[granite1]

1. that may be expended or used up
2. not essential; not worth preserving
3. able to be sacrificed to achieve an objective, esp a military one

my favorite is the 3rd one.this is who i am to my family.this is my roll

as my T was i think trying to get me to engage with her by talking about fairies it came to me.

the word of the week is expendable and this is what i told her that i am expendable to everyone

i told her about what was going on with my aunt as best i could although i think it was a complete jumbles mess but i did my best. she tried so hard to figure out what was going on. i am going to try the best i can to remember what she said and to understand it .i am finding it very confusing and not sure what i am supose to get from it all.i wish i could remember her words but i can't really.

i was surprised that i was finely able to say how i was feeling.to put a word to it EXPENDABLE.that i am just a means to an end for all these people and always have been.

we talked about how important having a family was to me and how i feel so alone.she told me i had my husband and son.i don't know why but that just made me feel even more lonely.she just couldn't understand or in reality i guess i couldn't

all i know is that this upset me so so much but i think i am being told i shouldn't be.i don't understand why.my T was realy trying to explain to me that i don't need to respond to them.she wanted to know what that would do for me.she asked me what i wanted and i said to feel better. i was hoping she would tell me how but she didn't .isn't that what she is supose to do.

she said that everyone in my family were very disterbed and desprite people that noone ever gave me any kind of stability at all. ok good information but should i do with it it didn't make me feel better it just made me feel horrible.i am lost here and doon't know what she wan't me to feel because what i am feeling is wrong. i think she said i dont need to have them making me miserable so i can choose to not have a family or be miserable and have a family.I'm confused.everything was all over the place for me.i don't know if i accomplished anything at all but to confuse myself more.

good things i think
i actually was able to put a word to something very important to me.and my T accepted this word as truth.
once again she has put words to a behavior of my family and i am relay trying to hear them.
i told T about something that is going on with me,and actually want to TALK more about it

this is it for now there was so much more she said but it is jumbled right now behind my great wall of resistance i hope it is OK if i write more as i remember here and there she said we can talk more about this.i want to write her a letter about some of it .i hope she will read it if i can't

[CantExplain]

((Granite))

I'm sorry that your family treats you as expendable.

Putting a name to your pain is an important step.
I hope you will be able to work through it.
I also hope that others treat you better.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by granite1

good things i think
i actually was able to put a word to something very important to me.and my T accepted this word as truth.
once again she has put words to a behavior of my family and i am relay trying to hear them.
i told T about something that is going on with me,and actually want to TALK more about it

Don't think...know that these are very good things. You had a really good session today and I am proud of you for talking!!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Granite))

I'm sorry that your family treats you as expendable.

Putting a name to your pain is an important step.
I hope you will be able to work through it.
I also hope that others treat you better.

thanks can't.
i think in some way my T was trying to get me to see that my husband and son don't treat me this way.
i don't understand why that didn't matter to me that the only thing that is important is that my family does.
every part of me wants to scream at them to not do this anymore. but this will never happen.why now is it more important then anything.
i know i am making no sense here someday i will have the words

[unaluna]

i'm hoping i'll be able to get some of my family back, the younger generation, when the old crones die off, but dang it they are taking their time about it. and now they are starting to get replacement parts - they could last forever, zombie grannies. one way to look at it.

ETA: Until then, THEY'RE expendable! (ya gotta say it like Al Pacino in that movie where he was playing a lawyer? "I'm out of order? YOU'RE outa order! This whole PLACE is outa order!" I do like Al. He spit on me once, I was at a play in NYC, sitting in the first row. THAT's the real reason I never take a bath... )

[karebear1]

I'm so proud of you for talking to your T about this granite. It was just a efw days ago that you didn;t think you'de be able to, but look at you! Even if it was mixed up for you- you still did it! Way to go girl!!

I'm also impressed that you are finding value in yourself. When you say that every part of you wants to scream at them to not do this anymore...... it's powerful! Then, you wonder why now it's so important to you to do this. Well- I think it's because you are believing that you do not deserve to be treated the way they are treating you- and you're right! Your sense of self esteem is growing - that's awesome!

If you feel horrible about what T said about your family, it's not a reflection so much on you as it is on them Granite. Do you feel bad about it because you think T was critical about your family or do you feel bad about it because you thinking about what she said made you realize that you missed out on the things you deserved as a child. Things like stability and adult role models that functioned wholly - without acting out and taking it out on a child, making that child expendable so they could live comfortably in their own skins?

I love all the realizations you had this week. I'm so very impressed with the ability you have developed to look at things as they are- right in the face- and deal with them. OMG- you are such an awesome example for me! Thanks granite!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by granite1

someday i will have the words

i hear 'hope' in these words... i think that's a good thing.

[pbutton]

Granite, you're really kicking a s s in therapy. You amaze me. It may feel awful to you, but your progress is AMAZING.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I sure hope this isn't off topic, but man, just look at all this!!!

>> i was finely able to say how i was feeling.to put a word to it
>>i actually was able to put a word to something very important to me.and my T accepted this word as truth.
>> once again she has put words to a behavior of my family and i am relay trying to hear them.
>> i told T about something that is going on with me,and actually want to TALK more about it

and all in the space of one hour. wow this is all great stuff!!

>> there was so much more she said but it is jumbled right now behind my great wall of resistance
you seem to be making a lot of progress with that great wall of resistance. Maybe you have put a little window in it, because you are getting some of these things through. I am SO impressed to hear all of this Granite!! especially this one, I guess >> i told T about something that is going on with me,and actually want to TALK more about it

thanks so much for sharing this!! I needed a lift today.

[WikidPissah]

((granite)) I am glad some good things came about. Good job.

[kiki86]

not really sure what to say. just wanted to offer hugs. xx

[Perna]

There's a movie, "The Expendables" from 2010, and a new one, "Expendables II" coming out in August. I like thinking about expendable from that point of view; they send these guys in, thinking they will fail, unable to give them additional help if they have trouble, etc. and what happens? In actuality, what the people sending them in think, doesn't matter; they succeed, they don't need outside help, they are strong and their own persons, able to deal with the situations without the people who think they are their superiors.

Other people's labels of us have no bearing on us! We are not other people's to define.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

the only thing that is important is that my family does.
every part of me wants to scream at them to not do this anymore. but this will never happen.why now is it more important then anything.

Do you feel that your T didn't understand this?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you feel that your T didn't understand this?

a big part of me felt she didn't get any of what i was saying but that cant be true.i know she wouldnt want me to be feeling that everything i am feeling is wrong .i just feel it is kind of me not hearing what she is saying ond not understanding what is being said .i kind of feel stupid because i think it should be a simple concept but i don't even know what was going on.so i also feel it had to be me because my T cant be that bad or mean right.she wouldnt tell me it is all wrong

[Perna]

My T use to say to me, "It's not like that" and I loved that response! It meant I could let go of what I was thinking and look at the situation some other way. It's okay to not understand! That's why we are in therapy, to learn stuff we don't know/understand yet.