Play - Eyes

PLAY

I went to therapy wearing my nazgul costume. Naturally T wanted to know why.

I said I was in a playful, mischievous mood. It’s about teasing authority without quite challenging its power. Or so I thought. But we worked on it a bit longer and then…

Me: It’s play as a substitute for sex.
T: Bravo! So what kind of sex would you want with me?
Me: Play sex.

Kissing, cuddling, chasing, lying on the grass, gazing into her eyes, putting my hand on her breast.
But I’m looking at T with my heart, not my eyes. It’s not T’s face and it’s not T’s body. In fact it’s my wife’s body, aged about 30. It’s a woman who will bear my child.

T: A woman who will give you everything.

In fact, I’m replaying an idealisation of what happened when I was courting my wife in my early twenties. We had time to play and explore and find out about sex together over several months.

That was only time in my life when I led with my heart and went at my heart’s pace. As we know, the first flush of love turns off the higher brain functions! The planning, critical, worrying, responsible part of the brain (the superego, I guess) is pleasantly anaesthetised.

I've had plenty of disappointments in my life, but one thing I wouldn't change is the love I've shared with my wife.

EYES

When I look at T with my eyes, I can’t see the woman I can see with my heart. In fact, I often see love withheld, though I know in my heart this is not the case. My inability to see the woman I know is distressing to me and fascinating to T. I see a poker face when she is feeling warmth and connection.

T: What kind of eyes do you have?
Me: Critical eyes. Eyes that look for fault. My mother’s eyes. It’s about time I had eyes of my own.
T: That would be nice.

Hmmm...LOTR fanboy?

Seriously...you are doing some great work here lately CE!!

you have some very interesting conversations with your T! I'm glad she's the kind of T who's willing to have those conversations AND still keeps her boundaries; that's a great combo. you're doing some good work.

One of the themes this week is how my heart works by fairly short steps. I have to visualise the completion of one part of the fantasy before the next part can appear.

By contrast, my head is very much faster, often leaping over the intermediate steps and leaving T open-mouthed in my dust.

I have an idea for this. If I take some pictures of T's poker face (assuming she allows it), then I can show it her and say, "That's what my eyes see. Can you see the love? Cos I can't."

Maybe a hobbit costume would have worked better if that was the impression you wanted to give (sorry, I'm just teasing.)

Thank you for telling us about these conversations - I find them really interesting.

I can't be a hobbit, I've got a beard!

Nazgul is a scary costume, and I think that's important. Interesting. But I left my sword at home.

My unsolicited interpretation. A nazgul is anything but playful. A nazgul is death. You came to T cloaked in the garb of death, and talked about the period of your life when you felt most alive. In many ways sex is our robust "f uck you" to death. Us saying, "Ha, ha, death. I'm so alive, I'm cumming." Tack on your T's reproductive reflections about feeling like your wife's fertile body was giving you everything (aka immortality through spawning), and it seems like the whole session was about death. It is the ultimate authority we'd like to tweak on the nose, but of course we can't really. We can only put on a show of bravery, of defiance like a child taunting a dog on a chain. Once that chain is cut we're all fu cked. Reproduction is only illusory immortality--the immortality of our DNA not of us.

Just some thoughts...

A fresh and unexpected perspective. Thanks!

Your sessions are so fascinating - thanks for sharing them! I bet your T really enjoys working with you. Sounds like you're a challenge, and I suspect she's secretly (or maybe not so secretly) thrilled at the progress you're making. I know I'm impressed!

I don't even know what a nazgul is. Interesting to wear a costume to therapy.

My T once said I was a pleasure to work with.

I certainly pose some fresh and original challenges!

Creatures from JRR Tolkien's Middle Earth. There are nine of them. They used to be human kings/lords but were corrupted and became pure evil, slaves to the dark lord, pretty much. Their bodies are invisible, but you can see their clothes and weapons, and they spread an intense feeling of terror when they are near.

So maybe not the costume I'd choose to create a sense of playfulness.

I made it as a Halloween costume.

Well, I think it's a fantastic idea for a costume :-) (I'm not really familiar with Halloween costuming traditions - are Halloween costumes usually funny rather than scary?)

Full disclosure: I do live role playing in a Tolkien's Middle Earth setting from time to time, so ME costumes is something I find very cool and interesting.

It even covers the beard, eh?

Did you do the whole appointment with your head covered up like that?

I hope there was no one suffering from a psychotic break in the waiting room cuz damn!

No, I pulled the hood back.

The next patient looked completely unphased.