[skycastle]

My mind is taken over with so many obsessive thoughts about therapy and psychology and theories and definitions and practices. In all of that, I think I have lost myself.

Am I even a person anymore?
Have I lost my freedom to think for myself, to define myself?

Why am I so obsessed with these people, these therapists, who know so very little of myself and my life? Why do I invest so much in them?

I spend every waking moment thinking about these things I have read in books or websites or forums about psychotherapy, or thinking about interactions I've had in psychotherapy. I think I've ruined myself. I don't know how to cut myself free.

I wonder if I would heal faster if I just cut myself free of the whole thing and found an entirely new and different life somehow. Maybe I need to move to a tropical island and build my own house by hand I just wish the thoughts would stop. I don't want to spend my every moment in my week planning and thinking about the 1 hour I have in the therapy room. I want to spend my 1 hour in the therapy room planning and thinking about all that I want to invest in during my week.

Just some thoughts.

[Miswimmy1]

If u are currently in therapy, i think it is normal to want to be as knowledgable as u can about it. Although, if your "resaerchng" is getting in the way of daily functioning, u may be obsessing a little too much. Try turning off the Internet for a while

[stopdog]

There, there.

I hear ya. T always tells me to do my session do my life. As if its that simple.

I can relate , I tend to over analyze everything, from every angle. It's a defense mechanism , I need to be prepared... I am easily obsessed and therapy has been no different. I'm sorry, try to have a T free weekend, nothing relate to therapy, no books, no movies, no in my head thinking...including this website, sometimes I find that helpful. To just take a break.

[adel34]

Hi Skycastle,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I love researching psychology and therapy stuff, and thinking about it and everything. I don't feel like I've lost myself though. I feel like knowledge is enhanceing my life.
Have you told your t about this? Particularly the last statement about how you feel you're using your whole week to think about your one hour with them, and you want it to be the other way around? That you feel you've lost yourself? It sounds weird but maybe the best way to handle this is with your therapist! At least they might have some ideas/suggestions. It could be a goal maybe, to spend less time focusing on therapy/psychology during your week and more time on other things.
Please keep us updated and I hope this is helpful.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Now I don't read any books about theory's or therapy etc. I just get on with living. But I needed to do those things to get a life I want to live.

[growlycat]

Ah, picking up and starting all over somewhere far away. No worries, it doesn't work. Stuff still follows you (don't I know it!)

Diving deep into therapy shows commitment !! You are doing it right.

[skycastle]

Thanks everybody! I like this idea of trying to have a "T-free" weekend or week. Maybe if I just decide on some finite amount of time to refocus myself that will be good enough for now. Maybe I'll start today I think I'm harding a hard time partially because I've had too much time by myself recently and also partially because I'm realizing just how much I wasted on 3+ years of sessions with T1. It's hard to think of going through it all over again with T2 when I just want to be DONE.

[Perna]

Make sure you are not using the "about therapy" stuff to keep away from what you should be working on? It is easier for me to get distracted by the outside stuff and other people, books, etc. so I don't have to face my more painful, difficult inside stuff.

[ECHOES]

I don't think it is too much. I did the same thing for several years, reading everything I could. I still like to read psychology, but I don't feel the intense need to read it.

As my T said to me, therapy is not easy to do, or to understand in the way we can fully understand other things. Reading about it can be a way to show a desire to understand it, to figure it out (and it seems that figuring it out would naturally lead to figuring us out), to resolve the tension that the mystery about it creates. It makes sense we want those things.

Reading helped me understand myself, helped me see things to talk about in therapy when I wasn't sure what to talk about, or I was worried that some things were more worthy of talking about than others and that I would talk about things that are not important and been seen as shallow or boring or stupid. (I still struggle with this)
Along the same lines, reading also helped me see what was considered psychologically healthy (and not) and how development and attachment work and why attachment is important.

But there did come a time when I stopped reading much psychology. I stopped trying to censor what I talked about in therapy, and if my life was boring and shallow and stupid, if my immature reactions and thoughts and fantasies were exposed, well then therapy was the place to figure out how to get where I want to be, a place to learn about everything. I also still struggle with my life vs. my therapist's life - her accomplishments, lifestyle, family relationships; what I know is real and what I fantasize about. (I tell her when I'm struggling with talking about something because I am comparing it mentally to her "perfect life". We laugh and go on.)

It could be interesting for you to take a break from the reading for a few months and see what happens..

Originally Posted by skycastle

My mind is taken over with so many obsessive thoughts about therapy and psychology and theories and definitions and practices. In all of that, I think I have lost myself.

Am I even a person anymore?
Have I lost my freedom to think for myself, to define myself?

Why am I so obsessed with these people, these therapists, who know so very little of myself and my life? Why do I invest so much in them?

I spend every waking moment thinking about these things I have read in books or websites or forums about psychotherapy, or thinking about interactions I've had in psychotherapy. I think I've ruined myself. I don't know how to cut myself free.

I wonder if I would heal faster if I just cut myself free of the whole thing and found an entirely new and different life somehow. Maybe I need to move to a tropical island and build my own house by hand I just wish the thoughts would stop. I don't want to spend my every moment in my week planning and thinking about the 1 hour I have in the therapy room. I want to spend my 1 hour in the therapy room planning and thinking about all that I want to invest in during my week.

Just some thoughts.

lol, put all that knowledge to good use and major in psychology! You'll be at the top in your program!

Ok, I said that as a joke, but in all seriousness that is what I did- I wanted to know so much that I did enroll in a Psych BA (and finished it) and am looking to move on to my Masters or Psy.D. If you are able to redirect your thoughts in this way, too, you might surprise yourself :-) If not, just try to do something physical- beach, gym, swim, etc... having a plan that involves my body and having fun usually helps me turn off thoughts about my therapist and my twice a week therapy hours.

[skycastle]

"having a plan that involves my body and having fun usually helps me turn off thoughts about my therapist and my twice a week therapy hours. " TentativeConnection >> I think that is DEFINITELY what I need more of. It's just so hard to figure out a plan like that without social support or the money to pay for a class or something. I try to go running but unfortunately I can't be busy running 24/7! I'd get injured!

ECHOES> I used to think I wanted to be a therapist, even growing up, but I think I realize now that I'd have a hard time carrying such difficult stories. I'm too self blaming and am not sure I'd be able to recover if I were unable to help a patient in the way s/he needed.

I think reading about all of this stuff is a distraction from painful feelings, yes, and I'm okay with being distracted from painful feelings -- I just wish I had DIFFERENT distractions from the ones I use.

I did lots of cleaning and some exercise this weekend. That kinda helped.

[ECHOES]

ECHOES> I used to think I wanted to be a therapist, even growing up, but I think I realize now that I'd have a hard time carrying such difficult stories. I'm too self blaming and am not sure I'd be able to recover if I were unable to help a patient in the way s/he needed.

I think these are things a therapist learns about and learns to do, during their education and training. Just like an astronaut doesn't know how to be an astronaut without education and training.

What if you chose not to distract from your feelings? Since you like to read (I know, another book, what can I say ), you might enjoy Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart". She imparts a lot of wisdom and her books are just nice to read

[skycastle]

Thanks, ECHOES. It's kinda fun to have a book recommendation. Maybe I can check it out from the library this week!

[KazzaX]

I have this same issue. Cant....stop....reading...about...my..therapy. This has ruined many therapy attempts. I've banned myself from doing it and only come to this site now. (although I am kinda cheating because I get similar info here, lol).

I get a feeling like I am searching for something (whilst reading about therapy) but I have no idea what I'm searching for, but I feel like if I found it I would know. Do you get the same thing?

[skycastle]

KazzaX, Yes!!! How did you get yourself to stop?? How did it ruin your therapy attempts?? Why do I have this problem?! lol

[skycastle]

I think I'm trying to erase myself.