Feedback or support, please?

Hello all,

First, I apologize for not being around much or offering much support. I've been traveling and been super busy. I'm hoping that y'all will forgive me and possibly help me out here.

I had something happen this weekend, and while I emailed my T about it, it's still bothering me...even more so now that I've gotten her response. I'm hoping someone else has had a similar experience or can offer some insights, or just some support.

As a kid, my father was an alcoholic. With a little alcohol, he was more friendly and outgoing than normal...with a little more, he became snide, cutting, obnoxious, and made hurtful comments. He was never violent towards me but he still scared me. I think some of that fear was in just knowing that he was different and not knowing what to expect. As a result of his behavior and my own extreme need for control, I've never been one to drink alcoholic beverages. When I realized the effect even a small amount of alcohol had on my already existing anxiety, depression, and OCD, I swore off alcohol entirely.

Last weekend, I had a craving for a glass of wine. Just one...but I never actually crave an alcoholic drink. I wasn't anxious or depressed, a glass of wine just sounded nice. So, I went to the store, bought a really good bottle of wine, came home and had a glass. That glass lasted a good 2 hours (I drank half of it, set it down and forgot about it for a while). After I finished it, I was tempted to have a second glass, but that desire caused me to panic, and then I freaked out about having that first glass. I'm completely upset with myself for having the wine. I'm completely freaked that I wanted more than one glass. I'm disturbed by the urge I had to have an alcoholic drink, and that I gave in to that urge. I was so upset by this that I emailed T. I felt foolish after I emailed her, as I realized that I'm probably totally overreacting.

I've realized that my childhood has left me with some seriously skewed ideas of what is or is not something to be concerned about. My T confirmed this when she said that in our next session, we could talk about when it's appropriate to be worried and when it's not (specifically regarding drinking). I just feel like a total freak for not understanding this and for being as worried as I am. I get upset when a friend has more than one drink out, even though I know they aren't drunk. I dislike going to bars because it scares me to be around intoxicated people. I know that my response is completely out of proportion, and that just makes me feel even more screwed up.

My husband has the exact same issues with drinking. His father was an alcoholic and my husband his super, hyperaware, hyper almost paranoid about using alcohol. It is an over-reaction to what he grew up experiencing and a fear that he will somehow become the monster that his father was. It is something he is still working on.

What was going on that you had that thought that a glass of wine sounded nice? That's a very subjective thought? Too, I was interested in your saying you bought a "really good" bottle of wine; I drink wine, will be buying a bottle for my dinner I'm giving next weekend but I have no clue! I have to take other people's say so for what is "good" and my opinion on if it is good or not (I am buying red wine and don't care for read as much as I do "blush" or a sweet white, like white zinfandel) often differs.

If it had happened to me, I would take it that maybe I was ready to work on this "issue", my father's drinking and my feelings about others drinking and my reactions? This looks to me like a very clear cut picture/instance/issue? It could be poster child for thinking about one's responses, whether they are one's own or carried over from childhood, etc., it's easy to "see" and work with? So, it could just be your unconscious messing with you and trying to figure out how to move you in a healthy direction (looking at your responses to day-to-day happenings, seeing where you are, want to be, what's healthy versus unhealthy - like your T wants to discuss next session) kind of like one's dream images can?

Nothing special was going on. I'd been fairly relaxed all day, had a nice lunch with a friend, and we stopped in at a Target to pick up a few things. She bought some beer and I saw the wine and just thought that I wanted a glass. I was embarrassed to say anything to my friend, because she knows how I feel about drinking alcohol and how much it usually bothers me.

When I was in college and just graduated, I learned to appreciate a good wine from some friends, and it was a "safe" drink because my father rarely drank wine and I could hold a glass and sip it for hours. (Huh...didn't realize it was a "safe" drink until I typed that.) So, my local upscale grocery store has a nice liquor section with a "wine steward"...I asked for what I wanted - a sweet red, not too dry, and he suggested a few options for me to select from.

Interesting point. Yes, maybe I am ready to work on this issue. It was a single instance that is very reflective of my overall feelings.

Of course, I still feel like a total freak for over reacting so much. And my T would tell me not to label, that I had a reaction to events, and then she'd ask me who's voice I'm hearing and who's yard stick I'm measuring by to determine that I was being a "freak" and that I "over" reacted.

To some extent, I can relate to what you say - the feelings of guilt connected to anything to do with alcohol, and the dislike of the loss of control that comes with drinking too much. You say you overreacted, which in one way is true because one glass of wine drunk slowly over two hours is a very small amount of alcohol (well, if you are a sober alcoholic it's too much, but you clearly are no kind of alcoholic at all) - but since you are carrying these frightening memories from childhood, maybe it is not so much an overreaction as a reaction? If you see what I mean. I agree with Perna, this sounds like it could be a sign that you need to work on those memories and the issues they carry with them.

Another thing: I'm far from being an expert on these things, but from what I understand, the mere fact that you wanted a good wine rather than just wine is one sign that alcohol is not even potentially a problem for you. What I mean is that you mentioned having a "craving", but my understanding of alcohol cravings is that you wouldn't crave a nice wine - the fact that you did sounds like it had more to do with the taste of the wine than the fact that it's alcohol. This is something I can definitely relate to. I like good wine, that is to say, I have some notion of the kinds of wine I like and I really don't like the very cheap stuff. Which sounds like snobbery, but it isn't - it's not always true that more expensive is better - it's just a matter of finding out what you like. For me it's the same with beer, actually, and sushi, and chocolate, and tea, and other things that come in a range of qualities and varieties.

Thank you! This actually helped a ton. You're right - it wasn't alcohol that I was craving, but the taste of wine. And, yes, I'm very particular in the things I like.

I think that freaking over freaking out actually makes you normal, in my world view.

I'm not a huge fan of CBT, but it seems like your reaction may be in part about your distorted beliefs about consuming alcohol-- that "craving" means your an alcoholic, that drinking one drink means you'll turn into your father, etc. It might be a useful exercise for you to explore this-- there's a sticky in case you've forgotten at the top of the forum about the 10 top distortions and their "corrective" statements. It might be that the way you think about alcohol is a variation of those distortions.

Our responses to stimuli (I prefer responding to reacting :-) take place over time? You were surprised ("Oh my goodness, what have I done?") and, gradually, that has moved through calling T and being reassured and down to this wonderful conversation. It will continue to seeing T and good things will come of it?

Thanks all for the support and feedback.

It really helps to know that I'm not alone in responding ( ) so strongly to this.

I needed someone to help me normalize my experience!

I "average" about one drink per month, that's how I answer dr's forms that ask how much do you drink. So I get your craving for a "taste". I'm glad they make those smaller bottles, or i'll have a glass of wine at a restaurant with a friend. it's awesome, but then i'm done for a long while. OTOH, I cannot have a box of chocolates in the house.

I think your response to the bottle of wine was very reasonable considering what you said about seeing your dad as a child. Totally reasonable!! I'm not surprised that you paniced. I haven't really got anything useful to say other than that.. its just what I thought when I read your post.