Why is being told no so embarrassing?

Silent_tsol · Aug 20, 2012, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicks_Nose

I am the same way, silent. But, mine shows as Avoidant Personality DIsorder. I avoid situations that would enable people to reject me. I have anxiety around situations where i have to face possible rejection or judgment like interviews, exams, etc. If I screw up or forget a small chore at work and my supervisor brings it up to me...I crash on myself for it. I feel extremely stupid, regardless if it was too darn busy to accomplish everything she wanted me to. Regardless if we were short staffed and half my work time had to be put into another person's job as well as my own. I should have been able to do everything AND the extra work load.

My own expectations are very high also.

Oooo when I get called about something at work. Yikes. For the next um, forever I have to make sure I never every do it wrong again. Such a horrible feeling. Even on a review where they give you something to improve on

Quote:

Originally Posted by autotelica

I don't ever ask for stuff. I mean, I might ask "beg your pardon?" and that kind of thing. But I don't ask for favors or if I can impose.

Shame has nothing to do with it. At least, I don't think it does.

I don't ask for things either when I can avoid it. I like self sufficient

Shishkeberry · Aug 20, 2012, 08:52 PM

I can't quote on my phone but some of you have hit exactly how I feel. I didn't have the right to ask in the first place, how dare I get too big for my britches, thinking that I deserve anything. I'm doing it right now by saving up money to get cna training from a school instead of calling the local nursing homes to see if they offer free training. I know that some do, but I only feel entitled to things that I pay for/clearly earn.

unaluna · Aug 20, 2012, 09:13 PM

Ah-HAH! is this the same bunch of people that encouraged granite to ask her T to change her day from monday to wednesday? so you won't ask for yourself, but you'll push somebody else to ask? wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! btw, it "only" took me 3 years to ask for a change in appointment time, my picture is in wikipedia under wimpy

5 years ago, I wouldn't even ask T for a glass of water, or ACCEPT his offer of one. Now I yell at him if the glass is dirty.

Aug 20, 2012, 09:23 PM

I can only speak for me Hankster, but i was commenting on how it feels bad when i hear no, not if I am willing to risk asking... 2 different things. I'll ask, but if he gets mad or upset ill cower like an abused puppy and cancel my next appointment.

pbutton · Aug 20, 2012, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shishkeberry

II only feel entitled to things that I pay for/clearly earn.

Oooh, I am very adamant about paying my own way in everything. T gave me a free session & I didn't like it, it really threw me off.

pbutton · Aug 20, 2012, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Ah-HAH! is this the same bunch of people that encouraged granite to ask her T to change her day from monday to wednesday? so you won't ask for yourself, but you'll push somebody else to ask? wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

Guilty. But in my mind it makes perfect sense for granite to ask. Somehow I am just supposed to be strong enough to handle .. whatever.. without needing to ask for anything.

Aug 20, 2012, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pbutton

Somehow I am just supposed to be strong enough to handle .. whatever.. without needing to ask for anything.

So your harder on yourself then you are on others. Can cut others some slack but none for you?

stopdog · Aug 20, 2012, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pbutton

Oooh, I am very adamant about paying my own way in everything. T gave me a free session & I didn't like it, it really threw me off.

Yes - I hate the idea of favors from the therapist. Then I would be beholden. OR worse, have to be grateful and if I did not agree with her etc (which I so rarely do) - I would be ungrateful or unworthy or just dead wrong.

unaluna · Aug 20, 2012, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes - I hate the idea of favors from the therapist. Then I would be beholden. OR worse, have to be grateful and if I did not agree with her etc (which I so rarely do) - I would be ungrateful or unworthy or just dead wrong.

and I am tempted to say, no, that's our mom that would kill us, not T. little bit of transference going on. T MIGHT actually be safe to be beholden to, unlike FOO.

stopdog · Aug 20, 2012, 10:15 PM

No one is safe to be beholden to. Therapists are just at the top of the list.

Towanda · Aug 20, 2012, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

But I NEVER mind asking a stupid question, cos I know i'm a genius.

Love it, Hankster...my feelings exactly

CantExplain · Aug 20, 2012, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

When it comes to T, if I've done something and I think he's upset , I email him before session to find out if he's gonna yell at me or if he's upset with me. If he ever said yes, I think I would cancel wnd i think he knows that. I make him promise not to yell at me. The email comes from me, but its really from the small child who just feels "wrong" inside.

.

I once asked my T, "promise not to laugh." She said she'd try not to. And she didn't.

unaluna · Aug 21, 2012, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Towanda

Love it, Hankster... my feelings exactly

yeah, better than feeling dumb, ain't it?

probably both are delusions, so choose your poison? except I really do think i'm a genius - I love delusions!

pbutton · Aug 21, 2012, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah, better than feeling dumb, ain't it?

probably both are delusions, so choose your poison? except I really do think i'm a genius - I love delusions!

Oh, this is so me.

Ask me to tell you about someone that I don't like and I will invariably tell you s/he is stupid. It's the worst thing I can imagine.

Aug 21, 2012, 11:58 AM

Yes I agree with Hankster. It is a narcissistic injury. But in my case my step mother didn't handle being told no well either. I think I internerlised her shame too. Or perhaPs I carry her projections. Funny T never has said no, she's always given an understanding smile and given me another option.

sittingatwatersedge · Aug 21, 2012, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I make him promise not to yell at me. .

he does promise that?! wow

unaluna · Aug 21, 2012, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthmamma

But in my case my step mother didn't handle being told no well either. I think I internerlised her shame too. Or perhaPs I carry her projections.

that's what being the family scapegoat is about, they can't handle their uncomfortable feelings so they dump them on the smart one in the family, take us down a peg, it's no accident. Cinderella, wipe my shoes! or whatever. And being younger and less experienced in life, of course we buy into it. Until someone else shows us that there ARE other options besides just the two. That win-win is possible.

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Why is being told no so embarrassing?

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