Just checking in...

Thanks for asking me how I have been. Sorry I haven't been on line.
My T was on holiday this week... so no session. I see him Monday.
It was odd because I felt safer with him far away. I knew it was transference of some type but not sure what.... just interesting.

Would like to fill you guys in on things, but not sure really what things are going on really. Trying to not drink as much. I think I am doing better in that area. But having other issues that I can't get into. I know I need to be more careful, but something inside that once was exhausted slid into a different gear the other day at work. IDK.

Wonder if my T will notice anything different? Wonder if I will even bother trying to let him in on things.

I have thought about you a few times over these last weeks and wondered how you were doing. Thanks for checking in!

WePow- you sound kind of flat. ANd you sound kind of non commital about your T. I'm so use to you having great thigns to say about him and your therapy. Are you ok?? Are you feeling disconnected to T?

When does the therapist get back? I hope soon. Not drinking as much sounds like a good idea.

Is this a doubt that your T would have a come-back of any value?
Or are you empty now and just not carrying to pursue ... anything?

To me, it sounds to me that you're in trouble. Do you need help?, We-Pow?

Welcome back!

(((((WePow)))))

I am VERY much exhausted with living. I have felt that way since I was about 8 yrs old. My college years were a little better and I thought I could have a purpose in life. But now being in my 40's without any children... IDK. I just feel heavy on the inside all the time. Not sad. Not even depressed. Just very exhausted.

When T is around, I keep feeling like I need to try harder to find whatever I need. He asks me that all the time, "What do you need?" But I just don't have an answer. Well, I never did before. I thought about it a TON this week with him being gone. The only thing I feel I really NEED that there is just no way to get for myself in this world, where we have to live- keep our friendships alive, keep our relationships intact, keep our jobs, and stay connected with family, is space and time.

I feel like I need to go away where I don't have to talk to anyone. Where I don't have to worry about saying to wrong thing at work. Where I don't have to worry about telephone calls from family informing me of wrecks

*** ((( My mom called a few hours ago and told me that my older half sister's daughter (my half neice) was in a serious motercycle accident today. She is in the hospital and they are trying to save her leg right now. ))) ***

No matter how far away from my family I move, I still care about them and things like this hurt. I just want to be far enough away so I don't hurt any more in my heart. At least for a vacation - a break. I want to wake up just ONE day where I experience JOY that day at being alive rather that dread over what is going to happen in that day.

I keep going to therapy because I keep hoping my mind state is mostly PTSD stuff and if I am able to work through that, maybe the joy will be there. They say joy is what is left when all sorrow is removed.

Yes. Right now I am in trouble. I am in very serious trouble and I know that. But I have to be the one choosing to swim this time. My T can't swim for me. I just really do hope I can get my act together and get whatever I need in healthy ways before it is too late. I can't chose to swim unless I want to swim. Right now I don't want to swim any longer. I haven't for a while now and really not at all in the past month.

But my legs are still kicking at the water and my hands still slapping the waves as I peddle on... Maybe if I just keep swimming, the desire to swim will come back to me.

(((We pow))) I have thought of you a lot and wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. When my PTSD is really bad and I feel like I can't go on any longer there is a song that really helps me. Here's some of the lyrics..

"You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life,
But why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And theres always scars
When you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But your not out forever"

I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

WePow - thanks for checking in. I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are.

Awwwww WePow- I understand how you are feeling. I am in the same frame of mind. Just exhausted and so tired of fighting each and everyday to get up and get going and live (If that's what you want to call it). Last week T asked me if I was feeling suicidal. I said no- not suicidal, (and thought to myself- that takes to much energy to think about) just sooooooo tired. Exhausted.

I totally get not wanting to talk (or look or move or smell) it's just too much to think about what to say next or how to make someone understand what you're saying (especially when you're not sure yourself!). I have yet to remember much of anything from when I was growing up, yet have repetitive dreams about the most uncomfortable things- but then I can't really remember the dreams, I just know I had a dream and I can remember the feelings from them.

It's exhausting.

Hang in there WePow. We're all here for you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately- wondering if you were ok. It's so unlike you to not post.

Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. PLEASE keep in touch. I have learned so much from you. You courage and your ability to reason things through has helped me so much such I've been here at PC. You are honestly someone I really look up to here. BIG HUGS WEPOW!

as tired as you are please keep fighting

wepow, this is like not even a year after your parents' accident. so hard.

((((((WePow))))))

You've given me so much inspiration in the past. I've missed you here too! I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe posting more will help?

WePow, I could have written so much of what's above (minus the accident part--very sorry to hear about that). My heart goes out to you. I wonder that, too, why sometimes I keep on going and fighting because many days seem like a fight. Like you, I need to 'swim' and make better choices for myself--T is wonderful, but cannot and should not always be there... I'm sorry if I'm writing so much about myself, but what you wrote really resonates with me right now.

You guys are so awesome. Thank you so much for the support.
Last night was VERY difficult. But I made it through.
So now on to today!

((((wepow))) moment by moment ..... sometimes seems the only way we get through ..... so yes, keep swimming ...

(((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))