[Sunne]

My T is on vacation and I don't see him until the middle of August. We left things last week with a very honest and open talk about our relationship. He is encouraging my attachment (I think) and is trying to make the relationship and our work as safe as possible before we start the trauma work. He has asked for me to email him with journal entries while he is away. He won't be responding (and maybe not reading them). Usually when I email he responds pretty quickly, so I'm missing that support.

Last night I had a really bad experience with dissociating. I was writing about some really tough stuff that happened to me when I was 18. I read it to my husband and he got concerned that I was focusing on it. I said it's okay, because I am numb. We were sitting outside in the dark afterwards and I was really spaced out. I went to bed and was laying there and I starting have body memories and couldn't stop thinking about the incident from my past. My arms and shoulders were not attached to my body and it was like I was floating right above myself, sort of like I was laying on top of myself. My whole body felt like it was vibrating inside.

It was scary, and I felt even more scared because I know my T is not close by. If I really needed him, he is away somewhere. Tears were falling and I couldn't articulate what was happening. My husband brought me water, and a stuffed animal. He tried to bring me back into myself.

It's hard that my T is gone for so long. We have only been together a few months but he is so safe to me (finally). I emailed him what happened but know I won't get a response until he gets back. That's difficult, because we email each other almost every day.

[ECHOES]

We left things last week with a very honest and open talk about our relationship. He is encouraging...

I wonder if you could encourage your mind to go here, to the safety of the relationship and to the reality of missing him right now.

[Perna]

I'm sorry it is so difficult for you right now. I use to do weekly "journals" when my T was away and mail them to her place of business. I would then picture her reading them when she returned/before she saw me again and that picture was calming for me, made me feel more connected to her and my project.

[Sunne]

Thanks to you both. I'm feeling a bit better.

Therapy and breaks are really hard. I know most people feel this way on this board.

Miss him though.

[ECHOES]

Yes, therapy breaks are really hard!

[pbutton]

How are you feeling today?

[Sunne]

Hi pbutton. I'm feeling okay today. No more of what happened the other night.

T said to me that I have had an inordinate amount of loss for someone my age. I never thought that. It's weird having someone tell you how horrible the things you have been through are while you have been minimizing it your whole life.
He has made such a safe space for me to finally let myself grieve and feel. It's almost like I had permission to allow myself to heal and now he's gone and I don't know how to continue. Or how to just stop the process until he get's back.

In our last session he didn't want to talk about the abuse because he's going to be gone for so long so we discussed how much I fear losing him. I am disgusted at myself for this fear and for wanting any sort of dependance on someone. He said no matter what I say, feel, or do he will not leave me. Even if I can't afford it. That's really comforting but at the same time it's creating such a huge attachment that I've never really had. Not a healthy one anyway. I never had anyone I could rely as a child and beyond that I felt safe to have my emotions contained with. It's almost like he is enabling such a strong attachment and wants it to happen. I wonder if that's normal?

So, he wants me to 'keep the emails' coming. So I can reach out and he can understand me better. I feel horrible and beat myself up for every email I send. But he always responds with how happy he is that I emailed him. It's confusing. I don't understand it. I don't read about T's wanting their client to email as a form of journaling. Isn't that putting a lot of pressure and demands on the T?

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. I really need a map with how to deal with all this.

Im really sorry its so hard. Its definitely difficult when t is gone. Mine has been gone a year, but at least we get to talk on the phone. Youre definitely going through a lot. I hope it gets better.