[jenluv]

I just hit send and told T what I've known for a while but have been too afraid to say.

I have an ED. I have lost a lot of weight. I am seeing a dietitian and have my T. I was doing okay there for a while (a month or so) but have fallen back into old habits (ie, coping mechanisms).

I admitted to T that if he told me I was small enough and pretty enough then I would believe him. That I've been hoping and waiting for him to do that -- somehow. And that if he did say that I would know it was the truth because that's not something he's allowed to say. It goes way, way beyond just seeking his approval . . .

Oh boy -- tell me I did the right thing? Or whatever the truth is . . .

[Mike_J]

Being honest with your therapist is always a good thing (assuming you have a good therapist)

But you shouldn't base your view of yourself just on what your therapist says.. it's so hard to get what you know in your head to be believed in your heart...

You don't need his approval, you need approval from a much more difficult source to get, yourself...

But just for the record I think you are small enough and pretty enough.. more than just enough..

But what I think isn't important, it's what you think that counts.. your therapist needs to help you believe that you are just fine the way you are, much more than he needs to just tell you that..

I understand seeking the approval of T and IMO you did exactly the right thing. Honesty is what it will take to get better , honesty with others and ourselves. Very brave dear.

You are SO brave. I could never do that even though I would like the same thing from my therapist. What are you really hoping he says back?

[jenluv]

I don't know what I'm hoping he says back. I'm hoping there's a solution/resolution that is deeper and more healthy than what I seem to be seeking. I'm hoping that he can handle what I said. He has encouraged me to say the things I cannot say.

You guys may or may not remember but he wouldn't allow me to see him more often than once a week when I was in a pretty deep crisis last spring. During our last session, when we were scheduling, he asked when and how often would you like to come. I said, what?? And he repeated himself. I want to ask him, "what changed?" And I probably will.

But I just named most of the elephant in the room and will hopefully have the guts to spill more when I see him tomorrow. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm tired of being thin out of fear rather than self-love. I'm tired of not believing people when they say I'm attractive. I'm just tired of living in my own stupid reality.