My T is beautiful!

Hi gang!

At times, I have been a bit disparaging about T's appearance. I couldn't see with my eyes what I saw with my heart.

But other times, like today, she can be very beautiful, and I told her so.

I don't suppose she's objectively any different today. I must bring her beauty with me.

She was wearing dark clothes: a dark brown twin-set, a dark grey skirt and dark blue leggings and boots. I used to find her darkness cold, but I see now it is a warm, safe darkness.

But her stillness bothers me. We talked about stillness. "What about your own stillness?" I am still when I am reading, listening to music, and sometimes I feel especially connected to T or W and just enjoy the comfort and companionship. But my mind is very rarely still.

I told her about being anxious. I've had some knocks during the week, but I recovered and handled them well. We think that although my head thinks everything is under control, my heart has yet to catch up.

T said that W and a I are very supportive of each other. I suppose that's true, but I don't know how other couples are. T *does* know how other couples are, and is very impressed with us two.

Does anyone have a reaction to this?

sorry, the color combo just threw me. And I am just starting out about r/s.

((((Cant)))) I am not sure what type of reaction to have. I've read it a couple of times and am not sure what there is to respond / react to.

I read:
My T is beautiful - inside and out
Stillness, Anxiety, Rough week and weathered the storm
My S/O and I have a solid relationship (according to my T)

Please help me and tell me what you are looking for here...clearly you needed some input but I'm not sure what to write because I don't see anything to respond to other than...

...great journal'ing

(I keep staring at your avatar...it's fantastic!)

i've seen you post about your T's appearance before. why is that so important to you?

I read it, but I do not know what kind of response you are looking for. Sorry.

That's a question worth thinking about.

i wonder why her stillness bothers you?

On Friday, T is wearing exactly the same clothes she wore on Monday. Does these mean she wears the same clothes all week? Or have they come round in rotation already? What does it mean?

Why does it matter to you?

i can't tell if you're joking or not.

that sounds like most people I know ... usually reasons connected to things like laundry and not having unlimited clothes budgets or even just clothes preferences; what does it mean to you her wearing the same outfit? how does it compare to your own experience and your wifes?

I often wear the same clothes because : they are comfortable and I like them, I forget from week to week what I wore on Friday by the next Monday, i have several copies of the same thing, i don't think it matters as long as they are clean and presentable, I am not interested in clothes or fashion at all beyond reasonably appropriate to the situation and comfort.
So perhaps the t has some similar reasons. But why does it matter to you?

I honestly don't even know what I wore on Monday. I don't know what T wore yesterday. Hell, he could have been wearing the same thing that I wore on Monday and I still wouldn't know. lol

I do have to admit, the description of your T's color combo sounds a bit strange.

I noticed my T was wearing the same outfit Tuesday as she was last Thursday (black knit shirt with gray khakis). I know it was the same shirt as last week because the tag sticks out of that shirt and I know where she got it. However, she appeared to be wearing new shoes (thank God because I hated the ones she wore Thursday).

I surmise she doesn't have many clothes. She lost a good deal of weight while in chemo. She also mentioned to me Tuesday in conversation that she no longer enjoys shopping (blasphemy!).

I don't know why your T wore the same outfit twice in a week. Like other posters, I would not wear the color combo either. Brown doesn't go with gray or navy!

Some people don't have a large number of clothes and they rotate them for work. I know I have to do that. Maybe she likes that outfit because it is particularly comfortable to her for some reason. Really though. Why does it matter what she is wearing?

I wonder why what your T wears is so urgent for you. I think you need to examine this. Often people care little for what they wear, especially as people age. I get the feeling that you aren't in your twenties or early thirties. .. if I'm wrong, I apologize. Most people who are older than this, really begin to pay less attention to physical things such as clothing or body form. I'm not saying that people dont' want to "look good" but they dont' obsess about it so horribly. If it's clean and presentable, they wear it. I know that is my way of operating.

I've read your posts often and I respectfully propose that you worry too much about ones appearance, your therapist most of all. You talk about how she looks (facially) and what she wears. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but is very interesting and unique. I think you need too examine this more from the perspective of how these things impact your and your own social/emotional growth.

I am nearly fifty.

I conjecture that T's appearance is important because it's something she doesn't hide.
Her way of thinking is very strange to me, and sometimes I don't understand her at all.
I have trouble reading her face.

I notice what she wears and what she looks like. You might want to think about why that bothers you.

Seriously, I am baffled and upset by the reception I'm getting here.

First my post goes unanswered for three days, and then people think I'm strange because I notice what my T looks like.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've always tried to be supportive of everyone else.

I understand if CantExplain notices T's style, I do the same thing. For me, my T is her voice and appearance. I listen and look. I like to think that my T has it all together, with a clear head and pulled together look.

When I started therapy, I felt and looked like a mess. Now, I take the time to blowdry and put on a nice outfit. T modeled that for me. I still hate me, but I feel better about me a bit!

If my T ever looked disheveled, I would worry that they had problems. IMHO

It seems people have been trying to provide explanations for why T wears the same clothing - which to me seems supportive, they try to show you that there can be many different reasons for this, all of which are mundane and not related to Ts state of mind or anything like that.

But I must admit that it is baffling to me, as well, why this is important to you. I won't call you strange, because I do know that many people do notice what others are wearing, but it seems like a waste of mental resources for you to spend time thinking about it, is all.

Hmm. I'm not following you exactly here - apologies for being dense. In what way could she hide her appearance? From my point of view, wearing the same clothes is a sign of not being very concerned with one's appearance, rather than flaunting it - but maybe that's not what you mean at all?

my questions were more wondering if this is something outside your usual experience or not; rather than a comment on anything else (no intended criticism so sorry if it came out that way)

I don't think it's strange for you to notice what your therapist wears.

But it is strange for you to post about it and expect receptive feedback, as if you've had an important epiphany.

((((Auto)))) lol! Seriously, though, in all fairness ((((Cant)))) when I read your post, I honestly didnt know what to make of it since you seemed to be making observations and statements...what to say to that? IDK.

I do think you are being supported here...other members have kindly responded, posed valid questions and acknowleged your post.

Frankly, all I notice about my Ts are that they are put together well. I work in an industry where all that matters is outward beauty and appearance. So in my off time, my "me time" it is nice for me to not have to think about anything like that.

I probably would notice, though, if my T looked unwell...and I wouldnt hesitate to ask about it. Because it would be out of the norm.

Kind regards,

Why dont you ask her?