[~EnlightenMe~]

I feel like a major idiot. I must be the biggest idiot known to man. I think that when a therapist brings up things that trigger the abandonment fear/attachment system, that they should have some kind of inkling as to what it does to the client. It makes me more clingy, it terrifies me like nothing I could ever explain. I feel like I need to apologize for this, so sorry that I'm such an inconvenience. So, therapist can trigger patients with this issue, and it's okay for them to walk away and let the patient stew in their own madness. Okay, I get it now. I guess it was all my fault for my termination, I was needy, dependent, I called too much, I according to my therapist didn't do the work, I was an all around clingy loser. I deserved what I got. I guess I'll change my mind - I should have been able to control myself but clearly chose not to. Why? Because I guess that's who I am, someone who choses to be a nuisance. I hate myself so ****ing much I just want to scream. But it wouldn't matter, because if I have a voice, no one is listening. I should be avoided at all costs. I am going to ****ing bed so I can get up and start this ******** borderline rollercoaster again. I'm upset at the termination, okay, but know that I know it was my ****ing fault. I ****ing know this. I Hate MY LIFE and all of its ups and downs. I'm going to bed and hope I don't wake up. WHat a relief that would be to me, but I don't deserve that.
I ****ing hate myself so ****ing much. I so badly just want to escape.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm wondering what you're looking for by posting this. What kind of feedback are you needing? What are you gaining by berating yourself?

These are the kinds of questions that my T asks me when I go through bouts of judging myself, etc.

Have you checked out the BPD forum? I'm wondering if there are some links there or perhaps others who have experienced this type of pattern (situation aside) and have worked through it and came out on the other side.

[KazzaX]

I can relate to this a lot. My therapy each week consists of her triggering me off and the observing me when I get aggressive. Therapy sucks. ANd they dont even care about what happens after the appointment - its not their problem. There is something inherently wrong with this system.

[Sannah]

AMatter, why won't you let this go just a little? Do you think that you can't let it go just a little because it is wrapped up in how you feel about yourself?

There are therapists that know how to work with these issues. I'm sorry your one didn't.

Antimatter, you are turning your anger inwards. I understand being angry but at some point you are going to have to release this, as there is nothing you can do about it.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I feel like a major idiot. I must be the biggest idiot known to man. I think that when a therapist brings up things that trigger the abandonment fear/attachment system, that they should have some kind of inkling as to what it does to the client. It makes me more clingy, it terrifies me like nothing I could ever explain. I feel like I need to apologize for this, so sorry that I'm such an inconvenience. So, therapist can trigger patients with this issue, and it's okay for them to walk away and let the patient stew in their own madness. Okay, I get it now. I guess it was all my fault for my termination, I was needy, dependent, I called too much, I according to my therapist didn't do the work, I was an all around clingy loser. I deserved what I got. I guess I'll change my mind - I should have been able to control myself but clearly chose not to. Why? Because I guess that's who I am, someone who choses to be a nuisance. I hate myself so ****ing much I just want to scream. But it wouldn't matter, because if I have a voice, no one is listening. I should be avoided at all costs. I am going to ****ing bed so I can get up and start this ******** borderline rollercoaster again. I'm upset at the termination, okay, but know that I know it was my ****ing fault. I ****ing know this. I Hate MY LIFE and all of its ups and downs. I'm going to bed and hope I don't wake up. WHat a relief that would be to me, but I don't deserve that.
I ****ing hate myself so ****ing much. I so badly just want to escape.

I am in the same boat and feel just like you do. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.