The band won the contest on Saturday despite it having rained all day long. Poor kids; they were soaked through and through. My son texted me (and I quote), "I'M CCOOOOLLLLLLLDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!" at one point. Bless his heart. Anyway they won and swept all captions (music, general effect, and visual). Off to a good start.

I'm feeling slightly more human today and staying drugged on cold meds all weekend. I believe the worst is over.

[kaliope]

i woke up this morning thinking a lot. i am really wondering why i cant connect and believe myself to be the person other people see me to be. it really aggrevates me that i m capable of so much but i just dont see it. i do it,i am successful, i dont let my feelings hold me back. i just am unable to celebrate and feel satisfaction and joy in my success.that person doesnt feel like me.

My son and I went to another marching contest last night and froze our butts off. Had to come home and take a hot shower just to thaw out. The band swept all captions in prelims and finals; looking good.

I see T tomorrow afternoon again. Starting to feel a bit better than I was, so I suspect this will be our last session for a few months. That's okay. That's a good sign that I am moving forward again.

[WePow]

I feel rage today but know it is because I dont want to go into work monday with their changes. I am trying to just honor the emotions and stay present with them. Learned something root level trauma understanding from my mom yesterday. She appologized. I forgive her and know it was not intentional, so that helps. But I am still angry at the root issue. Very angry. But I think that is ok. To just le my anger be real. I am so happy my T is here for me right now.

[QuietCat]

Going to go into town and walk along the trail by the ocean, then have breakfast at some random cafe. Not my usual routine at all, but I have to do the homework T assigned me (smile and say "hi" first to 10 people). If I don't complete the homework I feel like a failure and we have to go over the reasons I didn't do it in tomorrow's session.

It goes against everything in my nature to say "hi" first to people. I feel like a fish swimming against the current, and it requires me to constantly struggle against the anxiety it produces, which T claims will become less the more I do it. Wish it would hurry up and be less already.

I've poured my heart out, over and over... And T? T is being deliberately vague and won't address anything that needs addressing. I hate that I have to feel so vulnerable and exposed, and she just gets to say something like 'Take time to smell the roses, grasshopper...'

What roses, T? What ****ing roses? My life is a pile of ****.

[kaliope]

i get you justsomegirl...my t is being worthless right now too...i feel totally dismissed by anything i tell him. it is like as long as i am surviving that should be good enough. i want some empathy. i want a cheerleader. i want more out of life. i dont want to just get by. i am willing to do the work, but its like he doesnt want to deal with the messy stuff that might come up if we probe deeper to deal with the anxiety that keeps me from coping with life. im working and paying my bills but i dont do anything else. i dont socialize, i cant shop or go out. i want to be able to do these things but they terrify me. but he doesnt want to go there, doesnt give me skills to manage these areas of my life. he twists it around it session and puts it back on me and then i leave realizing we didnt address it again. why wont he help me?

Another Saturday; another marching band contest. Our band swept all captions and won the contest. No finals contest though as the weather here is getting precarious. Too dangerous to have kids try to march in the wind and rain. Enjoyed the day with my youngest son watching all the bands. It started raining just as our band stepped onto the field, and stopped raining as they exited the field. Go figure.

Plan to relax the rest of the evening. We'll do church in the morning. Then my husband and I have a lake cruise in the afternoon, assuming the weather straightens out by then. Looking forward to that.

[SoupDragon]

Think I want to travel up to space in a balloon and jump out - that'll wash the cobwebs out of my head.

[SoupDragon]

Want to get this out, but don't know where to put it.

I can feel my mood sinking, part of me is fighting it, but I am feeling more and more locked into my brain. I keep thinking I am imagining it and can snap out of it, tomorrow I will wake and all will be fine, but I am not sure. I freaked myself by filling in an on-line screening tool which suggested I get emergency help, but I know that is not necessary, that when I really need to, I can crawl out of this place and pretend, function.

Eating is really hard right now, not totally a bad thing for me, as I do have issues with food, always happier when I am not eating - yet this time it is not intentional, I just can't face food. T has told me to let them know if it gets worse, but I know I cannot talk to T about my food issues, it has never been broached. So here I am partly feeling good for not eating, but also feeling scared as it seems outside of my control - I can't tell T, I am scared of the reason that T would want to know and then there is that session looming again - T will ask and what do I say? I have not been eating? But then T will be cross for not saying so before and what will T do with that information? I am eating? But that will be a lie.

I hate lying, but think T would over react if I was truthful - I do have periods when food is more difficult for me, but it never lasts. I even hate my profile name right now.

I so want to snap out of where I am right now - I just don't know how to do it and am absolutely terrified that T will take some sort of action, that I just don't want, or really think I need.

This stuff does always pass doesn't it?

SD...I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time...

I know for me I had an "episode" last winter where some past memories/issues were brought up to the surface. I didn't want to think about them... they sent me on a spiral downward...and I certainly did not want to talk to T about them... The more upset I got the more my urge to pur-- was there ...not a decision just happening...even without eating... I hadn't done that is 10 years and it was upsetting and scary...

Of course all of that made me feel like I really needed my T...but then I got angry at myself because I shouldn't have gotten so needy and attached when it doesn't seem like he ever addresses anything...and so then I wanted to quit.. I talked to a friend and she made me promise not to quit till after I made it through episode...

I don't know if I would have been able to stop the downward spiral or not without my T but I talked about it and how scary and out of control I felt and I talked for the first time about food issues and he always says its not the coping mechanism that we choose that is the issue its the feelings that cause us to turn to the coping mechanism that we need to focus on...

Do you know what you are feeling? Do you know what feelings started this spiral?

In my head today, work is beyond boring and I'm trying to figure out how to bring little Lola forward without drugs or hypnotizing. I wish it was Friday at 5.

Today is my Mom and Dad's 60th wedding anniversary. Isn't that amazing?! Dad will turn 82 in four days; Mom is 78. They are in remarkable health and still VERY active. We are so blessed to still have them both and for them to still be so healthy. They are two very special people. Wish I was with them celebrating tonight.

I've been struggling with depression some in the last few weeks which really sucks. I think it is the stresses at work, my husband's poor health, stressing over my son, etc. I'm just in worry mode and am having trouble letting things just go. I'd like to hope this will pass without having to go back on meds. I've been off them for several months. But I'm not sure that's going to happen (which also sucks because I had been doing so well off meds).

Tomorrow night is the big rivalry football game between the high school I teach at and the high school my sons go to. That will keep me distracted tomorrow with the kids being all hyped up and all. They're going to be wired. Tomorrow's lesson in my class: maintain sanity!

I'm a little worried. I've been feel excessively tired, for a long time, but everyone - the doctor included - kept saying it was because of the depression. Last year, with sll the physical symptoms i was getting - that i was supposed to put down to depression and anxiety - I had a bunch of blood tests done, numerous times, to test iron levels and thyroid function, etc, and they all came back fine. Because they were always 'fine' I had to chase up results.

Well, I've still been complaining of bring tired, and have been getting upset with my doctor and my T telling me I just need to 'pace myself', or that I'm not trying hard enough to do things to lift the depression and therefore the tiredness - my response being that I feel too tired to do what they want me to, and when I do things it makes me feel worse - but I've felt at times like I've been talking to a wall about it.

Anyway. I asked for more blood tests. And because I had my doctors appointment last week when I honestly thought my therapy was over and my meds seem to have ceased working so well for me, and I wasn't doing so well with it all, he wanted me back on the 29th to check in and to go over the results. So YESTERDAY I go for the tests. This morning I get a phonecall from the receptionist saying my doctor wants to see me to discuss my results (don't they normally take a few days?) AND he wants me to get one of the tests repeated. So I now have an appointment for the 24th. What's so important it couldn't wait 'til the 29th as planned? What are the reasons for needing to repeat a test?

All this time, I've struggled with physical symptoms of what I was told was mental illness, and I struggled with the idea, but have been working on trying to tackle it, which hasn't seemed to be working, so I get all hopeless and in despair and have said how I wish that it was something physical with tangible evidence that I could be treated for.... but what if it IS something physical now? The reality of that idea scares me. It's probably nothing, right?

Also, after my outburst and the rupture with T, she's now taking me more seriously about BPD. I've tried to talk to her before about traits of it I see in myself, but she never really engaged with me about it, just, while agreeing some things may apply, said that we can all find bits of things in ourselves if we're looking for them. Well last session she suggested I might want to try and get a psych consult. Probably because she's now seeing some of these things for herself instead of my telling her 'this is how I feel...'

So, even if there is something physically wrong with me, I don't think treating that is going to magically cure me of my mental woes, anyway - like I once wanted to believe it might (thyroid problems can present similar to anxiety, for instance, and may have explained the lethargy) - because apparently I have 'problems'... My T actually said 'problems'... Like, 'PROBLEMS'...

Ugh. And now I have to sit with it all until Wednesday. And I can't email T about it like I normally might with my worries because of everything that's gone on and she'll probably just think I'm attention seeking. I'm seeing her a couple hours after I see my doctor, anyway, so if there's anything wrong I can talk with her then I guess...

I'm probably being a baby about it, anyway, right? And if it were something really bad they'd have made me an emergency appointment and got me in right away... right?

And I thought I was so brave about having the blood test, too, no panic attack this time, and no freaking out about revealing my scarred arm... thought I might be braving up! Not feeling so brave now.

Another weekend; another band marching contest. They did well and advance to Area contest next weekend (not that we really doubted that would happen.) Next weekend will be busy: out-of-town football game Friday night; 6:00AM call time for marching contest Saturday morning; 8:00AM regional choir auditions for my youngest son; final's for marching competition that night. Should keep us out of trouble. It will be that last weekend of marching contest here. Everything after next weekend is in San Antonio at the Alamodome (BOA SuperRegional and Texas State Marching contest). I'm not going to know what to do with all the extra time on the weekends. I suspect it will be a bit of a withdrawal process for me.

My pdoc did ask me to start up a couple of my meds to ward off the depression. I haven't gotten up the gumption to do it yet; seems like such a let down for me right now. Need to start tomorrow or be prepared for a lecture from T on Tuesday. Ugh.

My dad turns 82 tomorrow. Just got off the phone with him. They had a nice 60th anniversary. All the grandkids and great-grandkid had flowers sponsored for their church service today in their name. They even had corsage/boutineer for them (much to my father's chagrin; too fussy for him. He's such an old coot.)

[SoupDragon]

Managed to employ avoidance tactics since last week, you know putting on a brave face, going out with friends, seeming to have fun, but sitting here now the reality of going to see T tomorrow has suddenly hit me. I am really anxious about going, anxious that I will shut down again and T will "refer" me (whatever that means). I thought of calling to say I am sick (I do have a cold), but I am sure T will just reschedule then will have more time to get anxious. I am desperately trying to find something to focus on in the session tomorrow - to start me talking, so that I don't start to disconnect from the session - I am so worried that if I do T will do something with me.

Of course as T says, I am free to stop going whenever I want - why don't I stop? Why am I going tomorrow?

I haven't felt this anxious in such a long time. OK time to try and put my head back in the sand and pretend it is not happening.

Hey Soup...how about just going back to basics...everyone in a while I go back to my T and say...what are we working on again...what is the goal... how are we doing getting there? This usually gets him to talk more or for me to voice my frustration...not always with him but frustration with the process too..

whenever I am like that...worrying about disconnecting... I go into the session holding an index card with a list of topics...or a topic written word for word what I wanted to say and sometimes I have to read it...once I handed it to him...

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Hey Soup...how about just going back to basics...everyone in a while I go back to my T and say...what are we working on again...what is the goal... how are we doing getting there? This usually gets him to talk more or for me to voice my frustration...not always with him but frustration with the process too..

whenever I am like that...worrying about disconnecting... I go into the session holding an index card with a list of topics...or a topic written word for word what I wanted to say and sometimes I have to read it...once I handed it to him...

ReadyToStop - wow, thank-you so much for that - yes I think that is what I shall do, ask T what it is we are doing / working on. That will put the focus on T and stop what I think will be an awkward silence that would feel unbearable. Soup

Our high school has been chosen to work directly with Apple to provide IPads to each student, MacBook Pros to each teacher, and sets of MacBook Pro Airs to each classroom. I applied to be on the panel of teachers that will get trained directly by Apple and who will in turn train other teachers. Found out today that I am indeed on that panel. I'm really excited about this. I'm the first to admit I'm not the strongest teacher with all the new technology, so I really wanted to be in on the ground floor of this training so I will feel more confident in the new technology and be more likely to use it to its fullest in my classroom. I'm really pleased about this.

I finally broke down and started on meds this morning. I'm not particularly thrilled about it, but you have to do what you have to do I guess. I see T tomorrow, so at least he won't be lecturing me about this.

[kaliope]

so i have t tomorrow...i dont know if i written about it but last session i talked with him about being unhappy with the way i feel like how he minimizes my concerns, how i feel like he doesnt help me, sends me off to think about things rather than helping me solve problems and giving me coping skills. He said he learned more about me that session then ever and he didnt realize I was so bad off. But i really wonder if he got the message. So this weekend I had a psychotic episode. It was standard, but scared me. I know he cant really tell me why it happened or how to avoid it from happening again, but i want him to be concerned. Its been quite a while since I had one. So i am wondering if i just tell him about it to see if he expresses an appropriate level of concern-like did he gain anything from our discussion last session or do i remind him of last session and warn him i want some empathy when i tell him. I just dont want to walk away from session feeling blown off.

I am going on my fifth job interview in three days.
I just need things to work out so bad...i am not in a good place and i miss my t and wish she would come home.
And i feel like running away

I'm feeling so tired, but can't sleep. In a few hours my doctor is going to discuss my blood test results with me, and after that I have a session with T - the second one since I 'quit'... I really just want things to work out for me, on both counts. I still can't shake the feeling that this is the end with T, that she just can't help me, that she just isn't going to 'get' it, that the hell of butting heads and getting nowhere will continue... I'm praying that I'm wrong. I love my T. We were doing so well... can't we go back to that? I don't know if I'm hanging on for the right reasons. I'm willing her to show me she can do this. Willing her to show me that she is not at some kind of stalemate with the 'borderline'...

Saw T yesterday again. Probably will see him every week or so until meds kick in and my mood stabilizes again. And it will. I just have to wait it out. BP is such a roller coaster ride. Think we caught this before it got too terribly bad which is such an improvement over what used to happen.

I'm trying to figure out how to buy and hide halloween decorations and candy for 300 teenagers. Saturday night when the band arrives home after contest, parents are going to be waiting with our trunks open and decorated so the kids can have "trunk or treat". Shhhh!!! It's a secret. With halloween on Wednesday, a school night and a rehearsal night, we like to surprise them early.

[Nightlight]

After more than three years of fighting not to cry in therapy, I cried my way through an entire appointment, for the first time.

We had early release today because of exams, so all students were to clear the building, and the librarians had closed the library to pass-throughs (you can enter on one side and walk through and out the other side); students were asked to walk through the hallways rather than the library. I was approaching the library when I witnessed a boy physically push one of the librarians out of the way to get in. She and I called for him to stop, and he completely ignored us both. By the time he got to the other exit, the other librarian stepped in front of him to stop him. We asked for his name. He refused to answer. We asked for his ID. He refused to produce it. He started back the way he came. I lightly placed my hand on his arm and he threw my hand off. He then pushed the other librarian into the door as he exited, and walked headlong into an administrator (divine justice). At least he finally stopped for the administrator. I suspect his butt is in a sling for multiple infractions, including assault on a teacher, insubordination (multiple counts), etc. Sometimes kids do the stupidest things. No idea where his head was.

Fortunately, that kind of thing is very uncommon. It's been about 3 years since the last time I felt a danger from a student. It is always really upsetting. I mean, probably once a year I have to step in to stop a fight, but they aren't mad at me; they're mad at the person they are fighting, and generally once you can get them to "see" you're a teacher they back right down and comply with directions. That doesn't bother me much, but instances like today with a kid who had no qualms about physically pushing a teacher, several actually, are pretty scary.