things i said i want to take back

trigger for brief mention of suicide


have you ever said something to your T and not realize that it is a way bigger deal then you ever thought?

i have been stressed all week because of my MIL being here i got very little me time and my T is going on vacation so i saw her today and i am not going to see her again for 2 weeks. for some reason this caused me to be so angry.i have been going through so much the last few weeks that it seemed to me that my T was really holding me together. i think this made me want her to be around i think even scared she was going to be away, i hate that i feel this way .i got there and she was a bit late it made me more angry. i sat there angry and speechless. in my head i am screaming at myself. screaming about how i am sitting there digging myself a huge hole that was going to make me miserable. i told her i was angry and wanted to leave.she brought up the point that i may be angry at her vacation. i still was not wanting to talk .

she started asking me some about the story we have been talking about the last few weeks and for some reason this completely enraged me.i finely says that i don't want to talk about any of the characters in the story they were all horrible.she said a few more things and then started to ask about people in my family.i was answering simple questions and it was OK .we were talking about an uncle i didn't care much about. i said my brother was closer to them then i was.then she asked about my brother she has never asked about him.he committed suicide about 11 years ago. she said things must not have been to great for him to take his own life.i told her that i was the only horrible thing in his life that made him miserable. she said i like to place a lot of blame on myself.(she has no idea what i did to him) she asked if he was nice to me ?i said yes and the thought of him letting me out of my room in the mornings and i said this to her i internally freaked OOOPS. next thing i know she is asking me all serious like why is he needing to let you out of your room. why did i say this.god my head is screaming shut up. i just blurted out that he just stood on his chair and let me out thats all.she asked again why was he letting me out of my room? was i locked in there? i tried to take it back some by just saying that i use to sleep walk and the mother needed to lock me in and my brother would let me out in the morning.she said wait a minute you were in there all night not being able to get out even to go to the bathroom. i shrugged and shut up she looked to horrified.i was silent for what seemed like forever.she asked me why my Mouthe wasn't letting me out and i couldn't even remember why.i just said i don't know maybe she was at work or sleeping. I don't want her to be horrified.this was just a tiny window of my past . maybe she isn't right for me. she commented about it being a hook and eye lockHow did she know about that,she commented about the bathroom how did she know about that. this was just one sentence about my past and she is horrified.that kind of scares me.

why did i say this now? she asked me about my brother and this room stuff is huge to me and goes way deeper than my brother just letting me out.he cared for me when i was in my room.maybe it is because she is going on vacation that i said this to her.at first i thought maybe because i didn't want her to go.but i think it may be just because she wont be here that made me do it because it is safer now that she isn't here.i don't have to talk about it now.i don't have to go deeper.

on the way home it hit me like a ton of bricks what i had done,what i had said to her. i have wanted so badly to start letting her see what is was like for me growing up. i have never ever ever talked about this to anyone IRL ever not even my husband.it seemed like it was only one sentence but it was huge.it is a small window .it is one peek at the horribleness that is me and my past .i am scared to see her when she gets back .in fact i am terrified because i wonder if she will just let it go or want to talk about it more.i feel like i have started to open a door and it cant be closed.I'M scared but i have two weeks to figure out what it all means to me