A few months after my I started therapy w/ my T we were talking about our relationship and boundaries. She asked if I ever had thoughts such as wanting to go to dinner with her or something -- she was preemptively trying to legitimate these feelings should I have them. At the time, not knowing her very well and having been in therapy for long enough to really understand that appropriate boundaries are good for the relationship, I replied honestly that I didn't.

However, recently (about a year and a half later), I actually have been having thoughts like I wish that I could do things with her. I think that this is sparked by several things. First, loneliness - I recently finished my dissertation and having totally taken myself out of the social scene and having been in a frenetic pace to finish ever since I moved to a new town, I haven't really created a social network. As of a couple of weeks ago, I'm off the hook and really want to do social things but don't have a lot of friends here. I also am single. Second, over the past 21 months, I've gotten to know my T a little by virtue of comments she's made in session and she just seems like a really cool person. We enjoy lots of the same activities, have many similar views, and just get along. I really respect the person who she is. If I'd met her outside of the therapy context, I think that we'd be friends. But I know that therapists can't be friends--messes up the therapeutic relationship--and besides she's so busy with work that even if we were friends, I'd see her much less I'm sure than the twice/week that we currently have (plus emails and texts).

I got up the courage yesterday to share with her that I'd had some of these thoughts and her response was a little unexpected, not bad unexpected, but just unexpected. She said that there have been times when she and her husband have gone out of town for the weekend and needed a dogsitter and I crossed her mind (she knows that I love dogs, but can't have one right now given the fact that I travel a few times a year for a several weeks at a time). But, then she knew for the good of our therapeutic relationship this wasn't a good idea. I was both happy that she would trust me with her "baby" and she also had thoughts about us interacting outside of her office and bummed about the whole constraints/boundaries of a therapeutic relationship.

Just wanted to share... Sometimes the boundaries thing in therapy relationships is just so frustrating, particularly when you grow close to your therapist and discover that you really like him/her.

[WePow]

The T relationship is special. It is good that you both know how to respect the relationship. It is good that she thought of you and was honest about this. Allow yourself to feel what is there and enjoy the relationship.

[unaluna]

sorry, but no. this post should have a trigger on it. you made excuses for her seductive behavior at the beginning, and now she is telling you that her dogs are more important than your therapy. you were betrayed before by a T with bad boundaries, this T should be especially scrupulous, but she's not. she is putting her wants ahead of your needs. you didn't meet her at an exercise class, as equals. you know, if you can just hold on, accept these feelings, but not indulge them, they do go where they are supposed to. just keep them in the therapy room, realize they ARE about therapy.

Originally Posted by hankster

sorry, but no. this post should have a trigger on it. you made excuses for her seductive behavior at the beginning, and now she is telling you that her dogs are more important than your therapy. you were betrayed before by a T with bad boundaries, this T should be especially scrupulous, but she's not. she is putting her wants ahead of your needs. you didn't meet her at an exercise class, as equals. you know, if you can just hold on, accept these feelings, but not indulge them, they do go where they are supposed to. just keep them in the therapy room, realize they ARE about therapy.

Hankster, thanks for your thoughts, but I fear that I've not expressed a few things clearly enough. When she asked about whether I ever had thought about wanting to go out to dinner, she meant in a friends way - we were talking about the boundaries of the T relationship in general and it was at the beginning of our relationship. I think, too, since we didn't know each other she was trying to get a sense of what I knew and understood about good, strong boundaries. She said that she had clients who sometimes wished that they could go to dinner w/ her as friends and that these are legitimate feelings, but such a thing cannot happen within the confines of a therapy relationship. I tend to beat myself up over feelings, thinking that they are wrong or bad to have and not recognize that feelings will come and that I'm not bad for having them and it's how I choose to react to them that matters.

About the dog thing, after I brought up thinking that I wish we could go to dinner or something, but knowing that this wasn't OK, she was again trying to legitimize my feelings (mixed up a little with shame for thinking this) by saying that what I said wasn't completely out in left field. I appreciate her sharing with me that the thought about me taking care of her dog had crossed her mind, but she didn't hesitate that this could not happen. We have a very open and honest relationship and I appreciate her sharing her feelings - I don't feel at all as though they've been put on me, nor do I feel like acting on my wanting to have dinner w/ her or whatever.

I cannot express what a difference this relationship is and how much this T has stood up for me with respect to my previous T.

I will put a trigger on the thread - my apologies to all for not having done this initially.

p.s. I think that her sharing about her thought process was also in the vein of modeling healthy behaviors - i.e., having such a thought, but then neither acting on it in respect of the necessary boundaries in the therapy relationship, nor beating oneself up for just having a thought. She tends to model lots of healthy behaviors for me given my lack of role models for this growing up...

Originally Posted by WePow

The T relationship is special. It is good that you both know how to respect the relationship. It is good that she thought of you and was honest about this. Allow yourself to feel what is there and enjoy the relationship.

I really appreciate your words, WePow. Yes, when I struggled with this with a previous T (the one before the last one), I reminded myself that we had a very special relationship, more special than friends. In part, this was because we had our time each week and I know that I can't manage to get into my schedule a weekly heart-to-heart hour (or two) with even my closest friends.

[unaluna]

thanks - I really wasn't sure where you were going with it, and I thought it might be misunderstood and give hope to people who want r/s IRL w/T. Or who get stuck thinking these feelings are wrong or secret or unique or to be hoarded. I think they need to be examined just like any other feelings. But they do take a little longer to understand, to come to light. They start, and you're like, wtf? but for me, they have been the beginning of seeing my T, AS A T, for the first time. Like I finally opened my little girl heart.

[tuxyjenn]

boundaries in the therapeutic relationship has been an issue for me. often there is a very thin line between between the activity being ok and not ok. In one of my previous experiences in therapy I did go out to eat with the therapist as well as go to other places in the area. My current therapist - nope. Only I followed her to this health club that might work for me to join that she knows how to get to that is close to her office. I wasn't sure how to get to it. Following her was difficult and had a delayed emotional reaction to it. We also went in and got some info for me to look over. I am kinda leery of doing more stuff like that cause I don't want a repeat of that other therapeutic relationship to happen now with my current therapist. However I still wish that she was my mom and then I could be closer to her because of that.