I don't have DID...I don't do "parts" or anything like that in therapy but....
I despise her. The part of me who is needy and vulnerable ... the part of me who gets her feelings hurt... who cares what others think about her... who wants emotional support from others... who puts too much emphasis on the past... who wants things from people that they are just not capable of...

I'm a wife, mother and a full time working professional who has been able to function quite well without needing all of those things. I've never needed anything from anyone. I can see and meet others needs quite well. I can be what others need me to be. I'm so good I can almost forsee the needs of others before they do.

So I have a few weeks of "uncontrolled" (my term...which for me meant I felt emotions like anger and sadness) emotion and I went to see a therapist. Now 18 months later...instead of getting these emotions under control and getting back to the fuctioning person I used to be...the only result has been that the part of me I despise is around more and more and she is taking up more space and time in my brain than I can deal with...
she needs to disappear...

Anyone else ever feel this way? Does therapy always "help" or does it just make things worse? Is this just an "inbetween" feeling of therapy? Will I ever get back to feeling like the person I once was?

[CantExplain]

The therapeutic way is not to get your "parts" under control, but to love them.

That takes time, of course.

[notz]

An expression I like...once a pickle, never a cucumber again.

[Miswimmy1]

hi- you say you hav been in therapy 18 months? And with no benifit? I would think about changing therapists. It could just be that you and your therapist are no a great match. Dif personalities mean dif working relationship... also it takes two for therapy to work. Hav you talked to your therapist about your feelings and your longterm goals? Maybe there was a bit of miscommication... best of luck to you... :/

[SoupDragon]

I could have written most of your post myself, single mum, professional, good functioning on the outside, good at reading others and meeting their needs, but when it comes to "me" I don't have a clue.

Early on with my T the younger "me" was mentioned (by T) - I have a strong loathing for her and in my head could easily destroy her - since then realise I have a lot of negative emotions towards her, including feeling threatened by her (too long to post) - so I really get that feeling of despising her.

She has been off limits to talk about, but recently on my retreat I did some meditation and made myself think of her and to try and feel kindness and compassion to her - she was / is afterall only a child.

I suddenly became very emotional and did for a few seconds experience some warmth towards her. Since then I am back to wanting to push her well away from me, but I guess my experience at least raised the possibility in my head that I can have a different relationship with her.

I think in order to resolve that "self hatred" then it has to get worse for a while with T - for me it is hard to look at her and of course I am going to therefore have some negative emotions. But I hope in time that I can slowly make friends with her with T's guidance and then I hope that my life will start to feel more stable.

You may want her to disappear, but maybe it is significant that she is taking up more space in your head right now. I believe that things come to us when it is time and we are ready to look at them - it might not be easy, but maybe this is going to be a significant time for you.

Soup

[mixedup_emotions]

Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

I can relate to despising ALL of those parts of me as well....AND I survived quite well without those parts of me for most of my life....AND those parts became more evident when I began therapy, which causes me to hate those parts even more and want them to GO AWAY.

I can SOOOO relate. I am struggling with this one as well....and sometimes, I'm able to put those parts away again....but am wondering if that's the healthy thing to do. I wish I had the answers....

Therapy makes us aware. We are already despising those areas of our life. Without awareness though we can project them and exPereince the world around us as horrible and not fully enjoy our life. Better to have awareness so we can heal rather then project.

[WikidPissah]

Hey Ready. I am glad you stuck around.

I hate that sniveling needy little shite inside of me too.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Hey Ready. I am glad you stuck around.

I hate that sniveling needy little shite inside of me too.

Me too. I am always telling that part of me to butch up.

And yes, I do think I am worse from therapy.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

And yes, I do think I am worse from therapy.

I know, right? Why does T make it worse?

[Simina]

I can relate so much to it. I've felt the same thing and didn't know what was it but now that you've put it in words I understand. The therapy just reveals that side of ourselves because in the end that's what therapy is all about, you don't go there to discuss literature or math problems (although if you love your T a lot, you feel you could ask anything even math questions ) . And then when therapy ends you just wished you got back yourself together again, your previous self and discover it's quite hard to do it. In this respect I think the end, the last sessions are very important. Sometimes therapy is like a surgery, you open the body in order to reach to the wound and heal it but after treating and curing it you have to stitch it back well, otherwise can be dangerous. Before you leave therapy you should make sure you feel good enough, together enough, with all the wounds, be it completely or partially cured, closed. Otherwise you'll feel the need to talk to the T again and again, the door will be closed and you'll find yourself in turmoil. Learned it through my own experience

[pachyderm]

'Despise' is a word that reveals strong feelings. Conflicted feelings -- desire for connection and desire not to have anything to do with that person. Worth thinking about why the feelings are so strong?

I can relate. I'm convinced some T's do a mighty fine job of driving their clients crazy!

[Simina]

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

I can relate. I'm convinced some T's do a mighty fine job of driving their clients crazy!

Wish there was a 'like' button here ! Yes, sometimes the T relationship can spiral out of control, even if the T only wants to help...

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Simina

Wish there was a 'like' button here ! Yes, sometimes the T relationship can spiral out of control, even if the T only wants to help...

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Hey Ready. I am glad you stuck around.

I hate that sniveling needy little shite inside of me too.

Readystop your post is EXACTLY how I feel.....down to being an expert at meeting others needs and knowing their needs before they do.

Same here Wiki and Stop, I refer to her as little me and most of the time I can contain her and pacify her but occasionally she gets out of hand. T says that's the true me... great, just ****ing great. Fake me has done and continues to do, a pretty good job running the show...then BAM... true me comes outta nowhere? WTH?

We are talking about needs and what mine are and how to have them met in therapy. so you can add NEEDS to the word BOUNDARIES as the most hated 2 words in the english language for me.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

The therapeutic way is not to get your "parts" under control, but to love them.

That takes time, of course.

That seems like a very foreign concept right now.

Originally Posted by notz

An expression I like...once a pickle, never a cucumber again.

I think this should be explained to you before you start therapy. I understood how to be a cucumber... I don't get how to be a pickle.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I could have written most of your post myself, single mum, professional, good functioning on the outside, good at reading others and meeting their needs, but when it comes to "me" I don't have a clue.

Early on with my T the younger "me" was mentioned (by T) - I have a strong loathing for her and in my head could easily destroy her - since then realise I have a lot of negative emotions towards her, including feeling threatened by her (too long to post) - so I really get that feeling of despising her.

She has been off limits to talk about, but recently on my retreat I did some meditation and made myself think of her and to try and feel kindness and compassion to her - she was / is afterall only a child.

I suddenly became very emotional and did for a few seconds experience some warmth towards her. Since then I am back to wanting to push her well away from me, but I guess my experience at least raised the possibility in my head that I can have a different relationship with her.

I think in order to resolve that "self hatred" then it has to get worse for a while with T - for me it is hard to look at her and of course I am going to therefore have some negative emotions. But I hope in time that I can slowly make friends with her with T's guidance and then I hope that my life will start to feel more stable.

You may want her to disappear, but maybe it is significant that she is taking up more space in your head right now. I believe that things come to us when it is time and we are ready to look at them - it might not be easy, but maybe this is going to be a significant time for you.

Soup

Thanks so much Soup for sharing. I never thought of the part of me that I despise as being the younger me...but thinking of it that way does make some sense. It doesn't make me any happier about the situation though.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

I can relate to despising ALL of those parts of me as well....AND I survived quite well without those parts of me for most of my life....AND those parts became more evident when I began therapy, which causes me to hate those parts even more and want them to GO AWAY.

I can SOOOO relate. I am struggling with this one as well....and sometimes, I'm able to put those parts away again....but am wondering if that's the healthy thing to do. I wish I had the answers....

I struggle with that too. I thought I was normal and healthy before therapy. So now with all of these new feelings and emotional needs and junk... It seems so abnormal and when I put those parts away and revert to my pretherapy behavior....it feels so normal...but is it healthy?

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Therapy makes us aware. We are already despising those areas of our life. Without awareness though we can project them and exPereince the world around us as horrible and not fully enjoy our life. Better to have awareness so we can heal rather then project.

Very thought provoking because I have learned since being in therapy that I do project alot.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Hey Ready. I am glad you stuck around.

I hate that sniveling needy little shite inside of me too.

I took a week off from PC and I have 2 weeks off from therapy...not sure how it all will work out.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Me too. I am always telling that part of me to butch up.

And yes, I do think I am worse from therapy.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I know, right? Why does T make it worse?

Are we worse from therapy or just different? Thinking back to the earlier reply...once a pickle never a cucumber again...

Originally Posted by pachyderm

'Despise' is a word that reveals strong feelings. Conflicted feelings -- desire for connection and desire not to have anything to do with that person. Worth thinking about why the feelings are so strong?

I actually was going to say "I hate her" but my mother would never let me say I "hate" anyone so I changed it to despise. Is despise a stronger feeling than hate?

Originally Posted by stopdog

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Stopdog thanks, you brought a smile to my face. I can just hear my grandmother saying this...

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Same here Wiki and Stop, I refer to her as little me and most of the time I can contain her and pacify her but occasionally she gets out of hand. T says that's the true me... great, just ****ing great. Fake me has done and continues to do, a pretty good job running the show...then BAM... true me comes outta nowhere? WTH?

This scares the hell out of me...

[stopdog]

Are we worse from therapy or just different?

Sometimes different is worse. Also I think it worse if the reasons I went to see a therapist become more frequent, intensify, become less managable, etc.

Thanks everyone. I just never thought of this "part" of me that I don't like as being the "younger me" or my "true self". I actually thought I was the only person who felt this way. I sent this in an email to my T...(I usually do this when I know I will chicken out about talking about something unless I send an email and he brings up stuff in the email.)

T,

For discussion if I ever decide to comeback and really talk about something
important:

I hate her. The person inside me. I do everything I can to get her to
disappear. I try not to acknowledge her, I try to just be what everyone
needs me to be... I just want her to go away forever and take all the bad
crap with her...

If I comeback maybe i could talk about this...right now my emotional side
has quit therapy... I'm trying not to let the logical side give in to it...

Readytostop

I don't know if I can explain all of this to T in a way that he will understand. I barely understand it...

Originally Posted by stopdog

Sometimes different is worse. Also I think it worse if the reasons I went to see a therapist intensify in their frequency, intensity, etc.

I totally understand... in my positive moments I try to say things like "its darkest before the dawning" or "it gets worse before it gets better"...blah blah blah...

[stopdog]

I think the email sounds quite useful. Good luck with the struggle.

[KazzaX]

I can sooo relate to this post and all the replies. When I started with this T we got into the "inner child" thing. Now I know I have this parasite inside me and its.... a KID! I haaaate kids! Now I have one stuck in my head? OMG.

It really sucks how I am am supposed to make friends with the parasite and make it feel all warm and fuzzy. I cannot stand kids. Idc if its actually me, i still cant stand it, lol. its a kid. They make no sense, drive me up the wall and make me insane. No wonder I'm mental.. I have a KID IN MY HEAD!!!

Although i don't really believe it. It seems a bit far fetched. It's all well and good to blame an imaginary entity in your head for all your problems but there comes a time where you have to step up and take responsibility and ownership of your problems. Blaming it on some imaginary person is kinda lame (and borderline schizophrenic!).

[~EnlightenMe~]

I so hear what you are saying. For me, things have gotten worse. I don't think it has to be that way, though. I wish you the best of luck!

[mixedup_emotions]

Your message to T sounds quite clear to me....and I'd imagine that it's something your T has experience with, as so many of us can relate to it.

I hope you get the support you need to work through this with your T.