[childofyen]

I don't know what happened to me.

I found these forums last year. I was in therapy and newly sober. With the help of PC, I made it through early sobriety, T vacations, and intense moments. I made it to 14 months sober but then I got really drunk one night, tried to kill myself, then drove an hour to an ER. I spent a week on the psych ward. I hoped that I could get sober again, but I haven't been able to.

My relationship with T has been stressful. I have tried firing her but have come back right away. I don't want to get close to her. I have secrets that I can't tell her. I can't be honest with anyone in my life about how miserable I feel.

Now, I'm alone in a hotel room again.. drinking and pitying myself. I am sad. Having sui and si thoughts. (But am safe right now.) I wish I could convey to my T how dark my mind gets. I wish I could get help. I feel unhelpable. I feel alone. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way.

I'm just looking for some comfort to get me through the next couple of days. I don't have anywhere to turn.. I'm not good at talking about these feelings IRL. Does anyone else have that problem? Is there anything anyone can say to help?

[unaluna]

looks like we're having a reunion weekend. i'm glad you're back.

[childofyen]

thank you. sorry i'm so messy

[unaluna]

messy is the LAST thing to apologize about to me! i'm a freakin HOARDER!!! albeit a relatively neat one

COY, I'm sorry things are going so badly. Not sure I'm much help as I'm really struggling right now as well. We can sit and hold virtual hands though and try to struggle thru this.

What a reunion! I'm in exactly the same headspace right now. I've been doing so well on the sui and si stuff lately too!! Now it's all pounding at me again! I don't know what to do. I have a difficult relationship (and not much trust in) my therapists too. Let's try to support each other here and ride through the storm together. Maybe the feelings will pass. Right now I have a house full of people who, when they wake up will support me but right now everyone is sleeping and I'm the only one lying here wanting to kill myself.

[WikidPissah]

(((COY))) It is good to hear from you. So sorry that you are in a bad place. Is there anyway you can get yourself around people this weekend? Take walks, visit a lake or beach, treat yourself to something nice??? Of course, keep posting too...sometimes I spend hours on this forum white knuckling it.

Hi, I'm sober 9 yrs the hardest thing I ever done was walk into an AA room alone desperate and beaten. The pain of wanting to loved and never getting that pain filled made me realise it was time to do it differently. Put the drink down and begin the hard work of working through the many layers of rejection and abandonment. You can look in the phonebook and find the newest AA meeting or you can carry on the insanity.