I will not abandon you....

Sep 28, 2012, 05:20 PM

My t wrote this to me after i emailed and said I wanted to throw more things at her;

Fire away. I'm not abandoning you despite your resistance and hostility. I say that even knowing you might see it as a challenge to provoke me and test me. I'd like to support you even tho you try and throw it in the garbage.*

Be kind to *yourself.*

granite1 · Sep 28, 2012, 05:25 PM

that is an awsome responce but i bet scarey

Sep 28, 2012, 05:28 PM

Tentative, Your t is so cool, I love her

Sep 28, 2012, 05:53 PM

Does it make you want to fight harder?

Sep 28, 2012, 06:06 PM

Depends what you mean. Fight what? Fight my t? Fight for my therapy? Fight myself?

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Does it make you want to fight harder?

Sep 28, 2012, 06:10 PM

Fight her

Sep 28, 2012, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Fight her

No. I miss when I felt close to her and could talk to her.

I don't feel that way anymore. She feels like a stranger all over again. I know it's my fault for pushing her away.

Sep 28, 2012, 06:57 PM

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger, it seems like all the effort you have invested in pushing her away is for not. Next time you wanna push, read that email and try to reach out instead, you have a great T...cherish that.

Sep 28, 2012, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger, it seems like all the effort you have invested in pushing her away is for not. Next time you wanna push, read that email and try to reach out instead, you have a great T...cherish that.

I don't know how.

Sep 28, 2012, 08:06 PM

just do the opposite of what you wanna do....try that

CantExplain · Sep 28, 2012, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

just do the opposite of what you wanna do....try that

Sep 29, 2012, 12:00 AM

I wrote her this in response (I didn't mean to send it, I was just writing it to save but it was on my ipod and I accidentally hit the send button.)

Letter:
I provoke you all the the time, on purpose. But the only time you react is when I'm not intentionally provoking you. So what's the point of trying to provoke you? The ones I stumble into accidentally are the only ones that bother you anyway.

I liked it better before when I could imagine trusting you and it didn't seem as unlikely as pigs flying. But now imagining trusting you is something impossible and cold and awkward and it will never happen.

I don't know why. But I feel strongly the need to keep you away. To make you hate me.

You said before that our relationship/ the attachment -was- the thing we needed to work on in therapy, the most important thing. But on Wednesday you said it didn't matter if I liked you, it isn't necessary to conduct therapy and have it work.

I've had a lot of therapists I didn't particularly care for, and none of them ever helped me. We were just going through the motions.

I don't see the point of being afraid/suspicious of you and your motives and just going through the motions. Might as well quit.

It feels like every other therapy that didn't work and you have started to feel like any other therapist and I miss what it was before even when it was uncertain but it doesn't really matter anymore because whatever it was, it's gone now.

I don't deserve your support, besides. Give it to someone who does, who doesn't take up so much of your time outside of session.

CantExplain · Sep 29, 2012, 02:58 PM

((TC))

Sep 29, 2012, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((TC))

I think I am quitting therapy.

I can't do it anymore.

autotelica · Sep 29, 2012, 06:14 PM

It sounds like you are fluctuating between detached-not-detached. In other words, you're not feeling very strong emotions. Just bland or mildly unpleasant ones.

Am I right?

Like, maybe you enjoyed it better when you were feeling something, even if it was negative. Because the feelings stimulated your sense of self and made you think.

Being detached is an okay place to be, TC. Consider it a holding pattern of sorts. You can use the space between you to be cerebral and questioning. What do you want to change about yourself? Why are you in therapy? What would you like for your therapist to do to help you move forward? I know that you think the attachment is the therapy, but there is no rule that says it must be like this. You can still get something out of therapy feeling "blah" about your therapist and just let the feelings develop naturally, while you're distracted from them.

critterlady · Sep 29, 2012, 06:25 PM

Sometimes the attachment has nothing to do with liking a therapist. You can have a relationship with your T that helps you learn about your other relationships without necessarily liking her.

And sometimes, pushing someone away is a sign of attachment. If you weren't attached to her in any way, you wouldn't care enough to push her away.

Sep 29, 2012, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by autotelica

It sounds like you are fluctuating between detached-not-detached. In other words, you're not feeling very strong emotions. Just bland or mildly unpleasant ones.

Am I right?

Like, maybe you enjoyed it better when you were feeling something, even if it was negative. Because the feelings stimulated your sense of self and made you think.

Being detached is an okay place to be, TC. Consider it a holding pattern of sorts. You can use the space between you to be cerebral and questioning. What do you want to change about yourself? Why are you in therapy? What would you like for your therapist to do to help you move forward? I know that you think the attachment is the therapy, but there is no rule that says it must be like this. You can still get something out of therapy feeling "blah" about your therapist and just let the feelings develop naturally, while you're distracted from them.

No. Been vacillating between completely out of control wild emotions and (medicated) temporary calm. My mom was here for a few days so I had to try harder to be calm when un medicated, without hurting myself because she sneaks in when I sleep to check my arms like I'm 15 years old. I had to go sit in my car when it got bad so she wouldn't see or hear me.

Feeling connected to T was unsettling, but it felt good at the same time. Now I don't feel connected, just untethered, orbiting a place I can't reach anymore. In the beginning it just felt more intimate, but I think its because I was talking about a recent assault, and also T told me she had been abused by father/brother as a child and I assumed she meant sexually (like me) but I heard what, at the time, I wanted to hear (she was not sexually abused, just "terrorized" by a sibling" and her dad was mean.) I think a LOT of the "bond" I felt was due to my misunderstanding that she could understand how I felt bc she had been there and not bc she read about it or had been told.

I suspected later, when I stopped to think about it that I had misunderstood, so I e-mailed t confirm. She beat around the bush for awhile but ultimately confirmed it. So I bonded with her based on a misconception, and I think I'm upset that she KNEW I had misunderstood and did not correct me. For months. I feel a little betrayed bc there is a LOT I wold not have told her if I had known sooner.

I've been trying not to let go of the connection regardless of how it began, but it is slipping away anyway, and what felt like it could have been a special relationship now just feels like "whatever" like any other therapist and not anything special (I never attached to any previous therapists.).

So... I don't know.

Edit: As for letting feelings develop naturally, she says shes trying to give me space and patience to form an attachment to her, but that I am interpreting that as abandonment. (I'm not sure I agree)

But I think something that was there before is missing, and I am always on guard. Nothing is going to develop bc I was distracted from it. Before I could imagine she had opened a door in my wall and had a foot through. But now, there are no openings, no cracks, no way for her to get in again. She had a foothold and then decided I needed "space" so she stepped back and closed the door and I don't think its ever going to open again.

Sep 29, 2012, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by critterlady

If you weren't attached to her in any way, you wouldn't care enough to push her away.

I don't get attached to people I don't like. So if I find myself not likng my therapist- truly- I leave.

I do like my current, T, I liked her a lot or I would not have returned.

And yes, the attachment to her in the beginning scared me so I started pushing her away. And now I guess I just pushed too far because I do not feel connected or anchored to her in any way, any longer.

I feel like her last e-mail to me was a little angry/frustrated. Maybe its time to throw in the towel, so to speak.