the l word

In my country it is considered extremely wrong for a client to express love to a therapist (and even moreso vice versa). Which is strange because it sort of make sense - if you had a therapist that had worked miracles with you in your treatment then OFCOURSE you are going to love them because they are useful to you. But unfortunately the moment you (as a client) utter those 3 words, you are out of there and referred to a new T ASAP!! Its like they call a code red as soon as you say those 3 words! Code red!! Boundary being crossed! Calling all units!

I've told my t in indirect ways, such as saying in an email, "I think I'm starting t love you" or "I'm afraid of loving you and then getting hurt." I've never actually said "I love you" in person, in the room with her. I've been seeing her 12 years, and she has never said "I love you" to me. However, she has said she cares deeply for me and that she will feel very sad down the road when we terminate and are no longer working together. She has also done lovely things at times to show she cares, such as one time when i was crying, she took a tissue and wiped away my tears.

its never been said and im not sure that i want it to be said. i fear it would just put more emphasis on the importance of the relationship in my life. id rather have more of the moments where i can "feel" the love/caring...whatever its called. she has told me she really likes me and that im one of her favorites. thats good enough for me. atleast i know she doesnt dread me coming.