[LoneWolfie]

Ok so last week was really bad, as I pretty much went to town cutting three different days.

I have only been seeing my Pdoc for just over 5 months and I know that one time she FREAKED on me and started to yell, saying it is not okay to do or something. It was enough to stop me for 5 weeks, I was so scared of her reaction if I did.

There have been a few times since then that I have cut, I have gone 2 or 3 weeks at times not cutting.

So last week I did and the whole week I was stressing and thinking she is going to yell and get angry.

She knew about it before my appointment as I do lots of writing that is either dropped off or emailed to her throughout the week.

Well at my appointment all she said was I wish you wouldn't do it. Than came the questions of why I am doing it!

I did come to a realization today, two other coping skills are not available to me.

I tend to binge eat at McDonald's and my license was suspended 6 weeks ago for reckless driving. In December I declared bankruptcy when I went off work and on Short term disability which is now long term through my insurance at work. I owed $20 grand on a credit card, hence my spending problem.

Maybe that is why I am doing more cutting now that I think about it?

LoneWolfie

[karebear1]

I think that you have some really good insightes into why you are cutting. Are you feeling out of control?? Like everything is out of your control? If so, what can you do, other than cut, to reel things back in??

[LoneWolfie]

hi Karebear,

That is one of the reasons I have cut in the past. My life is out of control and the cutting helps with that, at least I have control how much/when I will cut. My psychiatrist has said I am totally out of control.

Reel things back in, I am have been in a pretty dark place for the last few weeks. I was weaned of an anti depressant that I felt only made my anger worse and I haven't been put on anything for that! I'm just on one med Abilify which I thought she was giving me for depression, at my friday app. she mentions it is for anxiety. ARGGGG

Lonewolfie,
I hope you can take back the control in your life and start to see that things are hard right now but it you don't control your life things will spiral out of control.
Is it because you are stressed over your CC bills that you are cutting more? I wish there was some easy way out of this for you... is your Pscychiatrist helping you with coping methods? an alternative to self harm??

[LoneWolfie]

Hi Button,

I don't have CC bill anymore that is why I declared bankruptcy in December, but I still have car payements, and a list of other things and on long term disablitity after I pay the big things I am left with $143 a month for meds, bus fare and personal things.

I am going to be starting DBT in the fall, I am actually in a distress tolerance group right now. But my depression is just pulling me into a really dark ****** place, besides BPD, there is depression, my fear of leaving the house and GAD.

This is the first time I have not been working in my adult life.

No my pdoc is not offering any ideas, guess that is why I am taking the distress tolerance program that is already halfway through. It is only 6 weeks and we meet once a week for 1.5 hours.