[bluemountains]

This may trigger, because it is about the death of my father/abuser

My father died last night. I don't need sympathy tears, nor can I shed them because this man abused me as a child. He never gave my siblings nor me any support emotionally or financially, he just drained us in all ways, expecting us to care for him. To give you an example of how awful he was, when I was in college I had to finance my education through student loans. The checks were written to him and me for the loans. When a check would come, he would keep part of the money, even though it was money I would have to pay back one day, and also that much was lacking from my bills which had to be made up with extra jobs on my part.

Just last weekend we were getting nasty phone calls from my step-mother because we weren't spending time with him.

Meanwhile, it's a holiday weekend, which means my t won't be available to see me until after Monday. She has been in touch through email, which is a great comfort, but I'll even lose that contact after today.

Somehow I will need to survive the planning of the funeral, the visitations, etc. I have already had a phone call from the funeral home, asking me about plans. Also, I need to survive the guilt I am feeling because I can only feel all of this is a chore instead of grieving in any way for the man whose dna makes up part of me. The tears I am shedding are out of fear of the facade I have to keep up for the next several days.

Btw, I am already on pretty shaky ground because I have been very depressed lately (bipolar dx) and can't get my meds straight. I felt yesterday that the depression might be starting to go away, but all of this might just keep it around for a while longer. I am going to call the pdoc's office now to see if there is anything I can take temporarily to get me through this.

Thanks for reading my post.

Bluemountains

[learning1]

It is definitely understandable that you don't want to have to keep up a facade. I hope you keep posting to help while your t is away BlueMountains.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It would be difficult to deal with all the funeral plans and the event itself, along with people's expectations for how you 'should' be feeling/grieving, etc, considering the history/experiences you have had with this man. He sounds like an a$ $ to me!
It's understandable you would experience some guilt, but I don't think you are so much obligated to feel grief really, or to feel guilty because you don't genuinely grieve his passing ..... it's OK to feel relieved he's gone, or to feel like it's a chore or a burden to deal with all the funeral stuff. It's how you feel, it's OK. But you don't need the burden of guilt on top of it .....
I'm glad you're doing things to take care of/prepare yourself for it, seeing about meds ....
You will survive!

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. Would it at all be possible to not engage in the funeral activities?

[lostmyway21]

I understand what your going through. Sunday is my stepdads sui anniversary, but T is going to be away Monday for the holiday as well, so I miss my appt. I would say keep posting here and utilize the email support he has offered. I plan on doing the same. The one thing my T told me is DON'T try avoid or hide from any of my guilt, it will just intensify those feelings. I would say don't put up a fasade allow yourself to feel what you need to.

Also I relate to your med issues. I'm recently dx bipolar and have been changing meds every week for the last 3 months. Hang in there. I'm finally stabilizing on the meds, you will too.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. Would it at all be possible to not engage in the funeral activities?

I feel that I need to support my siblings. We are one big, messed up lot. I think that sticking together through this will probably help us all. My oldest sister just got out of the psych hospital, so I want to keep an eye on her. She feels the most responsibility for representing us, but I am the one who gets the calls, I guess because I'm the "stable" one.
Bluemountains

[stopdog]

I understand. Are there little ways you can take care of yourself? Making sure you take breaks from the family, setting limits/boundaries with them, giving yourself little treats such as a long bath or walks with the pets or time alone or coffee (I am just throwing ideas out - the point is something you identify as comforting for just you and let yourself have that comfort).

When my dad was ill and I was staying at my parents, and then when he died, I asked my therapist to leave a voice message on my phone. I could call my voicemail and keep replaying the message to get his support, hear his voice, reach out and touch the normal world, so I didn't feel so sucked into the craziness. Can you get your T to leave a voicemail before leaving town for the weekend?

[SoupDragon]

Bluemountains - I can so relate to what you are going through right now - my own father's funeral is on Monday. The way I am dealing with it, is to get into business mode, I have a job to do, a role to perform and then after that is done, I will turn to take care of me (with T's help).

I have also used medication to get some extra sleep, to just turn off for a while.

My thoughts are with you, I know for me this has been such a roller coaster of emotions, but my T has reminded me that all emotions and feelings do pass, they do not stay with us forever.

Take care of you - Soup

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

When my dad was ill and I was staying at my parents, and then when he died, I asked my therapist to leave a voice message on my phone. I could call my voicemail and keep replaying the message to get his support, hear his voice, reach out and touch the normal world, so I didn't feel so sucked into the craziness. Can you get your T to leave a voicemail before leaving town for the weekend?

I think my t may already be gone, but she did send me a lengthy email message with several ways to cope, and I have already read it several times. You are right, mkac, it does make a difference having t contact.
Bluemountains

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Bluemountains - I can so relate to what you are going through right now - my own father's funeral is on Monday. The way I am dealing with it, is to get into business mode, I have a job to do, a role to perform and then after that is done, I will turn to take care of me (with T's help).

I have also used medication to get some extra sleep, to just turn off for a while.

My thoughts are with you, I know for me this has been such a roller coaster of emotions, but my T has reminded me that all emotions and feelings do pass, they do not stay with us forever.

Take care of you - Soup

I am so sorry, Soup!
I plan on taking your advice and approaching this as a job that must be done. I have a call in to the pdoc, hoping for extra meds, but I haven't heard back from her so she may already be on holiday, too. If necessary, I will add more klonopin, a move the pdoc had comtemplated earlier in the week at my last visit, and this should help me sleep.
Thanks,
Bluemountains

[WikidPissah]

sorry you have endure this Blue. Thinking of you.

[unaluna]

IME, you will find comfort from unexpected people and places. those closest to you might be weird, but a cousin or cousin-in-law might turn out to be the perfect understanding shoulder. when my dad passed, I went into some kind of super aware state of mind, it was not unpleasant - I was like an ideal version of myself. I was sorry to see this "me" go when things got back to normal.

Something that has helped me in the past with going to family functions... is to think up some planned responses... when people say things like... Your dad was such a great man... Or you must really miss your father... I would pick one thing that was not upsetting to me or neutral to me like in response to the "great man" thing... I would say...it was wonderful that he serviced his country in WWII... etc.....

Just planned things so I didn't feel like I was lying and also so I didn't blurt out what I was really thinking.

Oh wow that's a LOT to handle on any day. Sounds like you have a pretty good T though. I'm glad they were able to send you a supportive email. Maybe posting here can help get you through the weekend too. I'll be around to read your posts. No major plans except to keep battling depression and practicing mindfulness. I don't always have good advice but I'm here and I give hugs. :-) hang in there!

[bluemountains]

I made it through day 1, the day of making plans. My stepmother was tolerable. She managed to only bring up once the fact that we never visited my father. My aunt, on the other hand, made a big production about how depressed he was on Monday that none of his children had visited him over the weekend. This expectation from a "parent" who didn't know or care that my brother has been in the hospital three times in the past year. And a "parent" who was mad that my sister was in the psych. hospital and couldn't take care of him while my stepmother had surgery.
My pdoc increased the dosage of one of my anti-depressants today, but would not prescribe any other drugs. I understand why. I am not very dependable with taking my prescribed drugs correctly. She only gives single prescriptions and I have appts. every two weeks.
So, I have two more days to go. Tomorrow, the visitation and then Sunday, the funeral. I am following the advice of my t and all of you, and it is helping.
Thanks,
Bluemountains

[Chopin99]

I don't have much to say, but wanted to show my support. I know it is hard.

Hang in there, Bluemountains. I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

[delicatefade26]

Hang in there bluemountains I'm thinking of ya this weekend