[~EnlightenMe~]

I am trying to figure out who I am. I am trying to viscerally believe what I believe. I don't yet know how. I want to stand for what I believe in, but I am never sure what I believe. Having an enmeshed mother meant always feeling someone there, and if I don't feel anyone, I feel empty. I feel so ashamed of this but it doesn't change the fact. People get so frustrated with me, and all that does is add shame. I think my new T understands this. I never thought there would be anybody out there who understood, but I think he gets it. I will be able to focus on me when I feel safe.

I am having a really bad day.... i just want it all to end...

It has been a hard day to be a parent and a teacher. People say things about teachers not really caring about their students, but they are so wrong.

I've gone through lockdown procedures, in drills and in reality, several times. Sitting in a corner of my classroom with the lights off and the door locked, out of view of any window, keeping them quiet and calm, is just part of what we do. Fortunately we've never had an intruder; that would be the worst nightmare I could imagine. But we have a plan in place in case the worst should ever be a reality. It is a sobering reality that played itself out so horrifically today.

I find myself grieving today, for those children, for their families, for the survivors whose lives will never be the same, for the teachers whose lives will never be the same.

Teachers really will do whatever we have to in order to protect our students from harm. We train for emergencies--fire, bomb threat, intruders, tornado, evacuation; we learn to use defibrilators in case a students' heart stops and unfortunately actually have to use them on occasion; we sit under tables or in packed, windowless, inside rooms during tornado warnings for hours with our students waiting for the all-clear from the weather bulletin; we step between students who threaten to fight each other even when our better judgement should tell us differently--it's just instinct.

So, hearing that teacher talk of packing her students into a small restroom and pulling a cabinet in front of the door before she closed it set me into tears. I would have done the same; so would every teacher I know. Hearing of one of the teachers reading to the students quietly while they waited for the police to rescue them set me to tears. We all would have done whatever it takes to keep those little guys calm and quiet and safe. Our students are very precious treasures to us, even the ones that drive us crazy from time to time.

I've chosen not to sleep tonight. I don't know why. I've got a ton of laundry to do today, before my trip, and lots of chores. i hate coming back to a messy house after a trip. Maybe I can just pack up the dirty stuff, and have Dad do it when we get there? He's the laundry king, since he's retired - much better than mom. Food for thought? I just wish my therapist would say that's an adult thing to do. LOL. Therapy today, and Wednesday, then blastoff. I've got to get this house cleaned...%#!$

The last couples of days have been really rough. I actually sat at my desk and cried (big fat silent tears). I have never cried in public before although I don't think anyone noticed and if they did they didn't say anything.

Woohoo!! Just sent my students off for Christmas vacation and I'm off until January 7!! So ready for a break and I'm even able to go home without any papers to grade. Life is good.

[agma]

Woke up feeling physically awful. I have come down with a bad cold. It's just what I needed on top of all the stress of the holidays and having to see family and quitting my job. Also, very nervous because I don't get to see T next week. I was supposed to have group today, but I didn't go because I really don't feel good and I don't want to get other group members sick right before Christmas. The combination of all the stress and the physical illness makes my depression worse. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until January. I really need some support and a hug if I am going to get through everything.

I am trying to motivate myself to do things that NEED to be done. I have some major items that I have procrastinated on for a while and so I thought I would list the accomplishments that I am proud of...and my goals...

We switched from propane to natural gas but the propane tank is buried. The propane company sent me a bill for $900 for the tank they said they owned and was "unavailable" for pick up. My husband ignored the bills for months and I only found out about it when I saw the letter from the collection agency. A few weeks ago, my H and I dug all around the propane tank and had the company pick it up. Now I need to do 2 things as follow up:

1. check that my account has been properly credited...
2. borrow or rent a truck to get fill from my bil to fill in the hole.

I hope to get the hole filled in and the account checked by January 15th.

Our youth minister's high school son passed away. He had contracted the flu and a subsequent staph infection. They pulled him off life support after 3 days. He was a beautiful young man and the pain of his loss is strongly felt in our community.

[nicoleb2]

Really sad today for a number of reasons. The most recent: I was told by another member here how awful it is that my 10 year old is on stimulant medication for adhd.

It always hurts when people are SO judgmental when they have never walked this walk. I am trying to do the best I can for my child, and wouldn't medicate unless I thought it was absolutely necessary.

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Really sad today for a number of reasons. The most recent: I was told by another member here how awful it is that my 10 year old is on stimulant medication for adhd.

It always hurts when people are SO judgmental when they have never walked this walk. I am trying to do the best I can for my child, and wouldn't medicate unless I thought it was absolutely necessary.

Stupid people who think they know what they are talking about. Try not to let the turkeys get you down.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Our youth minister's high school son passed away. He had contracted the flu and a subsequent staph infection. They pulled him off life support after 3 days. He was a beautiful young man and the pain of his loss is strongly felt in our community.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Too many too young being taken recently. I wish I knew words that would make it better.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm really sorry to hear this. Too many too young being taken recently. I wish I knew words that would make it better.

It was just so terribly sudden. They had gone up to see family in Wisconsin. They had pictures of them sledding and pictures less than 24 hours before he became ill and he was fine. He became ill Christmas night, they took him into the ER. He was care flighted to St. Paul on the 27th. They made the decision to take him off life support on the 29th. Just so fast.

He was such a great kid. 6ft 4in. Lettered in golf at my son's high school. Taught Sunday school. Just a truly wonderful young man. He was actually born 2 days before my son; they were in the same confirmation group at church.

Edited to add: He had been waiting to get an acceptance letter to the University of Minnesota. The acceptance letter arrived today. He's got a big grin on his face up there with God.

When I was pregnant with my first son, a good friend recommended a pediatrician to me. We have stayed with that same pediatrician for 24 years, through 3 sons. He is the most remarkable physician.

Probably the most outstanding quality is that he really talks to my boys. Not just now that they are older, but even when they were little bity, he really talked to them. They would have heart to heart talks and my boys would do things for him that they would never do for us.

Anyway, my middle son has multiple issues, including ADHD, speech delays, severe fine motor deficits, etc., so this doctor has worked with him since early on working not just with ADHD meds, but really talking to him about skills and goals and behaviors and emotions. Our appointments often last well over an hour as this doctor sits and just talks to my son and listens to whatever is going on.

Tonight we went in because my son has been having issues with depression and his T felt it is probably time to discuss medication for the depression. We were his last patient and he was with us for nearly two hours tonight. At the end, we also talked about the flu vaccine and the doctor actually had to give it to my son himself as all the nurses had gone home by that time (not usually in his job description). He literally walked us out the front door and locked up behind us.

We've been very blessed by this physician's care over the years, and it never ceases to amaze me how much time and attention he gives us each and every time we see him. I can remember when my oldest was a baby, he had so many nagging health issues: severe reflux, chronic ear infections, asthma. We had a measles outbreak in the area and my son was still just a bit young for the vaccine, but Dr. H called me up personally and asked me to bring my son in for an early vaccine. He said if he had one patient in his practice that would manage to come down with the measles, it would be my son and he wasn't going to take that risk. How many doctors would actually have that go through their head and personally pick up the phone to take some action about it? That's the kind of physician he has been to our family.

My son is so very relieved to be starting on the meds for depression. Compounded with the ADHD issues, he says it just feels like carrying an oversized, heavy backpack on his back all the time, and he's ready for a little relief. He knows meds are only part of the equation, but he's needing that extra help right now. Just feeling very grateful and blessed tonight that we have such a healing presence in our lives.

Feel so rested, I don't want to do any work. The suitcase of dirty clothes was washed by dad, and I had three weeks of just having to make my bed, except when I was in the hotel. I was spoiled and now want to hibernate. I promised dad I would budget better. I really hope to. He has agreed to continue helping me, and pay for therapy, even though he feels its a lot of money/month. I convinced him that it was necessary - just look at Kiddo. My parents, friends, and family took great care of us. Why the hell am I trying to wing it a lone as a single mom!.......I want to use my new heart and soul to live my life the way I want.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

When I was pregnant with my first son, a good friend recommended a pediatrician to me. We have stayed with that same pediatrician for 24 years, through 3 sons. He is the most remarkable physician.

Probably the most outstanding quality is that he really talks to my boys. Not just now that they are older, but even when they were little bity, he really talked to them. They would have heart to heart talks and my boys would do things for him that they would never do for us.

Anyway, my middle son has multiple issues, including ADHD, speech delays, severe fine motor deficits, etc., so this doctor has worked with him since early on working not just with ADHD meds, but really talking to him about skills and goals and behaviors and emotions. Our appointments often last well over an hour as this doctor sits and just talks to my son and listens to whatever is going on.

Tonight we went in because my son has been having issues with depression and his T felt it is probably time to discuss medication for the depression. We were his last patient and he was with us for nearly two hours tonight. At the end, we also talked about the flu vaccine and the doctor actually had to give it to my son himself as all the nurses had gone home by that time (not usually in his job description). He literally walked us out the front door and locked up behind us.

We've been very blessed by this physician's care over the years, and it never ceases to amaze me how much time and attention he gives us each and every time we see him. I can remember when my oldest was a baby, he had so many nagging health issues: severe reflux, chronic ear infections, asthma. We had a measles outbreak in the area and my son was still just a bit young for the vaccine, but Dr. H called me up personally and asked me to bring my son in for an early vaccine. He said if he had one patient in his practice that would manage to come down with the measles, it would be my son and he wasn't going to take that risk. How many doctors would actually have that go through their head and personally pick up the phone to take some action about it? That's the kind of physician he has been to our family.

My son is so very relieved to be starting on the meds for depression. Compounded with the ADHD issues, he says it just feels like carrying an oversized, heavy backpack on his back all the time, and he's ready for a little relief. He knows meds are only part of the equation, but he's needing that extra help right now. Just feeling very grateful and blessed tonight that we have such a healing presence in our lives.

This has been my experience with so many physicians myself. Good caring people - willing to go beyond their "job description". They love what they do and get pressure and grief from everywhere.

I also work very very closely with physicians in my line of work. The are my collaborators and colleagues.

They do care. They have a lot on their minds for sure (especially in a hospital setting) but they do care about their patients - a lot, worry over them to the point of distraction.

Yeah there are some crappy ones out there, but the good ones are very very good.

First group experience failed. I want to try this new group and I don't want to try this new group. I said I was group shy, but I'm not. I just don't want to rack up what I consider anymore failures. My therapist thinks the previous group was a success for me, along with my time home with mother - I beg to disagree. My eternal wish, the one I thought I gave up did not come true. My thinking is not always as positive as My therapist. I may try the weekly girlfriend group. Or Just hibernate and buy a TV , and watch the Jerry Springer show, and the Who's Your Baby Daddy Shows. Alright! I'll volunteer...I think.

[Nelliecat]

I'm feeling a bit emotional tonight. I've just driven my friends husband to hospital where she is just about to give birth. I am so pleased that I could help and would do anything for them but some baby issues I had which I kind of thought were better seem to be coming up for me. And of course I'm worried about her.

[WikidPissah]

just stopping by to see how the other "couch" was doing!'

[tigerlily84]

The good news: As the session was ending she said, "You're my favorite client, I mean most consistent client." (And that was consistent in terms of showing up for appointments.) I'm just gonna say that was a Freudian slip!

The bad news: my T told me that she will be "moving on" to a different position in June. I just started going to see her in October and I feel like I just started to open up and trust her. Great, now I'm going to obsess over this.

[thenewrainbowbrite]

(First time posting in this thread/forum) Today has been one of the best days I've had since I got home from my inpatient stay (which, if you're looking for a place in Oklahoma, I HIGHLY recommend Brookhaven in Tulsa).
I am still having a lot of suspicion and paranoia regarding my boyfriend (LWS) and what I thought or perceive to be him choosing porn over me. I won't lie, I've been checking the history on my computer repeatedly to see if he "slipped up". I know that he isn't addicted to porn, just enjoys it, and even though I feel bad for making him feel rotten about it, I just can't shake this false paranoia/anxiety/suspicion. LWS deserves SO much more than that. He's been through stuff with me over the past couple of months, that I know we can get through whatever comes our way.
Speaking of which, these past couple of months have been insane. A guy I secretly loved committed suicide, I've been in 5 or more "homes" before finally settling into this one. A couple days after moving in here, I was rushed to the emergency room (24th of Nov.) to find out I needed to have emergency surgery to remove an almost gangrenous infection from a very private part of my body. I stayed in the hospital for 11 days, and when I got out, I was basically bed/home bound and had a home-health nurse come see me on a daily basis. My surgeon finally grew a pair of cajones and told me that this was likely to occur again, and once again, it might not have any symptoms. It almost killed me this time, I don't know how I'd make it through another round. I'm STILL on antibiotics, actually, more like my seventh round of them. Right as that was almost healed, and the day after Christmas, I signed myself into a voluntary inpatient program for problems with my behavior and what I would consider and extreme case of mixed state/mania/depression. I've been home since last Friday.
Since last Friday, things have slowly started to improve in my home life, but I'm still struggling with unpacking and getting rid of things. Also, since the E.R. visit, I have yet to experience any form of sexual intimacy with the man I love. And surprisingly enough, the reason we aren't (which was at first for health reasons) is because he doesn't want to. I don't blame him after I spent 2 months of our 4 month relationship completely and utterly destroying him verbally and emotionally. For all intents and purposes, that man should have left me. But he is still here, and we both want things to work out....
Anyway...Sorry about all of that, I guess I just needed to release all of that and get it off my chest for a little while

the loneliness is so hard.

Going through a hell of a week right now, actually into week two of hell week. Pretty drained and overwhelmed with responsibility.

[sunrise]

Had a really bad day of work right now with my annual review. Struggling to find a way to take the feedback I was given in a positive light, as an opportunity to improve, blah blah blah. I feel misunderstood and unfairly treated. Need to be able to move beyond that.

Some really big struggles going on in my life right now. Leaning heavily on pdoc and T to get through. God give me strength.