[struggling2]

Maybe i wouldnt feel so overwhelmed if my mom would've been more available. Then I wouldnt be trying to cram 29yrs of mothering into 50min a week. But is T mothering me or do I just idealize her as that and I have to learn how to mother myself in ways that my mom didnt so i can emotionally function? Im so confused and overwhelmed

[bamapsych]

I feel the same way except 25 yrs instead of 29 yrs

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

I feel the same way except 25 yrs instead of 29 yrs

it is so not fun. although, i still find it hard to be angry with/at my mom. in my head im upset about it but i have a hard time projecting that onto her whether just in my mind or literally at her.

Originally Posted by struggling2

Maybe i wouldnt feel so overwhelmed if my mom would've been more available. Then I wouldnt be trying to cram 29yrs of mothering into 50min a week. But is T mothering me or do I just idealize her as that and I have to learn how to mother myself in ways that my mom didnt so i can emotionally function? Im so confused and overwhelmed

((((((struggling)))))) To give you a little hope (from a 36 yo). I was exactly where you are a year ago. By working through my anger in therapy and on my own, truly understanding that my mom did the best that she knew how (even if this majorly harmed me and provided me with no role model), and appreciating everything that my T gives me I was able to make it through to the other side. A couple of things that created a shift in my work are:

1) these words from her: "You may never get the mother that you want but you can find people who fill those shoes at times and in different ways. My advisor (who is now a friend) turned out to be that for me especially when I needed someone to believe in me. I have friends who have sometimes mothered me and one therapist who was special in that way."

2) Beginning to forgive my mom--this came as well because she took a little (and I do mean a little) responsibility for how she treated me.

3) Admitting aloud to my T, and saying it several times, that I wish that she could be my mom. Her treating this as understandable and my getting over the extreme embarrassment over it and really letting go in my sessions with my 'embarrassing' feelings/thoughts.

4) Ironically perhaps, her providing me more support and mothering.
I was able to internalize this. There were--and still are some--moments when I thought I was dependent on her mothering and wouldn't know how to do it on my own, but my reflex to call her outside of sessions has decreased dramatically since the fall when she really stepped up this mothering of me.

I make it sound easy, perhaps, but it was--IS--anything but. There were many moments when I thought I'd never get better and felt like I was letting her down. But little by little (sometimes very little by very little), I'm working my way to a calmer, more secure, more independent place. It's excellent that you're questioning and are confused by the whole process--you're not just accepting the mothering as a long-term given. Even when I make progress I fall down and sometimes feel like I'm going backwards (or even back to square one)--this isn't the case. Progress is never linear... Good luck and keep posting!

Originally Posted by struggling2

Maybe i wouldnt feel so overwhelmed if my mom would've been more available. Then I wouldnt be trying to cram 29yrs of mothering into 50min a week. But is T mothering me or do I just idealize her as that and I have to learn how to mother myself in ways that my mom didnt so i can emotionally function? Im so confused and overwhelmed

I think the ultimate goal is to mourn what we didn't get (39 years here) and learn to self soothe and eventually not look for what we missed out on. Therapy is hard and this for me is why. Your not alone and there are others who have "made it to the other side". No pain no gain, life and therapy. Wishing you well.

[bamapsych]

I desperately want that mothering from my T, but she knows this and sometimes I think she is trying to starve that void so that ill get over it. That simply makes it all worse for me. Sometimes I think she does things to make me feel closer to her. Its a rollercoaster. I have all these mixed feelings about her and the therapeutic relationship. Its so confusing. Hopefully it will all come together soon.

[unaluna]

speak up. use your words, you CAN use your voice now, you literally had no power before, a an infant, a child - but as an adult - well, these are lessons we SHOULD have been taught, we should have been encouraged, but boy some of us really were not. Self-esteem was shot down, power was rubbed out. It makes it scary to ask now, but that's step one. Just ask. Just ask T what's going on.

[Sannah]

Right now you have an inner child who is young (emotionally you didn't get what you needed so you didn't develop emotionally). This part of you needs to develop and mature and this will happen with the help of your T and your hard work. The end result is an inner child who is the age of your physical body. Adults don't need to be parented so this will be the end of your problem. Anyone who can show you compassion and attend to your emotional needs will help you along (and this includes you!). This is what the T is doing. Good luck to you struggling!

[struggling2]

thank you all for your responses....i appreciate them so much. i will respond more later as its crazy busy at work right now. just wanted to let you know how much i apprecaite them and how helpful they are.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by struggling2

thank you all for your responses....i appreciate them so much. i will respond more later as its crazy busy at work right now. just wanteid to let you know how much i apprecaite them and how helpful they are.

I agree that asking can be scary...i think that has been tricky for me i therapy of late due to the fact that i have had sketchy care providers and given my background i cannot always discern who is safe to ask...but it sounds like your discrenment is good and getting better...raising the questions as you are takes a lot of courage...blessings!

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Right now you have an inner child who is young (emotionally you didn't get what you needed so you didn't develop emotionally). This part of you needs to develop and mature and this will happen with the help of your T and your hard work. The end result is an inner child who is the age of your physical body. Adults don't need to be parented so this will be the end of your problem. Anyone who can show you compassion and attend to your emotional needs will help you along (and this includes you!). This is what the T is doing. Good luck to you struggling!

Thanks Sannah. I think you hit the nail on the head. I know you're right I just dont know how to get there. What does that process need to look like? I feel like its me completely falling apart and becoming a 2yr old. Needy and emotional. I feel like I need the attention and guidance and nurturing and growing up that a mother gives her child day after day. How is that possible now? Im afraid its going to be giving in to this underlying need for T that I wont let break through. I stuff it. I play it off. Hide it. Can she give me what I need? Would she? It feels like such an overwhelming huge need. How will it not consume me? Ugh. I hate this. I just want to cry and disappear. Just evaporate into my bed or something.

[Sannah]

I think that that little girl needs to speak in therapy. Go from there.