I told him

Yesterdays T session:

We talked a lot about withdrawing from the meds and how my emotions and feelings were becoming unblocked. That although the withdrawal had me feeling quite physically ill, I felt my mind was beginning to clear. I thought he'd go easy on me since I felt ill, he doesn't usually push anyways, but he asked me what images/memories were flashing this week. I really freaked, because there is this one shame filled memory that has been beating the crap out of me. It is really stupid that it would bother me, but I am so ashamed of it. I actually wrote about it HERE.

I started to try and tell it, and I felt like I would absolutely die. He kept pushing me on...you'll survive telling me, I am not going to hate you for it, keep going...etc.

With his help I managed to tell. This is the first time I told him a really shameful thing. I don't know how I feel about it now.

Good job!!

Great work! I'm impressed!

((((((((((((((((WP)))))))))))))) we are very proud of you!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I hope he doesn't expect me to start telling the horrible stuff every week now. For the past 2 years I have given him vague glimpses of things, and could never go into anything deep.

we bet hes glad you made a start

I think shameful things are the absolute hardest to talk about. You were very courageous to do it.

I don't think your T will want you to go that deep every week. You need breaks after a disclosure like that - time to process it through, even just get used to the idea that you told someone about it.

Thank you healed, pbutton and TD!

Critter...do you think he would let me explain it better next week? Should I ask? I have this urge to frame it up. It came out in chunks and pieces all over the floor. It wasn't coherent.

yikes. another big part of me wants to forget it all together and pretend I never told him.

given that it was a "teen" group, it most certainly was abuse. the moderator abused his power, and you probably weren't the only one. he was just this side of legal, but AA wouldn't have let him stay in as moderator if they had known?

I bet anything he will let you explain it however you want as often as you need. You really do have to go over it a few times before you can truly process it. Each time you do, it gets easier and you learn something different from it.

The first time I disclosed my CSA to T, it was a "just the facts, ma'am" kind of story. We've gone back to it time after time now and I fill in more detail and background each time. Even with that, I still haven't been able to tell him everything. It just takes time. And the shame is so hard to overcome.

Hang in there, Wiki. You're so brave to be tackling this. It's a lot of work to get through to the other side, but you will. I have every faith that it'll be worth all the work.

Great work, Wikid! If you haven't yet seen or read Brene Brown's stuff on shame, I'd highly recommend it. She's done a couple of TED talks, and has a couple of books out that I've found really helpful.

i am so sorry that you were taken advantage of like this when you needed a friend.WOW wikid to be able to trudge through all that shame and humiliation and be able to talk to your T about it is amazing.i can totally understand why you would be beating yourself up.my T would say to give that part of me a break .

Thank You, WikidPissah, for sharing your experience...when I go back to T in the fall he wants to talk about my CSA in depth, we've only talked about "just the facts" in 1 session and I was hoping that was it and he'd forgotten I hope I can find the courage you have to be able to talk about it :/

gawd granite, this made me bawl. That's all I was looking for, someone to talk to. I didn't want sex. It was the first time I took a chance to tell someone about my alcoholic home.

Thanks likelife...never heard of her. I don't usually do great with T books, but I will see if I can preview a bit on my nook.

Thanks northgirl. When it comes to that time for you hopefully I can be just as supportive.

I'd just start with the TED talks. You can find them on YouTube.

Wikid - you were so brave.