Self-Sabotage

Snuffleupagus · Jun 20, 2012 at 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdgirl

For the record my sister is awesome and is in no way forcing me into anything. She is the only person who is unconditionally supportive of me and would do anything for me. She took a lot of crap, so that I wouldn't have to. It's only right that I support her in however she wants to be supported now that she is struggling.

When the the annals of codependency are published, let this be the inscription at the beginning of the book. Dude, that is not healthy relationship behavior. Like LMTL, the "it is only right." caught my interest as well. Your mental work here is interesting. You are sending the message that the behavior you're planning is self-sabotaging and self-destructive, but we find out that your narrative is that you are only doing this because you are so deeply virtuous and selfless and committed to doing what's right.... for your sister.

Part of the twisted fun of a codependent, in contrast to a truly pure addict, is that they find a way to call their illness virtue. I, personally, am an expert at it, and I applaud your skills. Honestly, though, I think it's far more likely, though less romantic, that you just want to get wasted to numb your feelings which is the opposite of T, and if you can find an excuse to run further from your feelings by abandoning T altogether, even better.

tkdgirl · Jun 20, 2012 at 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

i'm sorry, but if you guys were fat, would you feel the same way about going on an eating binge with her?

You totally lost me here. I don't understand the comparisson.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

The line "it's only right" really troubles me. No matter what, a healthy person has boundaries around what they are willing to do and what they are not willing to do. To be able to say to those we love, "I love you and I would do anything to help you, but I won't do THAT" is perfectly acceptable. And then there's the question of really whether joining in on a drug and alcohol binge is really supporting someone, as opposed to colluding in their self destruction.

I think that your distorted thinking about what love and support means is something you could fruitfully address in therapy. Maybe this binge is an opportunity to explore with your T about how you think about these things.

Yeah I have session tomorrow, that I'm still debating whether I should go to or not. I suppose this could be an interesting topic. Your viewpoint definately sparked something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

thanks lmtl. I really am sorry, tdkgirl. I didn't mean to insult your sister, I was just meant to ask why she wasn't more aware of how this would hurt you. also, I wonder if we are triggering people on the couch by talking about such things so freely, I am also guilty there. but I see from another thread title maybe someone has already brought that up?

Hankster no worries, I didn't feel insult. I actually appreciate the different views, your making me think. I think my sister is more broken than I am and honestly I act like the toughest most bulletproof person around everyone IRL. Thanks for the trigger notice, I will add one.

ListenMoreTalkLess · Jun 20, 2012 at 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdgirl

Yeah I have session tomorrow, that I'm still debating whether I should go to or not. I suppose this could be an interesting topic.

I don't see any reason, except being a chicken (I say this in the nicest possible way, I am not mocking you), for you not to go. Except the one that Snuffle articulated so beautifully in her post. If you can construct a choice where you can truly believe it's T versus your sister, well then of course you will choose your sister. Because you are so virtuous and all that.

Seriously, though, go to your appointment and deal with this like an adult. Talk to your T about what you are planning to do and why. I don't think the issue is so much whether you go on a bender (although, as others have pointed out, it has the potential for one or both of you to become really hurt), but to explore what's underneath it.

tkdgirl · Jun 20, 2012 at 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

When the the annals of codependency are published, let this be the inscription at the beginning of the book. Dude, that is not healthy relationship behavior. Like LMTL, the "it is only right." caught my interest as well. Your mental work here is interesting. You are sending the message that the behavior you're planning is self-sabotaging and self-destructive, but we find out that your narrative is that you are only doing this because you are so deeply virtuous and selfless and committed to doing what's right.... for your sister.

Part of the twisted fun of a codependent, in contrast to a truly pure addict, is that they find a way to call their illness virtue. I, personally, am an expert at it, and I applaud your skills. Honestly, though, I think it's far more likely, though less romantic, that you just want to get wasted to numb your feelings which is the opposite of T, and if you can find an excuse to run further from your feelings by abandoning T altogether, even better.

Wow, your post just made me laugh, in a good way, I can use a little humor right now. Seriously though I really appreciate your insight, I totally was not seeing it like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I don't see any reason, except being a chicken (I say this in the nicest possible way, I am not mocking you), for you not to go. Except the one that Snuffle articulated so beautifully in her post. If you can construct a choice where you can truly believe it's T versus your sister, well then of course you will choose your sister. Because you are so virtuous and all that.

Seriously, though, go to your appointment and deal with this like an adult. Talk to your T about what you are planning to do and why. I don't think the issue is so much whether you go on a bender (although, as others have pointed out, it has the potential for one or both of you to become really hurt), but to explore what's underneath it.

LMTL - I don't get offended very easy so no worries about the chicken comment. Thanks for the encouragement.

Snuffleupagus · Jun 20, 2012 at 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdgirl

Wow, your post just made me laugh, in a good way, I can use a little humor right now. Seriously though I really appreciate your insight, I totally was not seeing it like that.

Good, I'm glad you took it in the spirit it was intended. Sometimes I can't see myself until someone can get me to laugh at myself.

SoupDragon · Jun 20, 2012 at 01:37 PM

I think it is really really hard to look at / face ourselves and our minds will find all sorts of ways of helping us to avoid it, drugs, alcohol, SI, self sabotage.

But I believe learning to face ourself with T's help, actually frees us from all these things and the need to indulge in the avoidance.

If it were me, I would tell T about my self sabotage so that T could help me through it.

tkdgirl · Jun 20, 2012 at 06:48 PM

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, I have notified my T that I will be going to my session tomorrow. I think I might bring this thread with me.

SpiritRunner · Jun 20, 2012 at 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdgirl

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, I have notified my T that I will be going to my session tomorrow. I think I might bring this thread with me.

That sounds good to me .... an opposite action from self-sabotage.

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Self-Sabotage

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tkdgirl Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2012 Posts: 440 12	Jun 20, 2012 at 06:48 PM #27 Thanks everyone for the encouragement, I have notified my T that I will be going to my session tomorrow. I think I might bring this thread with me.
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