It's over.

You are being so brave and mature about this situation, I wish I could have done the same with xT. I hope she is committed to working through this with you.

Great post, that's helpful, thank you

I've put questions to her about what happened and why, and I hope she answers them for me, I feel it's important she does... It's interesting what you say about maybe she's talking 'to herself' when she's talking to me... she has expressed that she's been frustrated/mad with herself... At times during session I thought she was rather harsh, and hard on me, but - and I could be wrong - I think she *did* find it difficult to be that way with me.

I've also expressed to her that I feel the need for transparency, as you put it. I've also expressed my disappointment, in that I thought we had it, but then instead of having a discussion she felt she needed to have with me, she 'pulled' this on me. For me it's not so much that she's changing the boundaries - I don't love it but I understand why - it's the way she tried to go about it. I'm still feeling like "I can't believe she pulled this sneaky therapist crap on me... ON ME!!"

She emailed me back. Things are looking a tad more positive... I have cautious optimism...

good for you , JSG., keep us posted

Session today was a total car crash. I wasn't in the best mood to begin with and I just got more and more pissed off. I just felt like she was missing the point over and over, and she kept asking me questions about things I know I've already told her - in some cases it feels like over and over... like I said before, it feels like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers - it's like I barely recognise her anymore - and I told her that. Where is the woman who I was getting to know, who I thought was getting to know me? Where is the woman who I felt understood me so well all this time, who 'got' me? I feel bewildered. It's like the therapeutic relationship I've been fighting so hard to keep alive doesn't even exist - did it ever? Or was that all in my head, too, just like everything else?!

I'd made myself so vulnerable, tried to explain how things are for me, and it almost feels like she used the information against me, like I got things thrown back in my face. I don't suppose she meant to do that, but that's how it felt at times today.

She asked me more than once if I wanted to work with someone else instead.

There were things she said today that made me feel so hopeless I wanted to hurt myself.

She asked me if I wanted a hug goodbye and I said I didn't. I felt so conflicted. I wanted a hug off the warm woman, not the cold therapist. I stopped at the door and burst out crying and wailed that I just wanted her to 'fix it' - "I just want you to fix it.." and she hugged me and told me she was trying, and I cried some more.. but I was so tense I didn't feel I could relax into the hug at all, could barely even breathe. In the end I actually felt like I wanted her to let go of me. She didn't. When she did let go she said therapy can be upsetting sometimes, and I nodded, and she hugged me again. She looked upset too.

As I left she asked if I wanted to contact her with a list of things I think she isn't hearing. I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm just done, you know? Done. I'm sick of trying to explain myself and spell things out and I'm getting totally frustrated and impatient and I just don't know how to make things clearer.

I'm not well. I feel exhausted. I can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm all 'therapied' out. I don't want to start this **** all over again with another one. I don't want someone patronising me and playing mind games. I don't want any of this 'therapy' bull ****. I want my friend. My friend/mentor/mother figure. And maybe that's the problem, we got too close in the first place and she should never have been that person for me?!

This is all so ****ed up.

Did it not help at all to email all of that information to her? Did she not even read it?? How frustrating!! I am so sorry.

She actually had it all printed out and read bits back to me in session, but she seemed to take it all wrong. It's like she hadn't really read it, not really HEARD it, not let what I was saying sink in - it was like she skimmed through and jumped to her own conclusions. I had to keep saying 'It's not like that', 'that's not what I meant'...

She's just not seeing things from my point of view.

That is so hard. I am so sorry. I have only had one or two sessions like that, where I had to keep stopping him, saying NO, that is NOT it, and I ended up sobbing. I feel for you.

Yeah, I feel this. There's only so many times you want to repeat yourself, have her tell you what she thought you said, then correct her... over and over. I definitely felt (and still feel) this way about my almost-former-T. Getting him to understand something felt like nailing Jell-O to a wall.

Could you take a break? Like for a month or something? It just sounds like you could use a reprieve from the heartache. I dunno.

No real words of wisdom, just sympathy and empathy.

I emailed, as per her request. Last ditch effort this time, I swear. But I keep saying that and then trying again... I don't want to let go. But when is enough, enough?

About an hour later I emailed again to ask if I could come collect my notes. Been asking for them and she keeps putting me off. I want to read them.

Maybe she'll reply tomorrow, maybe she won't... and I'll just have to be fine with either, because let's face it, I have no choice...

Ugh. It's almost 2am and I just finished a whole pizza. After a midnight drive to ASDA for some comfort food and a DVD. About the healthiest way I could think to cope. (Which I know isn't so healthy.)

Good job of finding a reasonably healthy way to cope, and of avoiding strikingly unhealthy methods.

(((JSG)))

I'm sorry it's turning out this way. I don't know what else to say but I wish you could get closure or work things out. I know how agonizing it is to NOT KNOW what the end result is going to be.

I can think of a lot of worse ways to cope. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under stressful circumstances.

Well, I didn't hear from T, so I emailed again - and it really was my last last last ditch attempt to be understood. I tried to explain my emotional needs and how my under-developed emotional self feels... I remembered a video I saw that someone posted on here a while ago (can't link, on iPod, but if you want to know which one I mean, search threads for 'dance of attunement' and you'll find it) where a baby reacts negatively to a mum who doesn't engage - the 'still face experiment'- and as I was writing to T it popped into my head, it all suddenly made sense in a way I could put into words: that here I am, the screaming infant, begging 'mum' to pay attention, to 'hear' me, trying everything I can think of... and she's been giving me the 'still face'!! So I try to explain all of this, write it all out, and sent her the video.

Finally. I think 'mum' finally 'hears' the screaming child...

She called me this morning, sounding like she used to sound, and talked to me for a while. I think she understands, she sees it now, sees where I'm at, sees what I need... We're going to meet on Tuesday and we're going to try and address this stuff. Just the fact that she called at all and stopped freezing me out... my wailing inner child has relaxed, feels soothed... like 'she hears me! She's there!'

I feel so relieved I could cry. There is actually hope