what does T provide that RL don't?

I'm currently winding down in therapy after 10 months (Sept 2011-Nov 2011 with intern, then Feb 2012-now with current T). My T asked me yesterday what I gain from therapy/therapist? We both agree that I find it interesting indeed. She pointed out how I even started back to college to get a Psych degree and hopefully one day be a therapist myself. She knows that I'm on PC alot. She's aware of my deep feelings of her and exT. I told her that I get something from it but that I'm unable to define or identify exactly what it is. She said for her that therapy provided clarity and guidance and just to be heard. It's so much more/deeper than that for me. My life has been completely redefined. I'm not at all the same as I was a year ago. I told her that what therapy provides for me is something that I've never had, but that I hope and pray that I can find in real life. She assured me that I can and will if I keep looking. What is it that I'm missing in real life that therapy provides for me? Help appreciated. Thanks in advance PC friends

I have no answer to this bamapsych, but am interested in the replies you get. Good luck with your studies. Soup

Therapy, for me, was a relationship with another person who was interested in me and cared about me and my life, a partner. Perhaps it is time for you to look for a life partner?

For me, therapy was a place where I could talk about whatever I needed to without feeling the need to protect the listener, and it is a place where the listener is truly an objective, uninvolved party who can just be straight with me. All those real-life personal dynamics where we have old history with people and are inhibited in one way or another because of all that history aren't a factor in therapy. Fresh, objective ears and straightforward, honest feedback--I so value that in my therapists. I love my family and my friends, but that level of complete openness and honesty with them is just not going to happen because there is just too much history and personal emotional involvement and baggage involved.

Ok. So I am not good at being articulate so if this doesn't make sense, I apologize. For me, therapy provides a safe place where I am slowly slowly slowly learning to reveal a little bit of my heart and thoughts without fear of judgement, belittling, or ridicule.

T actually said it for me really well yesterday, that there are risks associated with revealing your thoughts, like "what if T closes up shop," or "what if I get what I need, then what would I do?" (when you are not used to getting validated or feel like your thoughts are unimportant).

So for me, I guess therapy is learning to trust someone and knowing that T isn't going to hurt me. I know I won't be hurt there. I may feel hurt from my own emotions, but she isn't going to hurt me by saying I am stupid, or a *bleep*.

Hope this helps?

For me, it's the unconditional love/caring that I get from T and no one else. The undivided attention too, all focused on me. No one else cares, or if they do, they are busy with their own life so they do not have 90 minutes a week for me. T shows and tells me that she likes me, and is interested in me more than anyone else except my mother, who is not alive to care about me like that. T provides safety and calmness, something I am working on finding for myself. She accepts me totally, and doesn't judge me. Those qualities don't exist in a RL person, though I have a friend who comes pretty close.

T also provides intensity and excitement for me. That's not so healthy, but part of the deal for me.

It is someone who is paid to stay out of my real life and who I do not have to worry about.

T gives me lots that has been missing from my real life. He gives me the space and support I need to learn how to take control of my own life, to acknowledge and speak the truth about my experience, to have compassion and respect for myself. I couldn't have done any of these things without someone clearing a space to make it happen and coaching me along the way.

T1 was the closest person to me ever in my life. I looked/look up to her. She believed in me and that's what I needed before I could change my life.
In therapy I felt caring and and acceptance from T.

Someone that I don't have to worry about. That is THE biggest thing for me. I also like having an objective party who will willingly point out things that I cannot see.

** a place to park my spare $$

** a kindly voice of reason, for when I get too wrapped up in some event or perception

** a place where I can ask questions I'd never dare ask anyone else

** a chance to talk over problems with someone who has 25+ yrs of helping people with very difficult problems

** a chance to interface with someone who clearly sees me for what I am, and instead of judging/rejecting me, is willing to tell me about it gently enough that I can endure hearing it, and be motivated to work on changing.

My t is the only person in my life who actually cares enough to ask me how i feel or how im doing. I dont have anyone else to do that. Theres no one else who wants to hear what i have to say.

For me it was a level of connection and trust I hadn't thought possible before. I'd not had it in my 'real life'...

I would hazard a guess that therapy provides a place where you can speak about yourself and your issues with someone who doesn't have a hidden agenda. With friends, they ALWAYS have a hidden agenda. It might make them feel important/feed their self esteem to talk to you about this stuff. It might make them feel like their problems aren't all that bad compared to yours. Stuff like this. Their hidden agenda is talking to you makes them feel good in some way.. thus they keep talking to you. If they didn't get that hit of nice feelings, they wouldn't bother. The only hidden agenda the psych has is the money and that is not very hidden.. its sort of a "you knew it up front" kind of deal. This is why I prefer therapy to talking to a "friend".

For me, therapy provides a place where I can relate to another human being in a honest, enjoyable way. I don't enjoy my interactions with most people in RL. I'm fake-nice and fake-friendly, relying on fake emotions to make me appear human. All the fakery has made it hard for me to see who I am.

Therapy has given me a safe place to learn who I am, why I am the way I am (so I can stop self-hating), and how I can use my strengths to cope with my weaknesses. It has taught me that even though this world doesn't seem real to me half the time (and I don't want it to be real the other half of the time), that doesn't mean I have to be a passive observer waiting to die.

A T pays full attention all the time.

Validation, positive regard, no judgement, amazing eyecontact, feeling understood, hugs ( when I least deserve it) and so on....

My t is the only one, besides my h and mil, who shows any interest in who i am as a person inside. . .no one else ever asks me how i feel about anything, what I'm interested in, what i think about, my hobbies, or anything else. No one else seems interested in me at all, not even my parents.

When i talk to people, i try to show interest in them and ask questions to find out things about them, but they rarely reciprocate. Sadly, most people are only intersted in themselves.

I also can't talk to friends or acquaintances about my mental or emotional problems because they don't get it. Usually, they either minimize it or imply that i need to just be more positive, etc. Places like PC do provide support, and i'm very grateful to folks here, because it's one place where i DO feel i can discuss such things.

Therapy provides something for me that i've always needed in my life. The idea that how i think and feel is important, and that i am worth something, and that there's somebody who actually cares enough to listen and try to help me.

I also have a friend i email with who is a PC member, and i am very grateful for her! She knows who she is!

I think therapists do have hidden agendas. I don't think my friends do. The only plus in dealing with a therapist for me is not taking care of them.

My T, through transference, has modeled and therefore helped heal, what a loving, caring father-daughter relationship should be. He has helped me uncover, and walk through, SA memories, and led me to ultimate healing. He has helped me uncover deeply hidden shame, without being judgmental, and again, helped me heal, to the point that I know can say I love myself, and find worth in myself as a person and human being. As a borderline, my feelings are sometimes all over the place - he validates my feelings while gently helping me to see that there are more healthy alternatives.

Also, I don't have anyone in my life that can talk me down off the ledge after an episode of SI, or many times when I've been contemplating SI, and he's been able to interrupt the cycle of self harm.

All that being said, I have to add that my husband of 37 years runs a VERY close second to my T in terms of being caring and supportive. No, he doesn't have the professional training and/or know what to do psychologically, but he tries very hard and is tremendously supportive and loving. He's my rock - always has been, always will be, long after T is gone.