[SoupDragon]

oops just a wobbly moment - all OK now.

[slbest]

So am I? How is that fixed?

[confuseduk]

((soup)) good to see you back. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now and for your loss, I wish I had words to help. I am here if ever you need a listening ear.

I am going through something slightly similar with my T, I feel toxic and that it might rub off, sometimes T holds my hand and I wonder if after I leave the hand gel comes out in a desperate attempt to get me off them.

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. You're in my thoughts

Originally Posted by confuseduk

((soup)) good to see you back. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now and for your loss, I wish I had words to help. I am here if ever you need a listening ear.

I am going through something slightly similar with my T, I feel toxic and that it might rub off, sometimes T holds my hand and I wonder if after I leave the hand gel comes out in a desperate attempt to get me off them.

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. You're in my thoughts

this is why i won't allow t to touch me. i keep thinking when i leave he cannot get the place clean fast enough for the next client. i like being the last client for just this reason. i sit in one little corner on the floor figuring it makes it easier for him to disinfect everything when i leave. i just hate it.

[WikidPissah]

((((soup)))) I didn't read the original post, but it's ok to be wobbly. Thinking of you.

[SoupDragon]

I didn't realise that text doesn't get erased immediately when there is a change of mind about posting.

But guess unless I repost, it all seems rather cryptic.

My dad died on Wednesday - there is a huge amount of stuff going on in my head connected to that - I was with him, yet it all still seems a dream. Plus T and I had started to look at my relationship with him, so his death was not great timing.

T offered me an extra session and I went. I thought it was an opportunity to at last show emotions wtih him, I had been crying all over the place - but when I was with him nothing came. I was disappointed in myself, but also now wonder if I can't cry with him now, then I will never be able to show emotions with him and what's the point in continuing.

When I left and was putting my shoes on, I head his meditation bell and it felt like he wanted to cleanse himself of me - a "thank goodness that is over", moment for him.

He has offered another session between now and the funeral, but I don't want to go if it means that I burden him with my stuff. I don't want to create "casualties" of people trying to help me.

I feel I can't go to see T with the stuff in my head, but I know he is waiting to har back from me and I also don't want to worry him. I also know if I tell him what's bothering me, I will just feel pathetic anyway, I know on some level I am being ridiculous. I just don't know what to do.

I have been taking diazepam to help me just sleep and switch off for a while, maybe a solution will just come to me.

I have felt very distant from here lately, that I don't belong, yet something is telling me not to push everyone away right now.

Thanks for your posts - they mean a lot to me.

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

this is why i won't allow t to touch me. i keep thinking when i leave he cannot get the place clean fast enough for the next client. i like being the last client for just this reason. i sit in one little corner on the floor figuring it makes it easier for him to disinfect everything when i leave. i just hate it.

((jbmomg)) I could have written this, even the floor part. Have you ever talked about it?

[confuseduk]

((soup)) I am so sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling, it is still very raw for you and will be for a while. Don't push us away, post as long as it helps, we are here for you and we care. Your T does too, he wouldn't arrange extra sessions if he thought you were a burden, I really do understand why you feel that way, but it sounds like you need him more than ever. Let him (and us) share this with you to make it more bearable

[SoupDragon]

My father spent his whole life being terrified of dying - and I too spent my life being afraid of his death, I even dug a grave for him when I was 5 years old. Then at the end, it was just over in a split second - nothing - a shell - like what was all that fear and terror all about, he's gone, the world is still turning - is that it? Is that all we were so afraid of?

I'm sorry you lost your father and I know this is a difficult time for you. Death is difficult for all of us, so please let your T help you now. Don't feel that you're required to cry in session. As you've said, the grief is coming out all over the place, so it's not like you need to express it in session. Just get through this one day at a time, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Don't judge yourself!! We all express grief differently, so don't feel there's a "right" way you should act.

Glad to see you back here, and I hope you'll post when you feel like it. By the way, you were missed!

[WikidPissah]

ugh Soup...the meditation bell, so painful. You know there could be a lot of reasons he did that then. Possibly he had only one slot in his day for it, and it just happened to be after you?

I am so sorry about your father's death. Allow yourself to grieve however and whenever. You don't have to cry in front of T for him to see your pain.

Please just post whatever you need to. We care.

[bluemountains]

I'm just reading your posts, Soup, and I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father. Life is so confusing and death is so hard to understand. Your online friends are here for you, Soup.
Bluemountains

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. My heart goes out to you.

[PiperLeigh]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for your loss. <3 <3 <3

[Wren_]

((((((((((((((((((Soup))))))))))))))))))))))))


be as wobbly as you need ... and here as much as you need ... you belong here and are loved and cared about here .... simple as that

go have that session with T ...

and know you are being thought of and held in my mind and heart right now; as well as i think that of many others here

My dad died on Wednesday - there is a huge amount of stuff going on in my head connected to that

[pbutton]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear about your father.

[critterlady]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief comes in its own way, on its own time. My mother died about a month ago and if there's one thing I've learned since then is that I just cannot predict when I'm going to cry and when I'm not. I often stay dry-eyed in situations where I would totally expect to be bawling. And then I start crying at a completely random time. That you didn't cry with your T is very natural and nothing to be concerned about.

I think I understand what you mean about the moment of death. I was there when my mother died and it was surreal. One moment she was there and the next she was gone. Just like that. No drama, just one last breath.

I'm also working through some old, difficult feelings about my relationship with my mother. It makes the grieving even more complicated. Be gentle with yourself and please do take your T up on that session.

[vanessaG]

Im so sorry to hear of the loss of your father, Soup. I can only imagine how painful it must be right now. Let your T and your online support be here for you when you need it most....

Originally Posted by confuseduk

((jbmomg)) I could have written this, even the floor part. Have you ever talked about it?

nope, never! just feel too disgusting on somedays. dirty. dont' want to clutter his mind with all the filth

Soup, I am so sorry your dad died. my dad was my pin point of light. he never once abused my sister or i.

i miss him very much.
please be gentle with yourself.
sending safe hugs

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

nope, never! just feel too disgusting on somedays. dirty. dont' want to clutter his mind with all the filth

me neither

[confuseduk]

How are you coping soup?

Soup,

I've missed you. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I don't know what your relationship with your father was but I can imagine that no matter if it was great, ho hum..or downright painful that it would set off so many thoughts and feelings. You don't need to have a certain time or place for grief and you don't have to use your T in the same way as you would use friends or family for support at this time..

Maybe your session with your T could be about talking about stuff you wouldn't with your family regarding your Dad.... sometimes its helpful to talk to someone who isn't grieving themselves... I don't know how that would look for you... examples could be sharing great memories...sharing bad memories... sharing wishes that won't be fulfilled...etc... remember your T is there for you and he can handle what ever you need from him and he doesn't have expectations of how you should feel or what emotions you should show... no shoulds remember....

I will be thinking of you (and praying for you if that doesn't offend you) especially in the upcoming days and weeks.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I thought it was an opportunity to at last show emotions wtih him, I had been crying all over the place - but when I was with him nothing came. I was disappointed in myself, but also now wonder if I can't cry with him now, then I will never be able to show emotions with him and what's the point in continuing.

This is where you are at and there is nothing wrong with where you are at right now.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

He has offered another session between now and the funeral, but I don't want to go if it means that I burden him with my stuff. I don't want to create "casualties" of people trying to help me.

This is his job. This is what he is supposed to be doing and he is very capable of hearing your stuff.

I don't understand the meditation bell.