I don't even know what happened. It's just over. I've been crying since Thursday, and I know I'll cry again, but right now I just feel numb. I don't know what to do. I guess I should start looking for another therapist, another mode of therapy, another answer... but I don't know if I can go through it all again. I really don't.

I feel so hurt. At best, T was oblivious to my pain, and at worst, she pushed the very buttons she knew she had to push to get me to quit. I suspected/feared the end was coming, she admitted a little while ago she was frustrated and didn't know what to do with me... I just wish she would have been authentic and we could have had a proper goodbye. Instead, I feel abandoned. Rejected. Pushed away. Like she stopped caring. Then I start wondering if she ever cared. She has ****ed this one up, and I am so, so mad at her. I wish I could hate her, but I don't, and that's what hurts the most - I love her, and I'm never going to see her again.

It's inconceivable.

Oh.. the tears are back...

[unaluna]

I'm so sorry. this is so weird of her.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry your therapy has ended this way. You saw your T for 18 months and you've said you had a good relationship with her. Is it possible to end better, to have a couple of wrap-up sessions? Was it your decision to end so abruptly? I DO believe your T cares very much for you, and would want a better ending, in which the positives in your therapy could be acknowledged. You could be ready to move on, but still hold onto the good parts.

I cried for many days after I quit my first T. It was my choice to quit, and I did it abruptly. After 2 years with another T, I went back to say "goodbye" properly, which helped but it would have been better to do it at the time.

Crying is normal; you're grieving a huge loss.

She wanted me to go for session on Wednesday, to say goodbye. I didn't think I could do it. Our last session was awful. It was like I didn't even know her anymore. It was like she never heard a word I ever said. I couldn't risk going on Wednesday and having another awful session - I'm so emotionally raw and messed up right now that I don't think I could trust myself to hold it together and not make an even bigger fool of myself. I think I'd only say things I'd regret. Even now, I don't want to hurt her.

I told her I was torn about Wednesday, that I wanted to see my 'mum' and get a hug and feel safe, but that I couldn't bear to come if it would mean a fight... Her reply to me was as cold and unfeeling as all of her replies lately. I can't go and see that cold and unfeeling T. I want to remember her better than that.

And you know what? This is the second time that she's upset ME, and I'VE been the one to try and fix it and make it okay - she wouldn't even throw me a bone. I begged and begged for her to say something reassuring, to 'make it better'... she wouldn't. The therapeutic relationship isn't ALL my responsibility. She could so easily have soothed me. She just wouldn't. Like I say - I think she wanted me to quit, because she ran out of ideas, and this way it makes it my fault and not her failing. I never wanted to think of her that way, but I don't know what the **** else happened. She gave up, she withdrew... I felt it happening, I've felt it happening for weeks.

I told her I couldn't go to session just so all my pain would be up close and under a microscope. I can't face having her reject me in person. She knows I didn't want to quit. She knows. She pushed.

I hate that I made myself SO, SO vulnerable.

I begged her to tell me what was happening, to let me know what she was thinking... I really, really tried to be mature about it all. But she wouldn't address it, wouldn't go there. Things just spiralled, frustration built up - session was ****ing awful, like I say, and I spent this weekend in a total state. I sent her an emotional email at about 4am telling her I didn't feel like I could carry on, etc, and she sent me a reply the next morning that was basically: Okay, I take it we're ending then. I welcome that discussion on Wednesday. It's important for you and for me that we do this.

Yeah? **** you. **** you and your goodbye.

I feel like she undermined everything we ever did.

ETA: ugh, sorry. Excessive posting. Way too emotional. It's like I don't have an edit button anymore.

[sorter]

A therapist gives therapy, not love. Just like a mechanic fixes your car.
Obviously your therapist hasn't made that clear to you.
Why? She's a sadist or she doesn't know how to give you therapy.
Some don't. There's no governing body that makes sure any therapist is good.

I'd research what therapy is, and isn't, then find a therapist who knows what they're doing.

[SoupDragon]

(((Just Some Girl))) - we see our T's as they are professionally trained to deal with our "psyche" to help us through the therapeutic relationship - IMO it is your T who has failed you, that is down to her, not down to you - you are the paying client.

I have encouraged people to talk to their T about things, but due to my recent experiences, I think there is a line to be drawn when work with T stops being "therapeutically in tune" with what we need.

On the other hand don't negate all the work you did with her - maybe there has been some good stuff along the way?

Take care of you - Soup

You are not posting excessively, nor do you need an edit button on this. You have suffered a big blow. I wish there was some way she could see what you need to at least get some closure, even if you do need to more on to a more skilled therapist. I am so sorry this is happening.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( jsg )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

oh my gosh i know these feelings.
If you can't face going to see her, don't - but if it were me, I would at least make sure that she received all of the words below - she NEEDS to hear them - you need her to hear them. I am so sorry for your pain.
And if it were me, i would also tell her that your continuing in therapy is now jeopardized by her actions. She needs to hear that too.

(at same time, i am hoping that you do continue yr journey, at least after you have a chance to get your bearings. but oh grrrrrrrr I'm sorry for all this.)

"She wanted me to go for session on Wednesday, to say goodbye. I didn't think I could do it. Our last session was awful. It was like I didn't even know her anymore. It was like she never heard a word I ever said. I couldn't risk going on Wednesday and having another awful session - I'm so emotionally raw and messed up right now that I don't think I could trust myself to hold it together, I think I'd only say things I'd regret. Even now, I don't want to hurt her.

"I told her I was torn about Wednesday, that I wanted to see my 'mum' and get a hug and feel safe, but that I couldn't bear to come if it would mean a fight... Her reply to me was as cold and unfeeling as all of her replies lately. I can't go and see that cold and unfeeling T. I want to remember her better than that.

"And you know what? This is the second time that she's upset ME, and I'VE been the one to try and fix it and make it okay - she wouldn't even throw me a bone. I begged and begged for her to say something reassuring, to 'make it better'... she wouldn't.
The therapeutic relationship isn't ALL my responsibility.
She could so easily have soothed me. She just wouldn't. Like I say - I think she wanted me to quit, because she ran out of ideas, and this way it makes it my fault and not her failing. I never wanted to think of her that way, but I don't know what the **** else happened. She gave up, she withdrew... I felt it happening, I've felt it happening for weeks.

"I told her I couldn't go to session just so all my pain would be up close and under a microscope. I can't face having her reject me in person. She knows I didn't want to quit. She knows. She pushed.

"I hate that I made myself SO, SO vulnerable. "

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I feel so hurt. At best, T was oblivious to my pain, and at worst, she pushed the very buttons she knew she had to push to get me to quit. I suspected/feared the end was coming, she admitted a little while ago she was frustrated and didn't know what to do with me... I just wish she would have been authentic and we could have had a proper goodbye. Instead, I feel abandoned. Rejected. Pushed away. Like she stopped caring. Then I start wondering if she ever cared. She has ****ed this one up, and I am so, so mad at her. I wish I could hate her, but I don't, and that's what hurts the most - I love her, and I'm never going to see her again.

((JSG))

That's terrible!

[Nightlight]

I can really, really hear your pain in your posts. Keep posting if it helps. My therapist means so much to me, and I need her not to give up on me...and there have been times when I was certain it was happening and that there was no coming back, so I can really relate to the absolute devastation. My therapist has admitted frustration lately too, and it's hard when you know you're doing your best and they're still frustrated. I also think they get frustrated because they do care, if they didn't care they wouldn't be invested enough to feel frustrated that you weren't making progress. She's not hearing you or helping you right now and you don't feel ready to see her to process this because you're scared it will make the situation worse. It sounds like perhaps you're both not hearing each other. It doesn't sound like she meant for this to be the end but that she accepted your decision. It feels hurtful at the time but I think that's a really common response from many therapists. I know my therapist tends to say "sure, if that's what you want" rather than "I'd like to keep working with you". Could you try emailing her some really clear questions when you are ready? Asking if it is possible to work through this and if she would be willing to still help you to move forwards and if that's not possible would she help you to have a respectful ending that honored all the work you've done together? I know you haven't posted the full story so if the situation has moved well beyond the point where that's going to help, mostly I'm just really sorry that you're going through this.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( jsg )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

oh my gosh i know these feelings.
If you can't face going to see her, don't - but if it were me, I would at least make sure that she received all of the words below - she NEEDS to hear them - you need her to hear them. I am so sorry for your pain.
And if it were me, i would also tell her that your continuing in therapy is now jeopardized by her actions. She needs to hear that too.

(at same time, i am hoping that you do continue yr journey, at least after you have a chance to get your bearings. but oh grrrrrrrr I'm sorry for all this.)

"She wanted me to go for session on Wednesday, to say goodbye. I didn't think I could do it. Our last session was awful. It was like I didn't even know her anymore. It was like she never heard a word I ever said. I couldn't risk going on Wednesday and having another awful session - I'm so emotionally raw and messed up right now that I don't think I could trust myself to hold it together, I think I'd only say things I'd regret. Even now, I don't want to hurt her.

"I told her I was torn about Wednesday, that I wanted to see my 'mum' and get a hug and feel safe, but that I couldn't bear to come if it would mean a fight... Her reply to me was as cold and unfeeling as all of her replies lately. I can't go and see that cold and unfeeling T. I want to remember her better than that.

"And you know what? This is the second time that she's upset ME, and I'VE been the one to try and fix it and make it okay - she wouldn't even throw me a bone. I begged and begged for her to say something reassuring, to 'make it better'... she wouldn't.
The therapeutic relationship isn't ALL my responsibility.
She could so easily have soothed me. She just wouldn't. Like I say - I think she wanted me to quit, because she ran out of ideas, and this way it makes it my fault and not her failing. I never wanted to think of her that way, but I don't know what the **** else happened. She gave up, she withdrew... I felt it happening, I've felt it happening for weeks.

"I told her I couldn't go to session just so all my pain would be up close and under a microscope. I can't face having her reject me in person. She knows I didn't want to quit. She knows. She pushed.

"I hate that I made myself SO, SO vulnerable. "

Thanks SAWE. The thing is, she knows precisely all of this, and more. I have poured my heart out. I've told her exactly how this is all affecting me, and I've not got anything from her in response beyond a few very therapisty vague words - nothing reassuring - just 'I'll be there on Wednesday. If you want to come...' Blah blah, and 'it's better to have a proper ending.' Well, considering how bad our last session was, I actually didnt want to go, because (ha!) I wanted to try and preserve our relationship, I didnt want to hurt her, I wanted to protect myself, didn't want to argue with her. I didnt want to think of her badly - but I'm starting to. I am SO infuriated by the way she is - or rather isn't - handling this. Why can't she just own her **** like the healthy adult she's supposed to be modelling for me?

Now, if T had had consistent boundaries all along, fair enough, but I'm very used to communicating freely with her via email, and sometimes txt and phone. Bad time to pull back. Thing is, the only other time she pulled back her boundaries any was our last (and only other) rupture. Not very T-like, is it? Getting defensive and taking a rupture personally? But she totally does, I've found - even though, and I hasten to add, I'm hardly a client who spews a load of **** at her. It's not like I go mad and start blaming her and insulting her, you know? It's more: 'you said this, it hurt me, I don't think you meant it to, but here's why I think it did, can you reassure me things are okay' type of thing. I'm always careful to tell her how much I appreciate anything she does for me, always tell her what I've found helpful...

I'm so mad because I SAW this coming, tried to pre-empt it, and she didn't address it. At the end of the day, though, I'm not the T. I feel like she should be trying harder, at this point. I feel very let down. 18 months and I've never threatened to quit. I've told her how important she is to me. I'm sad that she doesn't seem to be taking my despair seriously - like I'm manipulating her, or something. I'm not. I'm totally serious. I feel like things have got to the point where I need to quit. This isn't the way I wanted to do things. I'm devastated that I'm losing her (the regular her, not this invasion of the bodysnatchers version).

I thought our relationship was special, and here she is treating me like I'm of no consequence. I suppose you could say the same of me, right? because I dont want to see her face to face? Yeah, well difference is that i said I WOULD go to see her, if it was going to be the 'her' I knew, the 'warm, human' her. She didn't reassure me. And I'm the client, and I have anxiety. I'm not doing well. When I went to session after the rupture last time, I lost control of my car I was so wound up and upset. Then during the session itself she berated me and tried to get me to take responsibility for the whole thing. I sat there feeling ashamed and vulnerable and literally hiding behind my hands like a little girl. I didn't want to go through that again. Saying goodbye is hard enough. If she'd have just reassured me that session would be okay, that I'd get my hug... but no, she has to play hardball. It's like she's stubbornly refusing to give in to my 'demands', like I'm some kind of terrorist.

Really ****ed off with her now. She's let me down. This is a really damaging way to end. If I thought going on Wednesday might help, I'd go, but the way things are it's just not going to - I think it would only make things even more acrimonious. Never thought this would happen with my T. We'd got SO close, I thought. I wanted to stay with her forever.

just some girl I can feet your pain and I am sure t does too! I am thinking that she knows she is wrong but doesn't know how to come back from this! She obviously won't own her ****, so gif is letting this one slip. If I were you I would go on Wednesday and explain everything you need to tell her otherwise you will regret it and be frustrated because you never got closure!
I wasn't going to go to my closing session with t 1 as I was sure she hated me towards the end but it turned out she was either a good liar or she didn't hate me! Because it was nice to hear her side of things which was totally different to to mine! I was still mad coming out but I. Understood it better! I hope you and t can do the same!

[~EnlightenMe~]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm sorry that you had to deal with your therapist while she was not being consistent. I'm sorry that you didn't want to leave, but that she pushed your buttons to leave. I'm sorry that she is having her own issues and that she has no clue how to humanely terminate a patient. It gets better, but it takes a long time. And there will be a lot of anger and rage. Keep posting, we are here to help.

[Wren_]

i hate reading for you that it's over ... having read about your relationship in the past i keep wanting it to work out for you ... could you email her asking not for a session this wednesday but perhaps the following one instead? giving you time to sort through a little more your thoughts and feelings and post as much as you need and then go back for a wrap up session ? this is horrible and so hurtful for you

[Sunne]

Wow. She really failed here and screwed up big time! I'm so sorry. She went about this the wrong way. Really wrong.

Does she have a supervisor that you know of? Is it possible to take it over her head to them, that you know of?

She really does need to know how badly she f'd up. You did say you laid it out on the table.. but I really don't think you should be sparing her feelings because you don't want to hurt her. As far as I'm concerned she has not spared yours and she needs to know exactly what she has done. It's not right. Not at all. She just doesn't want the 'blood' on her hands so to speak!

Honestly, she doesn't deserve you as a patient. You are a wonderful person and I hope you try and find a more skilled therapist when you are ready. They are out there, and they won't hurt you and can help you with what has happened with this T.

So sorry. Keep writing. I know how much writing helps!

[SallyBrown]

I'm SO sorry, so so sorry... as you know I really feel your pain here. Feeling like I just got emotionally manipulated into quitting. Other times feeling like T is playing some kind of horrific game of chicken. Going from always being there for you to "are we done here?" I'm so, so sorry.

She's messing up and I suspect that part of the reason she's pulling away is that she knows she's messing up. Small consolation, but I bet some part of her knows she's wrong. Either way, whatever she gets from pulling away, it's not fair to you for her to get it at the expense of your emotional health. It's awful.

I would definitely recommend looking for a new T ASAP, even if your heart's not in it. It's a relief to be able to talk about it, even to a stranger, believe me. Besides, your T is basically showing less compassion than some strangers might show you, so why not take a chance on someone new... can't be worse than this, right? I KNOW it's so hard to imagine starting all over. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I don't want to do it. But I think we'll be ok.

Stay strong and keep posting

[rainbow8]

Is your T going through menopause or something? Seriously, she sounds very messed up. OR, she realized or was told that she was treating you wrong and suddenly made a complete turn around which could make sense but if so, you deserved to KNOW about it.

I don't like when Ts make these changes and expect us to just "go along with the flow". Maybe they think it's for our own good, but we're not stupid!!! Like my T not wanting to hold my hand for as long as she used to. She won't comment about it, but I know it's changed.

When I quit my first T, and later went back for a few good-bye sessions, I was glad. However, I got messed up when I crossed a boundary with her. She had to send me a certified letter with the names of other Ts. It felt like ice in my hands! I had been seeing her over 3 years, and we had a close connection. Then she sent me this certified letter that made me crazy!! I called her and said "how can you do that"? It seems like we're strangers. Her answer was that she cared about me but had to put some distance between us.

I'm not saying that's relevant or not, but Ts act in strange ways to protect themselves and to help us. Maybe that's what your T thinks she's doing. She's not going to force you to see her on Wednesday. I like the idea of seeing her one more time to see if you can get some kind of closure. But then I think about --oh, I can't remember her name, someone help me, who saw her T again and it didn't help. Or maybe it did. Her T was screwing up like yours.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry. By allowing the good T to disappear, she has betrayed you, betrayed your trust.

Now I'm stressing a little. WHAT do you do in therapy that earns you a certified letter with referrals? I mean, really? I've sort of yelled at him. Told him to shut up. I have even told him to F himself. Told him about all sorts of things. Wondering at what point that certified letter happens.

[~EnlightenMe~]

With all the terminations flying around lately, I'm convinced that the Earth's magnetic poles are shifting or something majorly cosmic is going on to cause our once supportive therapists to manipulate us on out of therapy. What sucks is when they pull away, it makes our symptoms skyrocket and triggers our worst fears.

I would definitely see your T again and write down everything you want to say. It is so much more difficult to get over this and move forward when you have nothing resolved. All you can do is guess why whatever happened, and being in a negative mindset already, it isn't a good situation.

Expect to feel a variety of emotions.

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I don't even know what happened. It's just over. I've been crying since Thursday, and I know I'll cry again, but right now I just feel numb. I don't know what to do. I guess I should start looking for another therapist, another mode of therapy, another answer... but I don't know if I can go through it all again. I really don't.

I feel so hurt. At best, T was oblivious to my pain, and at worst, she pushed the very buttons she knew she had to push to get me to quit. I suspected/feared the end was coming, she admitted a little while ago she was frustrated and didn't know what to do with me... I just wish she would have been authentic and we could have had a proper goodbye. Instead, I feel abandoned. Rejected. Pushed away. Like she stopped caring. Then I start wondering if she ever cared. She has ****ed this one up, and I am so, so mad at her. I wish I could hate her, but I don't, and that's what hurts the most - I love her, and I'm never going to see her again.

It's inconceivable.

Oh.. the tears are back...

Hello just_some_girl,

Is it sure that you won't see her again?
I think that she was rude by saying that she didn't know what to do with you and I can understand your pain. You are right by expressing yourself here, it is good for you.
If you saw her again, write on a paper what you want to tell her and then say it during your session.

I hope you will feel better soon!

Thank you for all of your wonderful, lovely, supportive replies.

I know I've not posted, like, the entire story (but it's so long, and complicated, and personal, etc) but reading some of them, my heart wants to leap to her defense - which is crazy, because I'm so mad at her - but she's been so good to me for so long, it's so weird to me to not have unconditional positive regard for her! She really threw me a curveball when we had that last rupture, and I was like 'Wha..? Who are you?!' but I thought we got back on track, and then BAM, here we go again. But I'm dumbfounded. If you met my T you'd all see how lovely and genuine and warm she is... usually! It's why I'm having a hard time figuring what's going on, I mean, she's smart, so surely she can't be so oblivious? But, then I'd hate to think she was being manipulative or playing mind games or whatever... so...
Now, I'm not saying I thought she was perfect - we've had the odd scheduling mishap and stuff, we have our little disagreements about things, etc - but, I don't know. The only two times there's a hint of my not being a happy bunny with her, and she shuts right down, like she's on the defensive right away, which has only caused the situation to spiral wildly - both times. Now, maybe I should have been mature enough to see that coming this time...? I don't know, hindsight. But, again, I'm the client! I feel like I shouldn't have to work this hard to suss out this stuff. HER stuff.

Thing is, she always gives me a lot of time for my sessions, and she encouraged me over and over to email. It took a LONG time for me to go anywhere near testing a boundary, I was always 'Is this okay? Is this okay? Are you sure?' I've always tried to be respectful. Yes, there have been times I've been upset and emailed more than usual... but I never demanded replies - she always told me she'd read my messages but might not always have time to answer. Well, I think it's all going along swimmingly, until the first rupture, when I got a little mad that she was completely unreachable to me (for the first time ever) when I was upset and triggered and scared to death she hated me and just wanted to fix things. See, in my mind, she was 'rejecting' me, because she'd always been so available to me before. (It seemed like too much of a coincidence -and now this second rupture happened, maybe it wasn't? ) Anyway - I tell her that I feel rejected, but I also tell her that I know I'm probably being irrational... but, she just hears 'Wah wah wah, you're not constantly available to me', so she ended up sending me some replies - to what were my attempts at bridge-building messages - that came off as defensive, and included all kinds of info, like that I was the only client who needed in-between session contact, this-that-and-the-other, that she needed time out or would face burn out... basically putting the fear into me that I was THE one, THE client that was running her ragged, proving too much for her, risking burning her out... and so that has been in mind. I've tried not to be as clingy, but it's had the effect of making me even more vigilant than I already was about overdoing it or stretching her or burning her out. Then this whole thing with not knowing what to do with me and feeling frustrated, I've been convinced that I'm stressing her out. I've tried to bring up discussions about it, I've tried to get her to reassure me that I'm not pushing it, you know? But she seems to have avoided the subject like the plague. So, of course I think I must be a nightmare.

Because of lack of progress in some areas, and my seeming to be a bit of a complex case, regular treatments/courses of action not being as effective as perhaps expected, I've been looking at other possible ideas, treatments, therapies... The thing is, I've always had such a good relationship with her (and that's supposed to be important) that I wanted to avoid leaving her if at all possible, so I wondered if we could incorporate some ideas into our therapy... or, if that was fair for me to do and if it would be better for me - and her - if I moved on. Again, I couldn't get her to address it.

I've tried to be delicate, as not to insult her, because I wouldn't have meant it to be insulting, but I've been wondering if she's out of her depth with someone like me. I just don't think I'm the type of client she's used to. but, because I love her so much, I've tried to accomodate for my own flaws, you know? I try to give her a heads up on what's going on with me. I have tried to be completely honest with her at all times about how I'm feeling, what's going on for me, how things make me feel...

... so it's all the more baffling, when I tell her things like 'I have really bad abandonment issues', because I recognise it in myself, that she does something, apparently oblivious, that triggers my sense of abandonment. But, I try not to withdraw or shutdown or be like 'you don't care', even though thats how I feel, but instead reach out to her for reassurance. When I don't get that reassurance, it feels even more catastrophic - because I've had to ask for it to begin with, even though I feel like she should 'know'... but then I think, maybe I just need to grow a pair?! But my intellectual mind and my emotional mind are at two very different levels, you know? I try.

Anyway, that's all a really long way of saying that boundaries and abandonment issues seem to be a big part of it. But I feel even more pissed off about that because I'm the one that's been checking in on that. I tried to bring the issue up. But again, it's not my place, is it? She should set her own damn boundaries, right? It's not up to me to say when we end sessions. If she says I can email then why shouldn't I go ahead and email? If I ask if we can close sessions with a hug and she says yes then of course I want my hug every week.

So while intellectually I can see that maybe I have no rights to make any demands, given how generous she is with her time, etc, it's the inconsistency. It's the sudden pulling back without warning - and I'm not just talking about emails, I'm talking about everything, even in session, almost like 'I've played therapy your way for long enough, let's shift it back into MY comfort zone'.. and then starts spouting a load of CBT crap and motivational questioning at me that makes me see red...

If she's finding me 'too much', then isn't that her own fault? She created a monster. I wouldnt say boo to a goose when I first walked into her office. But I just can't be that cold about it. Maybe we got too close - maybe the relationship has been too 'real' - that's what I thought made our relationship great... but I realise I probably spend way too much time worrying about how I might be affecting her. I feel like I could hurt her.. or that I do. Maybe it's my own insecurity, maybe it's truth, I don't know, but when I've expressed these fears she hasn't reassured me...

I like lots of reassurance...! This is the first real connection, the closest relationship I've ever had with anybody... isn't it a given that I'm going to be **** scared to lose it? And try to avoid that happening?

She's a little wrong, too, right? But then, if I'm not her usual type of client (I originally presented as pretty typical, I think, but...) and this is a bit of a learning curve for her in some ways... that's fine, you know, I'm actually quite laid back (for example, she makes a scheduling boo-boo = I go to the pub for a bit. I don't kick off) but when I'm genuinely upset about something she's done, and I try to express that, and want to work through it with her or for her to soothe me... what the **** with all the shutters going down?

So this is it:

I feel like I'm a total vampire, sucking her dry + BUT love her so dearly I never want to leave her = feeling conflicted, stay or go? For who?

Lately she continues to miss the point and not hear me on a few certain priority issues despite how much I try to spell them out + BUT she's helped me make a lot of progress concerning self development, identity, long term type stuff, and has seen me through a lot of tough times = feeling conflicted, stay or go?

She's the maternal, nurturing presence I feel I've sorely needed + BUT, attachment issues, I'm too clingy because she's the mum I always wanted but can't really have = feeling conflicted. Is this a good thing or bad thing? Is she able to work through this stuff with me, or am I suffocating her?

So, so much inner conflict about therapy, therefore lots of pain lots of heartache; recent wonderings of 'is it the end of the road' causing lots of insecurity and upset; I need reassurance, I don't get it; she's not addressing issues that I'm spoon-feeding her; I snap at 4am after horrific session and subsequent ignored (heartfelt) email, and say I can't continue like this anymore; she tells me to come in for a termination session; I try to explain I don't even want to quit, or if I do, not like this;... she misses the point, she misses the point, she misses the point... behaves like a robot... I wonder who the **** she is anymore... it's apparently 'the end', and I 'finished it', but I wanted the proper discussion and the figuring things out, she wouldn't, but now SHE'S mad because I won't go in for a termination session... (not that she's picked up the phone and actually SPOKE to me about this important issue... which, if she had, maybe we wouldnt have such an issue.)

I'm talking in circles. Sorry. Long, long post. Just needed to get it out... and maybe that made things clearer for anyone kind/bored enough to actually read all of this...?

I... forget what point I was trying to make...
Just tired... upset... rambling... venting... generally feeling sorry for myself/wondering if I've been a total *****/drama queen...

Wondering if I need to go on Wednesday... Wondering if there's still a chance I could/should salvage my therapy...

[Christina86]

Man oh man. She really messed up, from what you're saying here. You have every right to feel hurt and abandoned and crappy - but it is not your fault. A therapist's job is to work on the therapeutic relationship and whatnot - it's not the client's job to do all the work all the time! She needed to make things safe for you so you could grow, and it sounds like she dropped the ball in what you needed and asked for - and she wasn't willing to give it, but also didn't want to have the conversation about it either!

You don't NEED to go on Wednesday. But it could be good. It could resolve some things. If it didn't though, I'd also ensure you have someone to talk to afterwards if you decide to go - someone you can debrief with and have support from. She may also be able to refer you to someone else so you don't have to do a lot of work finding someone else.

I'm sorry things are the way they are for you right now!