[Dreamy01]

My T fiasco continues. I am in a really despairing place

Some of you know that T and I recently had a rupture where she abruptly re-drew some boundaries. We have been slowly but surely moving on from it and I was starting to regain some sort of footing.

Today was deeply sad. I don't know exactly how it happened but I was in a place of overwhelm (life stuff) and wanted to sit with my feelings. T seemed to react badly to bringing in a kiddie blanket for the first time in a while. I find it comforting. She looked sort of disappointed...I realised I wasn't wrong about her reaction when she told me, later in the session, that she found it hard seeing me look so powerless when I had so much strength.

I didn't feel strong. I wanted her to sit with me. That was all.

I was totally shut down for 80% of the session or so. T normally tries to get me out but she just left me in that state of fear. I couldn't move, speak or cry. All I could feel was how disappointed T was in me. To make it worse, I had written something from my child self to her and felt a combination of terror and shame about giving it to her. At the end I did manage to. She didn't say a lot. I just feel stupid now.

I feel a complete failure really. I wanted so much for T to sit with those feelings...not to baby me...just to sit there. She kept saying that I felt she wasn't who I thougth she was but I wasn't thinking that. I hadn't been focussed on our rupture today. Other stuff was going on, most of which I wasn't able to tell her.

The sad thing was right at the end. I said 'You do care about me don't you?' T didn't give me an answer. She said we would discuss it next week including my reasons for asking. Then I told her that I always knew prior ts had cared but I was never sure she did. T said it was related to our dynamic. Then I left.

It was probably the saddest ending I have ever had

I'm wondering whether T is right. My past is in the past. I'm not experiencing flashbacks. I talked about my past a lot with first T. A lot of my issues relate to the present. I'm wondering if I'd be happier without therapy? I feel I need some support but nothing could be worse than feeling like this. I feel like I'm dying after sessions sometimes, the pain is so unbearable. I just want someone to care that's all...is it wrong to want that? To ask someone? I don't want to go back. If I started seeing another T those feelings would come up again I know and perhaps I'd just be healthier without all this.

Even worse, I wonder if I made a big mistake starting therapy again a year ago after the ending with former T. Perhaps I was okay then and I've just screwed up again...like I always do. I want and need too much and it ends up like this.

Things haven't been okay since the rupture although I was hopeful I wpuld start to stabilise again. Now I just want to go really. I can't deal with this or my life as it is.

I wish someone would accept me for who I am..all of me...whether I'm in the dark or not, hiding under a blanket or not, writing stupid notes to T or not. I wish I didn't feel such a hopeless failure always after something I can't have.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

wanted to sit with my feelings.

she found it hard seeing me look so powerless when I had so much strength.

I didn't feel strong. I wanted her to sit with me. That was all.

All I could feel was how disappointed T was in me.

I wanted so much for T to sit with those feelings...not to baby me...just to sit there.

'You do care about me don't you?' T didn't give me an answer. She said we would discuss it next week including my reasons for asking. Then I told her that I always knew prior ts had cared but I was never sure she did. T said it was related to our dynamic.

I feel I need some support but nothing could be worse than feeling like this. I feel like I'm dying after sessions sometimes, the pain is so unbearable. I just want someone to care that's all...is it wrong to want that? To ask someone?

I wish someone would accept me for who I am..all of me...whether I'm in the dark or not, hiding under a blanket or not, writing stupid notes to T or not. I wish I didn't feel such a hopeless failure always after something I can't have.

I think that I understand what you are after and I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting it. I think that this is an excellent place to start. Sit with the feelings, the problem solving comes later. I think that you can teach this therapist what you need. It seems that you feel that you are bad for what you want. There is nothing wrong with what you want.

[eskielover]

Therapy is all a process of them getting to know us & us getting to know them......as with any relationship.

Your emotions are what you are feeling....not right or wrong....they just are & are a signal that you have a need that needs to be dealt with. Figuring out how to deal with it appropriately is what therapy is all about. Doesn't mean that how you dealt with it isn't appropriate, but working through it with your T will also help her understand you & be better able to help you work through your issues in the future.

Sounds like your T thinks/feels that you are farther along in your therapy than you actually may be & then again, sometimes we regress, then we can grow from there because sometimes there is a need to go back & process issues/feelings/emotions from the past that come up again in our life. Therapy isn't exactly a ladder that we continually climb & once we take a step up, it's in the past......life isn't like that....just as it isn't when we are growing up......we continually have to work on things & feelings & understanding even as we are growing up.....therapy isn't any different. As a matter of fact, that's what DBT therapy is all about, learning skills & practicing, practicing, practicing & learning, relearning & relearning the skills until there is a real understanding & the ability to put the skills into practice automatically (the ultimate goal of DBT).

[WePow]

It is ok to feel strong or feel like hiding. Sometimes a T wants so much to help us heal that they get frustrated when we are hiding and they want us to look strong.
Be honest about how you feel right now and how you felt in session.

You can be the one to accept who you are in completeness. Show T what that looks like.

[KazzaX]

You make it sound like its all about you. It isn't. There are a billion possible reasons as to why the T responded like they did. They could have had a bad day. They could have been frustrated. They could have had a tough client before you. They could have had a violent client before you. Could be that its that time of the month and she is just in a shirty mood. Could be ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN! It isn't that hard to just sit with your client, and if she wouldn't do that, then obviously the problem is on her end.

So don't worry! If she is a half decent T she will apologise and explain herself next week. She needs to work on not letting her outside issues affect her in-session client interactions.

[Dreamy01]

Thanks for the thoughts and hugs everyone.

Sorry I haven't responded. Am not in right place. To top it all I've come down with a very bad virus and feel dreadful.