[pbutton]

I just read this in another thread & thought maybe I needed to not hijack.

I become MORTIFIED anytime I feel I may have asked or done something inappropriate. I go out of my way to avoid it. What causes that type of reaction??

[critterlady]

I wish I knew. I think I fear rejection more than almost anything.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the kind of attachments we had when we were little?

[stopdog]

1. Perhaps a sense of shame.
2. Perhaps the idea one was too stupid to know: not to ask, how to do it/get it/ etc ones own self or that one did not deserve it in the first place and should have known they did not.

Just a couple of thoughts. I try not to put myself in in positions of asking or needing to ask either.

[Emptty]

If I asked my T that I think he'd try to say it has to do with the way my parents raised me but personally I think most people simply do not want to be embarrassed or looked at as an idiot.

I feel stupid when I'm told 'no' because for me, no = you did something wrong. Doing the wrong thing always brings on embarrassment.

Weird.. I never thought about this before.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Wish I knew. If you figure it out, let me know. I am terrified of "screwing up," and go out of my way to avoid doing anything improper or wrong or that might even give a hint that I'm somehow messed up on something.

[Miswimmy1]

Hi- I think it may hav to do with our experiences. If we hav gotten bad reactions, we become fearful of that rebuff. I also think it is a primal thing- by getting out there, we are showing vulnerability. and when you are in that position, it is really hard to be exposed, and even more so to be exposed and then be rebuked by being told "no".

I don't know, but I have an issue with it too. The risk of being/feeling rebuffed/rejected with a 'no' means I generally don't ask for anything - especially if it means showing vulnerability.

[unaluna]

I think we're talking about what is called a "narcissistic injury". it makes you feel small, kind of humiliated? I think it's worse if you don't have a strong sense of self, or self-worth, or self-esteem to begin with. Like, people join fraternities and put up with rejection and hazing, for the chance to NOT have that feeling for the rest of their campus life? or so they think.
ETA: for me, being called in by the boss put me into instant "being yelled at by my mother" mode. even if I was getting a raise or something good, or benign. total instant transference.
But I NEVER mind asking a stupid question, cos I know i'm a genius.

[2or3things]

For me it's about all the kinds of things everyone's already said above. I'm terrified of making mistakes and looking bad and being vulnerable and doing something that's inappropriate--socially or otherwise--etc.

But for me what I think it all boils down to is the idea that asking and being denied something suggests that I don't know my "place" or my worth or something. If I ask for something and am denied it, it's because I don't deserve it...who am I to even ask, much less expect. How could I ever think I might matter that much to someone? It's like being told "No" is confirmation that I'm as awful as I think I am. Ugh.

Not that's reality. But it's definitely perception on my part.

[wotchermuggle]

I fear getting a "no" too....and I've been in therapy for several years.

[CantExplain]

"No" is a rejection. And many of us here are very sensitive to rejection.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

But for me what I think it all boils down to is the idea that asking and being denied something suggests that I don't know my "place" or my worth or something. If I ask for something and am denied it, it's because I don't deserve it...who am I to even ask, much less expect. How could I ever think I might matter that much to someone? It's like being told "No" is confirmation that I'm as awful as I think I am. Ugh.

Not that's reality. But it's definitely perception on my part.

This. This is where my brain goes when I'm told no. Thank you for putting it in to words!

[Silent_tsol]

I avoid a lot of questions where I could end up with a no as well.
I know that I have very high standards for myself, and somewhere in there is listed that I'm not to get things wrong. So if I get a no on something then I failed to live up to those standards. I failed to read the situation, person properly, I failed to understand the topic, etc.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Silent_tsol

I failed to read the situation, person properly, I failed to understand the topic, etc.

Aha!! Thank you for this.

[unaluna]

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narci...ssistic_injury

more on the rage end than the injury end.

[Nicks_Nose]

I am the same way, silent. But, mine shows as Avoidant Personality DIsorder. I avoid situations that would enable people to reject me. I have anxiety around situations where i have to face possible rejection or judgment like interviews, exams, etc. If I screw up or forget a small chore at work and my supervisor brings it up to me...I crash on myself for it. I feel extremely stupid, regardless if it was too darn busy to accomplish everything she wanted me to. Regardless if we were short staffed and half my work time had to be put into another person's job as well as my own. I should have been able to do everything AND the extra work load.

My own expectations are very high also.

[WikidPissah]

I am not afraid of being told no, I handle no quite well. I am petrified of being criticized or judged by others. I live in a constant fear that I will say or do the wrong thing or hurt someone's feelings.

[pbutton]

For me it's like I don't want to push myself or my needs upon someone else. I don't want to have misinterpreted and thought someone was more interested than they really were. I don't want to have misunderstood and made them uncomfortable by being needy or clingy.

Originally Posted by pbutton

For me it's like I don't want to push myself or my needs upon someone else. I don't want to have misinterpreted and thought someone was more interested than they really were. I don't want to have misunderstood and made them uncomfortable by being needy or clingy.

This is kind of my problem right now. I feel like I've foisted myself on my poor T...

[wotchermuggle]

I think it is truly amazing that we all feel this same sense of shame and concern. I have no idea how people live a different life than what everyone has been discussing.

[autotelica]

I don't ever ask for stuff. I mean, I might ask "beg your pardon?" and that kind of thing. But I don't ask for favors or if I can impose.

Shame has nothing to do with it. At least, I don't think it does.

i feel the same way. i wonder why too. i'm a little nervous about t tomorrow cuz i texted her last week when i never had before and didn't get an answer so i am nervously anticipating a lecture about boundaries. eek. i don't want her to be mad at me.

[CantExplain]

In England, and in similar societies, it is just as embarrassing to say "no" as it is to hear it. So it is "bad manners" to ask for something the other person might not want to give. Children are raised not to ask for things at all.

Originally Posted by artemis-within

i feel the same way. i wonder why too. i'm a little nervous about t tomorrow cuz i texted her last week when i never had before and didn't get an answer so i am nervously anticipating a lecture about boundaries. eek. i don't want her to be mad at me.

When it comes to T, if I've done something and I think he's upset , I email him before session to find out if he's gonna yell at me or if he's upset with me. If he ever said yes, I think I would cancel wnd i think he knows that. I make him promise not to yell at me. The email comes from me, but its really from the small child who just feels "wrong" inside. .

Originally Posted by CantExplain

In England, and in similar societies, it is just as embarrassing to say "no" as it is to hear it. So it is "bad manners" to ask for something the other person might not want to give. Children are raised not to ask for things at all.

I imagine that makes therapy extra hard when it comes to recognizing your needs.