[kaliope]

most are from a bob ross paint class. many of the last ones, like the last 10 are from my own head in my mania using the bob ross techniques i learned. my favorites are saturn with the lighthouse and the island with the wishing well.

I don't want to talk about child support. I will?
I want to read chapter three of Anne Heche's Call Me Crazy with my therapist I will.
I want to learn Chinese Finger Math. I might. No, I will.
I want to hug my son three times today. I will. (He might only let me do two out of three.)
I am going to continue to appreciate the big hug he initiated yesterday. I will.
I am going to make him watch a chick flick with me. I wish...wishes do come true.

I went on the broken chair. I didn't want to.

On the broken chair again. Don't really wanna be.

My mistaken belief : I'm angry at someone. therefore i must be mean.

Truth: W e are not always mean, just because we're angry.

This weekend's spiel:

I don't really have free choice unless...

"IF we want to truly be free - just be free, not of anything, just free, just feel we're free - we have to recognize that whenever we're making a choice, most especially when we're making a choice between two things - that we recognizes we could choose either one equally. Because if we choose this one because we feel this is the only way we can go, or this one because we feel that's what we've got to do, then its not a free choice. I can do this or I can't do it, and I'm okay either way.

This is when we have free choice."

[Nightlight]

I'm not sure if I can say goodbye to my therapist. I'd like to try. I don't know if I'm ready. She told me I would not be able to contact her until the day of my next appointment, but I'm not sure I'll make it there. There's no way to have an okay goodbye from where we are now, and I never pictured it playing out like this. Maybe it will be easier if I lie to myself and say that it's an extended break. It's really different to suddenly dread returning and be afraid of seeing her again, when it's always been the one thing that keeps me going, and keeps me moving forwards.

She's been the one really supportive person I've had in my life, though I guess it goes beyond just supportive. She's been the only person I've been that close to, and I'm scared about what this loss means to me. It's a big loss.

She was a person I was so glad to have met and known. I liked her a lot instantly. I'm grateful for the four years. I'm trying not to forget that. I can't imagine life without her somewhere out there for me, but I guess I'll survive.

Yes, when therapy is over I want to be friends with my therapist. Sounds okay to me. I no nothing about boundaries - just human kindness. You're human. I'm human. You're kind. I'm kind (most of the time). That's a good basis to start a friendship. Here's to the future!

Ah heaven... I can come out of the cold.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I'm not sure if I can say goodbye to my therapist. I'd like to try. I don't know if I'm ready. She told me I would not be able to contact her until the day of my next appointment, but I'm not sure I'll make it there. There's no way to have an okay goodbye from where we are now, and I never pictured it playing out like this. Maybe it will be easier if I lie to myself and say that it's an extended break. It's really different to suddenly dread returning and be afraid of seeing her again, when it's always been the one thing that keeps me going, and keeps me moving forwards.

She's been the one really supportive person I've had in my life, though I guess it goes beyond just supportive. She's been the only person I've been that close to, and I'm scared about what this loss means to me. It's a big loss.

She was a person I was so glad to have met and known. I liked her a lot instantly. I'm grateful for the four years. I'm trying not to forget that. I can't imagine life without her somewhere out there for me, but I guess I'll survive.

Nightlight

One more day left of my Thanksgiving break and then it's back to work and school for us around here. We've had a really nice week together. The house is decorated for Christmas, our Thanksgiving meal was super, including the turkey pot pie I made with the leftovers last night. Tonight our sons picked out some great movies for us to watch together: Meet the Robinsons and Finding Nemo. We really enjoyed our time together.

Back to work tomorrow. Research papers will be coming in, so I have some heavy grading in front of me. Yuck! (The hazards of being an English teacher.) Upcoming are Christmas parades, band concerts, and choir concerts, faculty parties, etc. It is a busy time, but it is my favorite season. One of the perks this time of years is that teachers donate $20 to fund buying Christmas gifts for our students who wouldn't otherwise receive anything for Christmas; our "reward" (besides knowing we are doing something really nice for some great kids) is getting to wear jeans from now until we get out for Christmas break. Love those jeans days!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

One more day left of my Thanksgiving break and then it's back to work and school for us around here. We've had a really nice week together. The house is decorated for Christmas, our Thanksgiving meal was super, including the turkey pot pie I made with the leftovers last night. Tonight our sons picked out some great movies for us to watch together: Meet the Robinsons and Finding Nemo. We really enjoyed our time together.

Back to work tomorrow. Research papers will be coming in, so I have some heavy grading in front of me. Yuck! (The hazards of being an English teacher.) Upcoming are Christmas parades, band concerts, and choir concerts, faculty parties, etc. It is a busy time, but it is my favorite season. One of the perks this time of years is that teachers donate $20 to fund buying Christmas gifts for our students who wouldn't otherwise receive anything for Christmas; our "reward" (besides knowing we are doing something really nice for some great kids) is getting to wear jeans from now until we get out for Christmas break. Love those jeans days!

I think jeans days to teachers is like getting a pot of gold for leprechauns, . Sorry, I couldn't think of a better comparison, lol. I love that the kids who probably won't get much will get something. We do that where I work, too!

[autotelica]

Don't think I've posted in here or the couch thread before. Thought I'd give it a try.

I visited my twin sister for Thanksgiving and had a great time. We laughed a lot and didn't do anything but be lazy and gluttonous. I was more open with her than I've ever been. Unfortunately, I kinda had to be. My tics were awful and impossible for either of us to ignore. But thankfully, she did not say or do anything to make me feel guilty or ashamed. She even asked questions about my experiences and expressed awe that I have so much complexity going on in my brain and yet I'm still able to function.

It was good to be able to share my inner world with someone besides my therapist for a change. For years I have kept stuff to myself, thinking that if I talked about it, I would give it more importance than it deserves. But it is kind of important. My family needs to know what to expect come Christmas.

Now I have to figure out a way to tell my pdoc that my tics have gotten worse over the past two weeks, even though my repetitive thoughts are a tad better. Will he believe me? Or will he think I'm just exaggerating so I can stop taking the medication he prescribed me? I wish I felt more comfortable, but my experiences with him so far have got me feeling like it doesn't pay to be honest. This sucks mightily.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I think jeans days to teachers is like getting a pot of gold for leprechauns, . Sorry, I couldn't think of a better comparison, lol. I love that the kids who probably won't get much will get something. We do that where I work, too!

I work in a high school feeder pattern that has about 70% economically disadvantaged students. Many are immigrants from all over the world; in fact, our feeder pattern hosts one of the largest Chin immmigrant populations (Burma) in the United States as well as many from Central and South America, Africa, and Southeast Asia. We're blessed with cultural diversity (seriously). Our list of students in need generally numbers around 500 students. It is a huge need to fill, but our community always comes through. Our classes adopt students from our Angel tree. They do all the money collecting and shopping and wrapping of gifts on their own. We have such a generous, selfless group of kids we work with. I think being around such diversity day in and day out has help mold them into more open minded, tolerant, giving human beings.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I work in a high school feeder pattern that has about 70% economically disadvantaged students. Many are immigrants from all over the world; in fact, our feeder pattern hosts one of the largest Chin immmigrant populations (Burma) in the United States as well as many from Central and South America, Africa, and Southeast Asia. We're blessed with cultural diversity (seriously). Our list of students in need generally numbers around 500 students. It is a huge need to fill, but our community always comes through. Our classes adopt students from our Angel tree. They do all the money collecting and shopping and wrapping of gifts on their own. We have such a generous, selfless group of kids we work with. I think being around such diversity day in and day out has help mold them into more open minded, tolerant, giving human beings.

What a great story! Thanks for sharing

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I work in a high school feeder pattern that has about 70% economically disadvantaged students. Many are immigrants from all over the world; in fact, our feeder pattern hosts one of the largest Chin immmigrant populations (Burma) in the United States as well as many from Central and South America, Africa, and Southeast Asia. We're blessed with cultural diversity (seriously). Our list of students in need generally numbers around 500 students. It is a huge need to fill, but our community always comes through. Our classes adopt students from our Angel tree. They do all the money collecting and shopping and wrapping of gifts on their own. We have such a generous, selfless group of kids we work with. I think being around such diversity day in and day out has help mold them into more open minded, tolerant, giving human beings.

I think that having teachers like you has also helped mold them in hundreds of positive ways. Thank you for the work that you do.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think that having teachers like you has also helped mold them in hundreds of positive ways. Thank you for the work that you do.

Thanks. I do work with some absolutely fantastic, dedicated teachers, but we truly love these kids. Teenagers today aren't given nearly enough credit for being the great people they are. Yes, they are a different breed than kids were even 20 years ago, but they are truly growing up with things that were not even conceived of then. We're doing our best just to try to keep up with them; it's a challenge.

One last barrier to break down - I am stupid. Despite all that I've accomplished in life; I feel stupid. When I was growing up I was forever told I have no common sense. Book smart is not enough therefore my child, you are stupid. You have wasted the last __ years. Being a stay at home homeschooling mom was a waste of your life says mom. "A waste of your talent, your education, ie a waste of my dam ned money (you never worked mom). I can't be proud of that." Remember Dad felt all kids need to have someone there for them. You were there in body, and checked out emotionally.

I had to study engineering to please you. I hated every 1/2 second of it. What a waste of my life and SOUL says me. I wanted to be a teacher, an elementary school teacher since I was five years old.

Well mom I leave my house in the morning. I got off the sofa, and I'm teaching. In three weeks I taught a six year old how to count to 100, crack the code to reading, and writing. She can add, and subtract - a little boy copies off her math papers, and it makes her smile. Three weeks ago this student didn't know her numbers from 1-10. My second week with her, she became student of the week. She was so proud when she showed me her ribbon. That ribbon and the hug that we shared let me remember that I have worth.

I've told some of my siblings that I am teaching, but I am afraid to tell you. My fear of you has me crying every time in therapy. I've been racking my brain on what to talk about when we are together. I am planning lots of travel so you don't corner me with your questions and your displeasure about who I am. And for heaven's sake DO NOT question MY KID. He's a child. And I'm a teacher, and proud to be one.

[Sila]

GTGT, I know that I'm glad to hear the progress the little girl made with your help. I'm proud of you both- you for helping her, and her for doing so well. My mom was in the same boat as yours for a while, to an extent. She thought that I should go do some job to make a lot of money. I said even if I win the lottery and become a billionare, I'll still go to college and complete my program. I'll still go towards my career goal- because my goal is to help make the lives of special needs children a less scary and less overwhelming place through Occupational Therapy. I don't care how much or how little it pays- I care about the smiles that the parents give, I care about every little progress the kids make. Each little step they make. Knowing that I'm making a difference and i'm helping people is all the 'Pay' I need.

Keep it up, and don't let others make you feel bad about your decision. Teachers are special people, imo. It takes someone special to unlock the mysteries of math and reading to a child who just can't "get" it. No one could do that for me as a kid- all of the teachers I went through couldn't unlock the mysteries. I had to do it myself.

Be proud. ♥

[kaliope]

i believe i am doing much better....am i just on a up sweep in the merry go round or is it really happening?

Feeling incredibly lonely in a house full of people!

Crazy, busy week last week. I'm on the Apple training team (our students are getting iPads and the whole school is going to Apple) and had two days of OSX and iLife training this week. I learned mountains and have spend hours just playing with my new computer and getting used to all its bells and whistles. I'll have to train teachers starting this week, so I need to have a fairly decent idea what I am doing. It is definitely requiring a brain switch.

I spent a good portion of today grading papers. One class turned in research papers last week and I needed to get them graded and out of the way because my AP classes have research papers coming in Monday. Never ending cycle of grading for English teachers; just the nature of the job. Hopefully by this point next week I'll have all of my research paper grading done for this semester.

I'm tired tonight. Still a bit depressed, but it has stayed pretty level which I guess I'll be thankful for as at least it hasn't gotten worse. I think I'm mainly tired though.

[Nightlight]

I got my exam results back. Usually my therapist likes to know how I go with things like this, but the last time I told her about something study related she sort of forgot and told me so many other students had said the exact same thing. When I worried out loud that she was making me feel like a number, she told me it was just the reality. So now I worry about sharing exam stuff with her. My stuff won't stand out and will just blur in to everyone else's stuff, particularly when it's this time of year and everyone is getting exam results back. So many other people will say the exact same thing again.

I got two of my worst grades so far, though I'm not too disappointed. One was an elective course. Mostly I was disappointed that I got A- for those two and for both of them I was exactly 1% off getting an A. Bother. Sometimes they review your work and scale you up when you're that close, based on your overall performance, but I guess not this time. In one of the courses, annoyingly, they scale each mark down so your percentage at the end was calculated from the lowest possible percentage you scored out of each graded assignment. If your grade was between 80-85% then you got 80% towards the end of year mark, and so on (so I was really hopeful I would be marked up that 1% right at the end). I managed an A+ in the subject I major in, so that was good because I was struggling to cope at exam time and didn't do well with study at all.

I'm kind of sad this morning. At 8:07, the last section of our old school building fell by way of the wrecking ball. It was a good ol' building and it's sad to see it go. Lots of memories there. But we have this beautiful brand new building now, completely up-to-date and set up for the latest technology. Just hard to see the good girl go. Onward we go.

Just got home from a really cool ceremony for my son's high school band. They won the Texas State Marching Contest for the 4th time in a row this year, along with two Bands of America contests. Each student was awarded their 3 medals. The auditorium was packed with about 1500 people.

Proclamations were read that have been read in the Texas State Legislature and the US House of Representatives praising the hard work and accomplishments of these amazing band directors and their 300 students. A flag is being flown over the US capitol building in their honor. Even Rick Perry sent a framed letter of congratulations to them.

We had fun watching a video created by band parents with a rap about the band with pictures from throughout the season--very funny. And of course, we watched that amazing state finals performance one more time.

My son was just beaming as they hung those medals around his neck. What a great evening!

Urgh. Time is going so slowly. I miss my T. She's gone for a while, but I feel like she's been gone much longer than she has... due to our ongoing 'rupture', I feel like I've only caught glimpses of her this last few months. I haven't been able to hold on to a consistent connection. I'm sad about that. I'm sad about not knowing whether our therapy can realistically continue. I'm sad that I don't have my 'go-to' person, my safe place, my sanctuary. I'm sad that I don't know if I have the patience or ability to work this out with another T while she's gone.. but I'm trying.