Been with T since sept 04. Today was our last session of the summer. T always takes 4wks off. Today was the first time I actually wished her a relaxing break.

I remember the first aug, back in 05. When she handed me her holiday dates back then I was traumatised. I spent the whole last session not talking. Hoping the power of sulking would break T down. Omg, how embarrassing now when I think back lol. T later interpreted that silence as my way of communicating how silent and alone her going left me feeling.

I so wouldn't want that time back. It was a very painful time. I couldn't fathom how she could leave me then. I just wanted to explode and blow T up. The rage I felt, the having to talk about it, the whole learning exPereince was awful. The feelings of abandoment and betrayal. T would say "yes but you kept on coming and we survived it. I didn't want to hear that.

I was so stuck in that narcissistic stage of "king baby". No wonder we do our growing up as children, least there's toys to take our minds of the pain of learning other people have needs too lol. Learning this **** as an adult stinks. Lol. But, I wanted to be an adult more than I wanted to remain emotionally stunted. And yes, me and T did survive and it's a rewarding relationship.

Thank you for sharing, I think so many times people forget to use the boards for praise reporting as well. Its an inspiration to us all to see each other grow and know we too can do the same.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

No wonder we do our growing up as children, least there's toys to take our minds of the pain of learning other people have needs too lol. Learning this **** as an adult stinks. Lol. But, I wanted to be an adult more than I wanted to remain emotionally stunted. And yes, me and T did survive and it's a rewarding relationship.

is THAT the trick to it??! seriously, I need these things spelled out for me, I have guilt over EVERYTHING. The tape running across the bottom of my screen always says, 'make a sacrifice . make a sacrifice . make a sacrifice ...'

Hankster, I don't understand. Can you say more?

[unaluna]

eg toys. my brother would ask for toys for xmas, but I knew that made the parents mad, so I didn't ask for any, and didn't get any, and that didn't make me or them happy. I was expected to just sit there and wait - no toys - and I did. And once I went to Catholic school, I understood that in terms of the religion - offer it up, make a sacrifice. Are you feeling squirmy in your seat? Sit still and offer it up (to God) - make a sacrifice. I must have heard that a million times. I think it's teaching kids to dissociate. Your post about toys making the learning sweeter just seriously knocked something together for me. I have toys - books, crafts, whatever - lying unused all over my house. They are sacrifices.

Hankster, I think I meant it in a general sense. Ie children &toys. I don't think it's about asking for toys. Children are able to make toys out of a saucepan and wooden spoon if you get my grasp.

[unaluna]

I understand that. I did have crayons (my brother's left over from school). I made them march in parades at the dining room table. but not in front of my mother. I think my playing infuriated her.

But it's amazing how those of us that were denied, still found a way to play. This is my point, a childlike mind. So creative. Can withstand a lot with a creative outlet.

[Dreamy01]

Hi Earthmamma

I relate to this. When my first and former ts went on a break I'd feel so angry with them and really alone and rejected. All I could think of was how terrible they were for leaving me. Former t would become a bit defensive saying 'well I want a break' which made it harder. But like you I survived these times.

My current t is now on a break. It's hard and I miss her. But from an adult place I know she needs one and I genuinely wish her a relaxing time. I'm pleased the weather is so nice for her. I know that she needs a break in order to be fully present with me when we return to our work together. And I know she needs time away for herself and her family. Those are perspectives I couldn't have embraced in the past. Knowing those things helps me feel empowered as an adult. But it has taken a lot of pain to get here.

[minneymouse]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

But, I wanted to be an adult more than I wanted to remain emotionally stunted.

earthmamma, I wanted to thank you so much for posting this, and to tell you that these words made such an impression on me that they came to me today, 13 days later, when I really needed them. I am working so hard in T to grow up, but my dependence schema tells me I can't manage alone in this big bad world, and I compulsively seek care. Your words remind me of my long term goal, and how much I want it, when my urges in the moment don't match.

Minnie, I'm so glad my words helped you. You will get there. We just have to wade in the mud for a while first.