i am NOT expendable

this was the only thing my T wanted me to remember from todays session.

my session was so up and down crazy with my emotions all over

to start with she came downstairs to get me and when i stood up from my chair in the waiting room she stepped aside to let me go first no way i totally cant handle that.in fact it made me stop dead in my track and i couldn't move at all until she said oh do you need me to go first? and then she started to walk in front of me.i followed her .then her door was closed.if i had went first i would have been confronted by the closed door.,then i got in the room and the chair was moved further in the corner again.i don't understand why she was doing this to me again.but i tried to just let it go.i didn't want it to run my T because i know it would cause me not to be able to interact with her. at the time i am just trying to ignore it although it is in the back of my mind that she did this and why.

i wasn't talking and she asked me if thing have changed with the stuff around my aunt or if they are still the same.i was finding it so hard to say anything at all so i just shrugged my shoulders again but said my aunt just hates me along with everyone else in my family.she started with the that isn't true and asked me why i would think that.i just thought the question was so absurd.i just couldn't answer i didn't want to hear all the stuff she was saying again like last week.i so shut down, so again silence and then i just blurted out that i know she want me to say yes to all this stuff but i cant and i don't even know if i care about my aunt or anything.i think this totally frustrated my T .i don't think she was going to have any of my not speaking .she said then it you don't care then it isn't a problem and we don't need to talk about it what is going on with her.is she just trying to cause me to be upset.the stares, the door, the chair and now this. i just whispered OK. after another long silence and her shifting and sighing in her chair she asked me if i had any other problems i wanted to talk about. i just blurted out that i don't understand anything you are trying to say to me about my aunt i just feel so miserable and i want to leave your office.she said OK then lets talk about that . maybe what I'm saying doesn't mean anything to you right now.maybe you have something else going on so it is all just gibberish to you.so lets talk about you feeling miserable

god my head was spinning and i just didn't have anything left to fight i just told her that i feel horrible and just have no words to tell her about it at all.after a few minutes she asked me if i wanted to draw what i was feeling i told her i already did .after that i instantly wished i hadn't said that she was all like . she asked if she could see it and i was so confused with my head screaming are you kidding no don't show her your T journal you will be so sorry .i will be sure of that. but i so wanted to show her also. she kind of pushed me by saying "take out your book and show me" so i just did .omg i can't believe i am showing her something in my T journal. can YOU all believe i am showing her something in my T journal. i just got it opened it and handed it to her.i wanted to jump out of my skin it felt so uncomfortable. i asked her almost immediately if i could have it back now.i think i even stood up off my chair.i literally wanted to jump out of my skin.she just said NO.i said to her i was impressed with how many definitions of expendable are in the dictionary. she started reading what i had written last month in my journal i was like ummm you are suppose to be looking at my picture not reading that can i have my book back now.i was not comfortable with it at all.she said no but did start focusing on the pic and reading the definitions of expendable. she asked if this is how I'm feeling

i blurted out YES. it isn't just my aunt it is my life .it is everyone. she said that the girl in the pic is broken is this how you feel? i said i feel like i am broken into a thousand pieces and just being thrown away again.she asked if there is ever been a time that i haven't felt expendable.i said no that this is my roll in life. she asked me if this is what I'm going to do,to break myself into pieces and throw myself away and i instantly said yes and wanted to take it back just as fast.panic .run away mode hit like a freight train.what is she going to do.hospital ????.but she didn't(did i tell you i have the most awesome T)she said that i need to know that to some people i am NOT expendable. people like my husband and my son.but that i have just forgotten this and that i need to remember this.she brought up about me going to Washington to my sons graduation and how much he wanted me there . i remember it as a miserable trip i remembered i freaked out .but i thought it was so sweet of her trying to get me to see that my son and husband care i couldn't share with her how i was thinking that my son is living his life and doesn't need me in it at all now.it seemed so important that i see I'm not expendable.i think she even said this to me .she asked me if i was listening to her and made me look at her. i realized that i had not really looked at her for almost the whole session.i looked at her and she was sitting in her seat leaning toward me and it really felt cool .like maybe she did care somewhat about how i was feeling like maybe she believed me and really wanted me to feel better.all in something so stupid ad leaning toward me in her chair and saying .i need you to remember this week that you are not expendable .i couldn't handle the intensity of what she was saying so i just came back with .can i have my book back now?she said yes and at this point i was standing up but she didn't .she stayed in her chair and i let my self out. what is she doing playing around with the routine it is scaring me

It was great that you stayed and talked. Can you tell her about the routine changing and how it bothers you?

(((granite))) wow ... i'm so impressed you gave her the book, scary and all and that you were able to share so much with your T... and glad also that she understands enough to not send you to hospital; not sure what she is doing with the routine ... that would be confusing how does it feel when you think about those words of not being expendable?

wow stop you read all this for you .thanks . some day i will but not right now .i'm kind of worried about why she is doing what she is doing and am not ready for her answers yet

You have such a good T. She's pushing you a bit, but that's the only way to get you to move forward. Her message to you about your importance to your husband and your son is spot on. She's right: you need to remember that.

You have this tendency to read "meaning" into very concrete things like chair placement and who goes first or who stands up. Rather than assume she has some deep-seeded purpose for those things and latch onto that, CHOOSE to latch onto her message about your importance to your husband and your son. Those other things really don't mean anything except in your imagination; look to the reality which is that your husband cares, your son cares, and yes, your T cares too.

She was really smart to move on to a different topic when you couldn't say anything about your aunt. She actually incited you to blurt out how you weren't understanding what she was saying about your aunt rather than letting you just sit there in silence. Good for you for telling her what you were having trouble with. That's great work.

It was very brave of you to allow her to see your journal. And she used it so well to hone in on that whole concept of being expendable. Notice that you lived through her looking at your journal and it had a really strong outcome in your session.

You really are making such improvement in finding ways to communicate what you need and feel to your T, and your trust in her is growing stronger. Just try not to read too much into environmental changes. They bother you, but it is doubtful that they have a great deal of meaning to your T. That's in your mind for some reason.

Good work Granite!

i think i didn't have enough time to explain to her how it truely is this way with my family and always has been.but it was so important to her that i not feel expendable that i just let it go FOR NOW

i dont know why her changing the routine or the stuff in the room feel like her trying to punish me. but it does .i do have to say i did do an ok jub atleast trying to put in on the back burnre durring the session but i agree i need to not let it creep in now and focus on what she asked me to do.and that is focus on remembering the things that will help me feel important.today i do feel i have an awsome T. even if i did frustrate her a bit

sounds like a very tough session. T seems to be pushing you, like Chris said. that's good though, that's how you grow i think. i mean look, you showed her your journal because she was pushing you! i think you did really well.

It's okay if she gets frustrated. People get frustrated. Remember, you can get frustrated with you husband or your son and you still love them and care about them, right? Well, your T can have feelings of frustration too that in no way discounts her caring for you.

Yesterday as my T and I were putting some closure on our time together, he talked about the times he was so incredibly frustrated, frustrated with me, frustrated with himself. But the frustration was really because he could so plainly see what I needed to see but couldn't get me to see it myself at that point. IF your T is frustrated, it isn't out of anger; I really don't think it is. Her frustration comes from a place of caring. Maybe try to keep that perspective about it.

change of routine can be good. we seem to have cut out our opening chit-chat and are getting right into things lately. this is a big change for me. I saw T's eyes open a little wide when I dove right in today. now we keep having 10 minutes left over at the end.

sounds like quite a different session for you, more interactive. like T is becoming less of an authority figure and more of a regular person, like a friend.

and you are NOT expendable to me, girlie-girl. who am I gonna watch ramsay with??!

Good work granite!

i think it's amazing and powerful that you share your T journal with your therapist. you continue to be brave and work so hard, granite.

what is she doing playing around with the routine it is scaring me?

my t is doing the same thing., having me come in weekly, making the appts himself. giving me compliments, and you know what?
at first it was hard going everyweek, then it was harder listening to what he was saying, and once i even freaked out and left after twenty minutes, he called and i went back the next night to try again but..... now it is finally working. i am talking, sharing and feeling somewhat better in life. still have a lot of hurdles, but the caring feels strange in the beginning, can feel better later on

sending safe hugs