[CantExplain]

One of the things I talked about with T today is the fact that I find it very difficult to be happy for someone else. Other people's happiness doesn't make me happy.

But it's not as simple as that. I was certainly pleased when TheBunnyWithin posted this:

I'm just so very grateful that you've been there for me ..... in the only way you can with all of the frackin' boundaries. Love you!
---Bunny

So I can empathise sometimes. But it has to be something that I myself can understand. And I won't feel happy for someone else if I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I got quite a lot of flack here at PC about not being happy for my wife. She is going on a trip to Roswell with my BIL. I would have been happier if it had been my idea and BIL wasn't involved.

I am sad and ashamed that I don't have the right kind of empathy.

[stopdog]

It is good that you are able to recognize the feelings I think. The flack as I recall, was because you asked if your response to her was fair.

Not sure if this needs a religious trigger, but just in case......

In Buddhism, this concept is called mudita, or Unselfish Joy. It's the capacity to find joy and happiness in the good fortune of another. It is considered the antidote to envy and jealousy, as well as condescension and patronization. It is also recognized to be a very complicated and difficult virtue to develop in oneself.

It seems that there are often plenty of opportunities for thoughts and deeds of pure compassion; but there seem to be all too few for sharing in others' joy. Good for you, CE, for recognizing this opportunity for growth and spiritual deepening. I hope that next time the circumstances arise, your mudita will be that much more developed.

Hi ((((Cant)))) I think I understand what you are writing about but could you please expound on your thoughts / feelings.

Do other peoples' happiness trigger sad feelings in you for something you lost or feel you missed out on?

And why are you not going on a trip with your spouse?

(Sorry trying to get on the same page with you before I respond)

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lucydog

In Buddhism, this concept is called mudita, or Unselfish Joy. It's the capacity to find joy and happiness in the good fortune of another. It is considered the antidote to envy and jealousy, as well as condescension and patronization. It is also recognized to be a very complicated and difficult virtue to develop in oneself.

My T actually mentioned that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Do other peoples' happiness trigger sad feelings in you for something you lost or feel you missed out on?

It's very complicated. I just don't know yet.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

And why are you not going on a trip with your spouse?

I have no interest in UFOs, nor do I wish to be in continuous competition with BIL for days on end. Plus, he has tickets for two to LA but a third ticket would be very expensive.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The flack as I recall, was because you asked if your response to her was fair.

It still hurt.
It hurts right now.

I am sorry for your pain...and i hope you will share more as you feel more comfortable...
Rose

[Perna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I would have been happier if

I don't think we can (or should) manufacture how we feel? Feelings are part of our makeup to help us maneuver through the world, not something we pick up and use as we would like, to shape the world. The world has a shape (your wife is going to Roswell with your BIL) and we have a response to that (that's great, now I will be alone and able to sleep in and eat what I want, not have to worry about someone else, etc.; or, I wish I were going; or, I wish BIL were not involved) but it makes no sense to me to want to script our response. Our response is.

But, how we feel is not the end of it. We don't have to say, (talking being an "action") "I hate you, you get to go to Roswell and I don't and I wanted to go" (I had that when my husband and stepson went to the beach for a week but I had just started a new job the week before so could not take off), we can decide to recognize that we wish we could go and how we'd feel great if we could so extrapolate that the other person feeling great that they are going (or upset because they want us to go and we can't), we can "understand" their feelings, even if their circumstances are not ours at the moment. It does not help or hurt us to recognize our feelings and recognize the other person's feelings and realize we are in different situations so the feelings differ.

I temper being "happy" for the other person. That's not my job, being happy "for" someone else; they have their own feelings they are responsible for expressing! I can say, "Gee, I wish I could go too, I'm jealous" without sounding snarky or self-pitying?

Presumably we are involved in our own lives so other people's lives, where they are not connected to ours, we don't have "time" for? I had just started a job and was not into vacation, had the excitement/duty of a new job and getting to know it and finally getting income and doing what I was doing in my own life. If we are too busy standing at the fence all the time looking over, we're going to miss our own lives and the need to mow the lawn on our own side. The more we compare instead of do, the more our side of the fence gets to looking crappy because we're not caring for it.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

One of the things I talked about with T today is the fact that I find it very difficult to be happy for someone else. Other people's happiness doesn't make me happy.

But it's not as simple as that. I was certainly pleased when TheBunnyWithin posted this:


So I can empathise sometimes. But it has to be something that I myself can understand. And I won't feel happy for someone else if I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I got quite a lot of flack here at PC about not being happy for my wife. She is going on a trip to Roswell with my BIL. I would have been happier if it had been my idea and BIL wasn't involved.

I am sad and ashamed that I don't have the right kind of empathy.

I think until we have fully worked through he mourning what we didn't get, it will feel hard to be happy for others. It's not what others are getting/doing that we react too, it's what we didn't get/do that we act out on others. Until we shake out our pain, there is no room for joy.

[unaluna]

very thoughtful, thought provoking. when I was happy for my now ex-friend's new cottage, I wonder if it was her own pain that caused her to lash out at me for NOT expressing pain and jealousy. so maybe I have got this passive-aggressive thing down better than I thought.

[WikidPissah]

Can't, I am sorry if you felt hurt. I don't think any one specifically wanted to hurt you though. Sometimes when people are honest about what they think it hurts.

I think you are genuinely liked around here.

[Sannah]

CE, this is very insightful that you understand this about yourself. I'll bet it has to do with what you feel that you don't have/jealousy.

Jealousy comes when you feel that you aren't competent.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I think until we have fully worked through he mourning what we didn't get, it will feel hard to be happy for others. It's not what others are getting/doing that we react too, it's what we didn't get/do that we act out on others. Until we shake out our pain, there is no room for joy.

You are right. This is essentially a question of mourning.
I have managed to do some mourning and now I don't feel so bad.

Also, as an Aspie, I find it much easier to cope when I have a plan.
I have found a way to scrape up three thousand dollars over the next couple of months, and that puts me back in control of the finances.