why frustrated, what to do

Got my courage up this week and reminded T2 of how, at the end of our last hour, she had leaned forward and looked at me with brilliant eyes. I really must tell you, she said, how much I enjoy meeting with you. There was so much intensity coming from her that I could feel the push of it. She continued, You come every week… you work hard… you always know what you want to talk about… there is no… “how about [that ball game] yesterday”… you stay focused… “ there was more, but I lost some of it because I was bowled over by a feeling of unreality.
I said, imagine someone coming to your house, T, the place you have worked so hard on to make into a very personal space, a reflection of yourself. “Wow, I really love your house,” they say. And as you wonder how much they have taken in of what there is of YOU in that space, they give you their reasons: “It has a front door! AND a back door! And walls and floors in every room!”
I don’t know if she understood what I was trying to get across. Does this make sense to you?
Although it was immensely shaming and difficult, I told T where I thought she was headed that day, what I thought she might say next, but never said. And even when I put the words in front of her, she just let them lie there.
From a recent PC post >> it's never good for any client to be the favorite or even to believe he or she is the favorite regardless of how good or how healing it feels at the time.
Maybe that’s what I was after. Well, I don’t doubt that she meant what she said, and I don’t doubt that she meant it as a compliment, but if it is possible for a compliment to be totally non-personal, I guess that was it.

I get what you're saying! Wow.

It sounds like what may have happened is she, maybe without meaning to, was really just focused on her own needs? She was talking about how much you make her enjoy being a therapist, rather than telling you how she thought you were doing.. how much progress you've made.. or telling you specific things about your growth.

Bottom line is that she was focused on herself (which explains the intensity), and probably didn't even realize it. She probably thought she was complimenting you.

I think your reaction to it says alot about your depth.

I think it IS a positive statement, an encouragement to stay on the same path. My T said the same thing to me about an extra session I asked for week before last, when I got all the voicemails from my aunt. He said I made good use of the time, and then last week he commented about my taking care of him by bringing up a topic he liked. He was treading very carefully - I hate when he does that! I wish he would just come out with it! The hankster rather prefers the ton-of -bricks method! I think they're just trying to gently prod us into staying on topic, once we finally get there. I always THOUGHT I was staying on topic, but really I was flitting from flower to flower. I think i'm entering a new phase.

I do think she meant it as a positive thing but darn that's weird, tfor someone to be sincere, enthusiastic, and impersonal all at same time.

I am a Ray Bradbury fan, and sometimes I see T2 as one of his Martians - a shape-shifter, who takes on the form that the other person needs just by picking up his/her thoughts and feelings. Then that client goes out, T2 reverts to her own face for a minute, until next client comes in, and the shifting begins anew.

For Bradbury's Martians this was exhausting and painful, sometimes even fatal. My T seems to thrive on it. if I can keep this image, maybe I can prevent trying to get personal ("human") reactions from her, when there's really a Martian there.

Yes. she was saying things that would pertain to a lot of clients, when it would have been nicer if she would have picked out individual things about you. You're kind. Good-natured. Likable. Strong. Intelligent.

Makes perfect sense.

maybe her body language and her boiler plate words didn't match and that's what was disturbing?

Did you feel let down by her comments? perhaps feel as if she relaxed a boundary that you would much rather she hadn't? left you feeling a bit disappointed/insecure with her? that you like to feel/know she is the one that should remain in control of things and suddenly you feel she should have known about the pitfalls of putting someone in the "special client" role? just some ideas I was having as i read your post, please ignore if i am completely of the radar, hard to tell through this medium

Oh, this explains a lot for me! I definitely read too much sci-fi as a child, and DID want to live there! The bold part I think describes me...

They weren't boiler plate words. But not personal words, either. That's the thing, MCL, and is just what I told her the next time i saw her. One on one, people use certain kinds of emphasis, certain expressoin, to show enthusiam and interest; but when the intensity is plainly there, the verbal expression & body language are those used to show personal interest & enthusiasm, and the words are not personal, it comes across very strangely.
To me, that is.
oh well. I believe she meant well, and was trying to be positive and constructive. I can at least take her words as meaning that I am holding up my end of the therapy; and that's very important to me, I'm trying hard to do that.

This is really clear! You should write dialog for Homer Simpson.

However, a lot of people who go to therapy lack even the basic structure than you describe.
In a land of tents, "walls and floors in every room" is an undreamt-of luxury.

gee thanks. I get the message, i should post less.

Sorry.

No no no no no! That's not what I meant at all!

1. Keep posting
2. I was not criticising you
3. I do take your pain seriously

So just a couple of days ago when I read this, I totally got what you were saying. Though I thought if my T said something like that to me, I'd be blown away and just so happy and grateful..but I still totally got why you didn't feel that way, or I thought I got it.

Today my T told me that she really likes working with someone like me long-term because she gets to see the progress happening, right in front of her. At the time, it was a really positive thing to hear. It helped me to hear that she thought that way. As soon as I left, I felt just like you did. Now I really know what you mean, feeling upset about it being impersonal. After I left, that's exactly how I felt too. Anybody can work hard and make progress. Maybe the only reason T likes me is because I make progress? Nothing to do with me. In fact, the way she said it made it sound very much like the reason she likes me is because I make progress. It felt dismissive of the person who is behind that progress.

Afterwards, I kept thinking "and there's a wall and a door"! Anyway, just wanted to say I really get it!

How much more personal can you expect a coworker to get that says, "I really must tell you how much I enjoy meeting with you!"?

A great many people in therapy do not work hard, either because they cannot or will not. You may/may not be your T's favorite but you are definitely one she enjoys. Being enjoyed isn't enough for you?

My husband changed my life one evening when we were talking and I made a funny verbal mistake and we both laughed at it and I did the "I know. . . you aren't laughing at Me you're laughing with me" line only he interrupted me in the middle and very intensely said, "I'm neither laughing at you or with you, I'm enjoying you" and a lightbulb went on in my head. I'm an enjoyable person to be with. I can make people happy. Before I just thought I was a loser when I tripped over my words but now I deliberately tell people what I'm thinking and how I see the world because I'm unique and enjoyable to others.

I wish my mother could understand this concept. I do enjoy her. I l0ve language, and I find her italian/american constructions absolutely charming and brilliant and so creative - and not just her language, so many things about her. But she has such a deep resentment against me and my many "failings" as a daughter and a woman and a person, apparently, that a r/s is impossible, at least for now. She doesn't enjoy me as a person. I never really realized that. Either I was in denial about it, or I just didn't know it was a value, or I thought it was supposed to be a state you were constantly striving for but never achieved.

thanks Perna, this is the conclusion I came to yesterday all right, it wasn't enough. Now all we need to discuss is why not.

or at least I will think about it myself and never mention it again.

I don't see the connection between these two sentences.

You make progress because you are brave and honest, and that has everything to do with you.

Thanks. I hope so. I really didn't mean to end up feeling the way I did, and had no idea that I would. Hopefully it was just a crazy moment, and you're right. It does have something to do with me. Guess I'll find out for sure next week!