Trigger for discussion of sexual abuse.





Okay, was doing some research the other night and found a list of characteristics and/or symptoms of sexually abused children. It was disturbing to me how very many of those things listed applied to me. Of course, from my perspective, it is the grossest, weirdest, most horrifying things on the list that apply to me.

I already gave my T a print out of private messages from this forum of mine that discuss some of these things. As long as it's out there, and I already feel like ****, I am thinking about just emailing him the list with the ones that apply to me bolded. In some ways, it would be a relief to just have it over with (and in my head, if I do this then I'm basically DONE with therapy, right?). In other ways, I just think having him know this much at once might drive me over the edge into a self destructive spiral. Maybe. But probably not. I have survived way worse without totally losing it, right?

On the other hand, my T asked me to stop working on the Courage to Heal book. He said I was pushing too hard. I am too hard on myself and too intolerant of allowing myself to just take the time and space it takes to heal. So, I don't know whether to send it or not. If this me pushing too hard and being too intolerant of how long it is taking me to get well? Or is this me taking a huge step forward to just getting the shame out into the light of day and getting rid of it?

MKAC,

Maybe you could think of it as a two step process... 1st step you send it to him...2nd step you talk about it.. those two steps don't have to be done at the same time and there could be lots of time in between...

but with my xT and me there was this unsaid dynamic that I didn't really understand until someone posted a link to an article that was very helpful to me... I would tell or email my T something very shameful... he would respond okay at the time usually helping me not feel so bad about it..he would say we should talk more about it... before the next session I would have regret about telling... I would never speak of it again and he would follow my lead and never bring it up either.... and I would convince myself I was stupid for telling him and that apparently it wasnt really a big deal or he would have brought it up... I was just making it that way...being a drama queen...

All of that just to say...as long as you and your T have better communication and that he will help you talk about it or bring it back up at some time..or atleast ask you if you want to talk about it...then you don't have to give it to him and talk about it at the same time...

but if you are researching it then maybe you are ready to talk about it.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

but if you are researching it then maybe you are ready to talk about it.

I think it's really hard to find the line between pushing ourselves too hard and doing the (hard and sucky) work that we need to do to heal.

I agree with RTS though...I found that for me, if something was pushing at me (or is pushing at me) there was a reason. I think we do have an internal wisdom that guides us in the direction we need to go.

The first time I *hinted* at the worst part of my SA was a FULL YEAR before I actually talked about it. Literally, I hinted one August and talked about it the next August. Even though T "knew" during all of that time in the middle. I just wasn't ready.

So it doesn't have to happen all at once. It's okay to take a step without knowing for sure what the next step is going to be.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

(and in my head, if I do this then I'm basically DONE with therapy, right

Um, no.

I think I also do the thing where I push too hard, so I am not going to advise you on that part of your question. However, if you've already got the bolded list, you've already DONE the work. The personalized list now exists in your head. Might as well put it in his head too. It can't hurt.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Trigger for discussion of sexual abuse.





Okay, was doing some research the other night and found a list of characteristics and/or symptoms of sexually abused children. It was disturbing to me how very many of those things listed applied to me. Of course, from my perspective, it is the grossest, weirdest, most horrifying things on the list that apply to me.

I already gave my T a print out of private messages from this forum of mine that discuss some of these things. As long as it's out there, and I already feel like ****, I am thinking about just emailing him the list with the ones that apply to me bolded. In some ways, it would be a relief to just have it over with (and in my head, if I do this then I'm basically DONE with therapy, right?). In other ways, I just think having him know this much at once might drive me over the edge into a self destructive spiral. Maybe. But probably not. I have survived way worse without totally losing it, right?

On the other hand, my T asked me to stop working on the Courage to Heal book. He said I was pushing too hard. I am too hard on myself and too intolerant of allowing myself to just take the time and space it takes to heal. So, I don't know whether to send it or not. If this me pushing too hard and being too intolerant of how long it is taking me to get well? Or is this me taking a huge step forward to just getting the shame out into the light of day and getting rid of it?

My vote is huge step forward.

I say put it out there and talk about it as you feel comfortable....huge step forward and not done with therapy...more like the middle.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

(and in my head, if I do this then I'm basically DONE with therapy, right?)

Nice try.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

If this me pushing too hard and being too intolerant of how long it is taking me to get well? Or is this me taking a huge step forward to just getting the shame out into the light of day and getting rid of it?

That's a tough one... I am one who pushes too hard and so I may not be the best for advice. But I would say, if you are feeling a strong urge to do it, then it's a productive thing. From my perspective, it sounds like something you're feeling motivated to do, and maybe it'd be a good thing to ride the momentum from your giving him the list. For me, it'd be kind of like, may as well do it now before I decide I don't want to!

I don't think you should worry too much if it's your T's perspective you're taking about pushing too hard. I often know when I'm pushing too hard when I start punishing myself for not making the progress I think I should be making. In fact that might really be my only metric. Otherwise, pushing when I'm feeling motivated to just go the extra mile is often rewarding.

[Victoria'smom]

If this me pushing too hard and being too intolerant of how long it is taking me to get well? Or is this me taking a huge step forward to just getting the shame out into the light of day and getting rid of it?

This doesn't mean your done but it means your doing well. I always give my T to much info and letting her sort out when to go over it.