Contact with Parents?

I kept in touch with my battered mother and violent dad, the whole time I was doing intense therapy regarding one or the other of them...or both!

My father died three years ago...Wow, am I glad that I made the (substantial) investment in therapy to deal with our relationship at various points in my life. I went to therapy in my 20s and 30s and while it was difficult to keep in touch AND do therapy, the payoff was enormous.

I have kept in touch with my mother as well, though the relationship was easier, and occupied much less of the therapy "dime."

Whew. Sometimes it blows my mind that I pulled this off (with help from great therapists) but I did. I know about healing and cruelty from the inside out.

Thanks Lola for sending this up.

I still live with them, so I answered full contact.

I really should only have limited, though. My therapist completely agrees with me, it isn't good for my well-being to live with them. My father is aggressive, verbally abusive and was physically abusive for a long time. My mom isn't quite as bad, but has her own major issues as well. I don't say this as an excuse, just a fact, that anxiety has gotten in the way of me getting out of here, but I am working on that.

It will be interesting to see how things change once I do get out of here. Right now they think I'm lazy and my anxiety/depression are just excuses. I hope we could have a better relationship if I am on my own.

If you'd asked me 12 years ago, I would have said no contact with either parent, which was the state for 10 years. My father had a very debilitating stroke 5 years ago and is no longer capable of being explosive and bullying, although he never was either to my mother and he had mostly ended his biggest dysfunctions after my siblings and I left the house.

My mother is warm, supportive, and loving. They visit us twice a year for about a week at a time. I can relate to them as people in the present and feel that I have mostly moved on from attempting to resolve my issues with them from my childhood. There was confrontation, there was silence, there were apologies, there was forgiveness, in that order. NOne of those things were perfect but appreciate the drama-free and largely decent relationship with them.

No contact with father, but I do keep up with his life and health through grandmother and sibling. He rejects me. Limited contact with mother. I only broke dependency with mother two and half years ago when I moved away. She was severely (untreated) BPD growing up lots of chaos and violence. Any contact still gives me panic and depression. I contacted for the first time in seven months last weekend and I am still feeling the effects of it. I did that because I was I feeling rejected by T and was desperate for some sort of support as I have no one really other than my T. She doesn't know how to be supportive and it is difficult to accept.

Limited contact with both parents. Partly because I live half a country away from them. I have spoken with them more in the last couple years though due to them being in therapy themselves.

This is such a difficult question, but such a good one. Thanks Lola.

I've answered "limited contact" for both of my parents. Like a lot of us, my family is chock full of dysfunction. I've recently begun to describe my FOO as a bunch of strangers generally in our own orbits. It was always a disaster when our paths crossed for whatever reason. My father has always felt like a stranger who happened to live in the same house, but I think part of that might be me protecting myself because of his abuse.

Anyway, today I have a partner and a child, but my FOO doesn't exactly accept my family, because I have a same-sex partner and adopted transracially. (The horror!) I keep up some contact because I want my daughter to have a sense of history/family, all the more important because she's adopted. However, I'd never let her out of my sight in their presence, and I don't trust them to not say something stupid or hateful, even if it wasn't intentional.

I think to whatever extent I still have contact, it's because I haven't resolved my longing for a decent mother. I know it's not going to happen with her, and I'd be extremely uncomfortable if my mom suddenly did a 180 and was decent. Still, I can't quite let it go, I guess.

Sorry for the novel. It's just so complicated and I often find myself in the throes of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, great topic for discussion!

I had limited or no contact with both of my parents for about 10 years... for portions of that time I enforced a 'no contact' rule. During that time I distanced from myself from them because dad was abusive and manipulative and my mom was in denial, and I was unable to maintain my boundaries when I was with them.
After years of therapy and living without them I was able to develop and strengthen myself enough to enforce boundaries with them. Now I have quite frequent contact with them (every few weeks or so) and it is mostly on my terms.
My feelings towards them are quite detached.

I put full contact. Technically, it's not--I try to limit my contact, but my parents don't know that. I decided a while ago that my mom was never going to let me discuss our family history with her (and the abuse she permitted to continue). Still, I get angry with her for it and since I can't express it to her, I sometimes need breaks from contact. We live nearby and although I know my family would prefer more contact, I have dinner about once a month and talk on the phone once a week or so.

What's funny is that my mom would definitely describe us as having a very close, intimate relationship. She really knows very little about the real me.

I'm one of the lucky ones. My parents did some pretty stupid stuff, but all in all, they're pretty rad.

I have full contact with both. We talk on face-book almost every day. I've accepted they both have mental illness and refuse treatment. Much to my husbands dismay I stay in contact. I want my son to know his grandparents and I would never cut contact with them. My mom has selective amnesia about our childhood and has videos of how perfect she was. When I visit it's still rough dealing with her mood swings.

Me and my dad had an awesome relationship when I was younger. As I became an adult he took it really hard that I was no longer "the son he never had" and I think guilt of our childhood got to him. We now talk all the time but it's superficial. I wish I could have our relationship back but it doesn't seem possible.

I don't see my mother she was physically and emotionally abusive when i was growing up. I did give her another chance when my lil one was a baby (my sister swore she'd changed and was on medication and had chilled out over the years i didnt see her) but she was still emotionally abusive so I gave up. Never again, I won't take my daughter to that toxic and abusive household.
My dad walked out on us when I was little got back in contact as a teenager and have always seen him one a week or once a fortnight since.

I have full contact with both since I still live with them. I really should have no contact with my dad since he is abusive but Im stuck with them at the moment.

I sense someone else speaking here. Who says you're perceived a lot of things incorrectly?

My brother sees my parents quite differently from me. And perhaps they did behave differently towards him.

My T has convinced me that my mother wasn't as black as I have painted her. But she did treat me badly and the good things she did don't make up for that.

I have full contact with my mother. My dad died 12 years ago, and I had limited to no contact with him in my adult life. They were both grossly negligent and abusive, dad was violently abusive and an alcoholic.

I speak with my mother several times a day, shes aged and I am her primary care giver. I can't cut contact, she needs support. She isn't dangerous now, and she was a good grandmother to my children. She won't be around much longer, and at her age it would be cruel for me to walk away.

ETA: I did forgive my father when he was on his death bed. I am glad that I had the opportunity to say that to him.

My mother passed over 20 yrs ago and I chose to cut ties with my father.
My t has never voiced her opinion which wouldn't matter to me if she did. She didn't live my life

I now have full contact with both parents. They had "disowned" me for a period of 3 years, but things are tentatively mended...(meaning I am still guarding myself...)

I have full contact with my mother; my father died last year. At one point in my life, I stopped contact with my mother, as it was too harmful and I had had enough. I guess I was finally learning to set boundaries. I did tell her under what circumstances contact could occur, so she understood what behaviors had to stop. This was very hard to do. I actually was in my 30s when I finally set boundaries. Now I am older and have full contact. I would even say we have a good relationship. One of my T's favorite areas of practice is helping adult children improve relations with their parents. So we have definitely worked on this in therapy. Very, very worthwhile.

I think my answer is limited but I am not sure, so I will just tell what the situation is.

My parents live out of state. I talk to my mom on the phone every couple of weeks. However, I do not talk to my dad on the phone. He won't pick up when I call. He knows I call on Sunday evenings, and he always lets it go to the answering machine, and then my mom calls me back later.

My parents visit about 2-3 times per year for 10 days each time (they stay with my sister). When they visit, my sister tries to take the entire time off from work and spends every day with them. I don't want to spend every day with them, so I usually see them every other day or every 3rd day.

When they are in town, i mainly spend time with my mom. My dad ignores me 90% of the time. He acts very distant and dismissive. Occasionally, we have very short conversations (usually no more than 2 or 3 sentences). Sometimes when he drinks too much, he will say negative things about me.