It's over.

If you go in on Wednesday, I do hope she helps you resolve some issues. BUT be prepared -- she might make things worse. I hate to say that. Best of luck to you. PM me if you need to, I've been through this.

See, I love her though. I didn't want to be going in on Wednesday with a list, like 'You suck, and here's why!' because that's not how I've felt about our relationship, at all... But just because I love her doesnt mean I have her on a pedestal. But, I love her. I'm actually devastated. When I started therapy I had no reason to believe she couldn't be all the things I needed - I didn't even know what I needed. I let myself get attached, I let myself trust, connect... I was just going along with it, trying to get as much from 'the process' as I could. I made the 'leap of faith'...

But when something isn't going well, or I'm struggling, it's always 'the process', 'stay with 'the process''... the further I've got in therapy the more I find myself wondering what the process even really is. Or if it's worth it.

I don't know if I can go through it again with another T. I'm kinda sick of telling my story. I bore myself. And how do I trust another one? Let myself get attached to another one? I'm going to have my guard right up. 'Look before you leap', and all that...

...

It seems clear that so much about this is unresolved....I'd encourage you to go on Wednesday and not make it your final session. The termination process doesn't have to be all in a single visit. It's important for you - and for T - to get the closure you need.

It doesn't have to be a T-bashing session either....It can be about your feelings and how you perceive her reactions...and how that makes you feel.....Call your T out on her behaviors, but in a way of trying to gain understanding rather than in an attacking way.

During my ruptures with T, we've followed them up with a real talk about what was going on for both of us...and it's been valuable.

As an aside - I, too, need reassurance. The last time I asked for reassurance, he flat out told me that he has reassured me time and time again, and that I need to internalize and trust what I already know - instead of continuing to ask for what I already know. It's difficult, though.

I agree

That's a huge amount to have gone through. I really do get it too. I know exactly what it's like to have just this one and only person, ever, that I love and trust. The end is the most terrifying thing of all and a bad ending would be like a worst nightmare come true.

I want you to be able to be heard and have this resolved in some way. Maybe the withdrawal and coldness you're sensing from her are because she's started being tougher, deciding that her own behaviour in the past hasn't actually helped you? Maybe she's frustrated with herself? It also seems that you've tried to understand what's been going on but that it hasn't been addressed. That makes it really hard.

I know recently when I was certain that it was the end and that there was no coming back, every minute of the day was hard and every day was so long. Hang in there! I know it must be so hard.

jsg... just a thought, could you move that appt to next Wednesday? Give yourself some more time to process your anger? by then you may know better what to do. and if you do go, it could be easier on you by then.

I wondered about moving my appointment or perhaps arranging an appointment at a later date, but another part of me just wanted to draw a line and say 'NO MORE!' I was so, so angry with her, that I wanted to throw the baby out with the bathwater - I felt like I'd tried everything and there'd be 'no point' going seeing her again, and I'd already decided it would be 'no use' and that she 'wouldn't hear me anyway'...

However. I have managed to calm down a tad. I actually think I might be ready to go and see her. Putting it off or leaving it unresolved will just feel worse, I think, prolong the torture. I need to know what's happening/what's going to happen.

I don't want to think I'm going just to say goodbye. I do have to question how much I'd continue to get out of therapy, though, if we carried on, and if she realistically sees ways to help me progress any further or not. That's a big part of the problem. If this was a regular argument I don't think I'd have wanted to just outright quit, however angry I got - it's the feeling that we could be at the end anyway and the feeling like she might just wants me to quit at this point because she's pissed off with me and frustrated with herself. I felt like cracks had started to show, and I wanted out before the roof completely collapsed, you know? But then I wonder if I inadvertantly caused a bit of a cave-in...

I feel like we have had SUCH a good relationship though, up to this point, that it seems such a shame to just throw it away... especially like this. I realise I want to hold on to the hope that we can have some more time. I don't want to lose her. She has meant so much to me for so long...

At the same time, though, I do feel like I'm going out on a bit of a limb. Again. If things go wrong or she takes a bad attitude about it, it's going to feel even worse, and I'll regret not leaving her hanging

I have about 23 hours to decide... at this point I'm swaying towards going. Reluctantly. I hate giving in.

Again, I'd like to thank everyone for the support and the input, it means a lot, and it's helped me process and feel less alone with it. I think posting here and getting feedback helps me see clearer and be more rational - less reactionary and '**** it all!'

I really admire your decision process, your thinking it through over a number of days, and with input from sympathetic, knowledgeable people. I think that you will make a good decision.

If you go, perhaps think beforehand about (a) ways to remind yourself to remain calm and professional even if she is not, and (b) what you will do afterwards to cope if things do get bad. Just in case, you know? But being prepared, having a plan to cope, is a "just in case" that can help you feel more calm and ready.

I admire you for the thought you're putting into your decision to go or not to go tomorrow. I think the relationship as you described it was close enough to justify talking it out some more. I don't know exactly what happened to change that but I think you will be worse off if you don't at least try to come to an understanding with your T.

My T has always been flexible with emails and then we changed it. Same with hugs and handholding. She has changed somewhat, and even brought up my quitting, though I brought it up first, so I can see how a great T-relationship can change. But if the basis is a strong connection, I think it could be worked out.

I wish you well!!!

Thank you for your kind words, and I think this is valuable advice I need to think about... just in case...

Did you see your T today? Thinking about you! How are you?

wondering also now that your Wednesday is there hope it went well if you did

Same here, hope it went well either way.

Yep, hoping it went well.

Hi, Girl. I had a therapist treat me similarly when my insurance stopped paying her. The professional thing would have been to refer me to a low income T instead. At the low income clinic, I keep getting different Ts as they graduate. My friend says some people come into our lives for a reason , a season or a lifetime. She says she doesn't remember where that came from, but I hold onto it. The work you did isn't canceled out. I know how difficult and painful it is to trust another, but it is worth it. For
whatever reason, you have outgrown your T and are ready for another, even if it doesn't feel that way. may angels surround you

Hope you are ok and session went well

Thank you all for thinking of me. I wanted to update, but I felt so overwhelmed with the whole thing last night, trying to process what went on, that I couldn't think straight to come and post.. I still don't really know what's happening.

Did it go well? Yes and no. Mostly no. It was awful. I drove there having a panic attack, and sat in the car being sick on her driveway... Then I spent some time lying on her bathroom floor and being sick in her toilet... Then I managed to calm down enough to sit down and talk to her - with my eyes closed, which she didn't put up with for very long, telling me off for shutting her out and not 'engaging' (was just trying to cope and not be sick)... And, hmm... She's pulling all of her boundaries way back tighter than they have ever been, but as of yet I still don't know why (well, I know why we need boundaries, I just don't know what the catalyst was for such a dramatic and sudden turnaround with no prior discussion)... I still felt like she kept trying to avoid real discussion by trying to distract me with other topics... I felt forced into being way more vulnerable than I was comfortable with in order to try and explain my feelings and reactions.... Somehow I ended up being the villain, and at one point she said she felt 'bullied' - I think when I was trying to get her to hear me and negotiate that she still allow me more time and email while we try and sort things out - she wanted to cut session time dramatically right there and then and cut me off... Erm... She didn't really take any responsibility for her behaviour or upsetting me, besides saying she made a mistake letting boundaries be so blurry from the start... I still don't know if she really knows where I'm coming from... I'm not totally sure if she's going to know what to do with me, or if/how long we can continue - but, it seems like we both still want to try, because we do seem to have *something* - a bond, a closeness, a caring... The whole session was just so brutal, though. SO brutal... The change in her seemed massive. I felt like I just got glimpses of 'her' here and there... I think the only thing that saved the session for me, perhaps the relationship, gave me any hope or positive feeling, is that she offered the hug at the end (about the only boundary to stay where it was) and held me really tight for a long time. I felt reassured that she's still in there, after all. The hug was real.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to live with the changes, or if we have the mileage left to make it worth it. I don't know if we can get past all the frustration. I don't know if we can get past the clashing and the butting of heads. I don't know if I need to get some other kind of help for my issues, or if we can take new approaches together...

I think if we do get through this, there will be more honesty and authenticity - there needs to be. Even though I thought we communicated quite well - and that I'd managed to become open with her - it seems that there have been things left unsaid, and a lot on her part too. Our relationship and bond is special to me and I'm hoping we can go forward, that we can withstand the challenges...

Not sure. I feel like there is still so much to discuss and negotiate and lay out on the table. And I really need to hear her side, her thoughts, and I also feel I need her to own her stuff. I feel like I owned mine. I feel like I need her to recognise and take some responsibility for causing me so much pain - because she did. I don't think she *meant* to, but she did. I still feel like I need her to really hear me and understand. Right now I'm feeling rather invalidated, on multiple counts. I feel like I've really had to try and step out of my own stuff, look at it, understand it, and see her point of view... I need her to do the same.

I think there are ways she's dropped the ball, I really do, but I know she can't be perfect and I know all what she HAS done for me. She's not a bad person and she's not a bad therapist... and I'm trying to tell myself it's not all because I must be a bad client... I'm really not sure how things got so messed up. It's like we need to refocus, regroup... and leave no stone left unturned!!

Thank you so much for letting us know. I really admire your courage, your tenacity, and your ability to think things through while under enormous stress.

I hope that you will continue to use PC to help organize and express your feelings and thoughts!

Been thinking of you lovely friend xx

JSG, can you still email at all? If so, I would consider sending her a copy of what you posted here. If not, maybe take it with you to the next session and let her read it? I found it very clear, articulate, and thoughtful.

I agree. Sometimes there's a clarity in reading what someone wrote that isn't there when you hear them speak, even if it's essentially the same words.

I'm sorry your session was so awful. I can tell you that for me, when my T last year suddenly readjusted some boundaries without telling me beforehand and without telling me why... when he finally explained where he was coming from, months later, it healed SO many wounds. Can you express this to her somehow, that you're not bullying her to change, but rather that when you have to come up with reasons on your own for why she would suddenly pull away from you, that you're probably going to get it wrong, and that most reasonable people, when they are being pulled away from, assume that something is WRONG, not that things are ok but changing.

Also, I have felt with my former T, right up until a couple days ago when I spoke to him again, that sometimes when he is being especially tough with me, he is actually talking to himself more than he is talking to me. Which is not a good thing, but at least it says something. It may be that she has realized she should tighten boundaries, and SHE doesn't want to do it but feels she has to, so she is harsh with you because in your distress, she sees her own. Does that make sense?

For instance, my former T has kept stressing that I "move on", while at the same time seeking out a consultation with an outside T. Which confused the crap out of me. Until I realized that he was telling me to "move on" because he thought I wanted him to start seeing me regularly again. Which I don't, and never said I did... as you know, I've been searching for a new T to generally help me out, but I'd like to see if the consult helps. Anyway this is a long story, but the point is, it became clear to me that what's probably happening is that HE would like to resume meeting regularly but knows it's a bad idea, and when he tells me to move on, move on, it's not me he's talking to. I've been interviewing new T's for a month.

It might really help you out to have her be a little bit more transparent. She doesn't have to tell you her life story, she just needs to be on the same page with you about what's good for both of you in therapy. None of this "I'm sorry for doing something that would lead you to want me to be sorry later" crap. It might help to hear that she doesn't like it either, but she feels that it's what you need to do together. You know?

Hang in there

Thankyou! Although, not sure you'd have said that if you saw the same blubbering, pukey mess, with 'agressive, defensive' body language that my T saw in session!

The whole thing or just the last, post-session post?

Yes, she agreed to email back and forth with me just for this week while we try to sort things out. She didn't want to, I had to negotiate terms! I explained that I've felt tortured for weeks, because I knew something was going on, and tried to pre-empt/address it with her but to no avail. I said I couldn't bear to sit with all the pain/confusion for a whole other week, feeling punished... I think the part where she said she felt 'bullied' might have been when I snapped at her and said something like... "it's not fair to cut off all communication with me when I feel the need to work through this MESS that YOU created..." in a shrieking voice with a sweeping hand gesture... Umm. I was very upset. I don't think I've ever been so harsh with her... I did apologise for it.. I just felt so passionate about how important it was that discussion remain open just now. I meant well... But maybe I am a bully? Something to work on in therapy?

I actually sent her a long email last night, that I think said what needed to be said, hopefully with clarity. I think it covers what I feel are the important points I made in my post here... I've asked the questions I feel I need her to answer, expressed what I feel I need in continuing...

Hoping we can negotiate terms and conditions together, somewhat, though I accept she gets final say.