Shame...today's continuation from last session

Well, at least T didn't have diarrhea of the mouth today, but now I know why she had it Tuesday. She slept for the first time in 5 nights last night and that was only because she took Benedryl. If I had not slept in as many nights, I would be actively hallucinating.

She took me in a bit early, which was nice of her since my session lasted until the last minute before her next appointment. We shot the breeze a bit (see above) and she asked me about me having my house cleaned yesterday. I told her it was the first time I experienced joy in months. I've been in a good mood today, so it was difficult for me to go to session.

The next 20 minutes went like this:
T: Have you had time to think about anything since session Tuesday?
Me: Yes (then spent 5 minutes talking around it).
T: *Rolls eyes*
Me: What was that?
T: I'm not being sarcastic, I recognize your pattern of avoidance.
Me: Isn't that your job?
T: Yes it is (laughs).
Me: *Meandered around 3 subjects*
T: I really lost you there; could you draw me a diagram (draws diagram in air)?
Me: Really?
T: Who do you think I am?
Me: Are you saying you're the pot calling the kettle black?
T: Exactly.

So I went into the 3 fears from last session:
She said there's 3 common themes there for me: "annoying", "pathetic", and "rejection". She said I say those words or similar every time I reveal something which makes me vulnerable. I said that I couldn't believe that I did not (and still don't) remember revealing that information before. She said I reacted the exact same way; she even remembered that I buried my head in the arm of the couch both times. This exchange occurred which is really helpful to me when T does this:

T: So how did you feel Tuesday when you revealed that information?
Me: Vulnerable.
T: And what do you worry about when you're vulnerable?
Me: Being rejected.
T: And what does it mean when you're rejected?
Me: That I'm annoying and pathetic.
T: And what does it mean if you're annoying and pathetic?
Me: That something is wrong with me.

This led to one of our talks about assuming the worst. She said that I have a tendency to do this when I feel vulnerable and I told her I knew. She reminded me that it's a pattern which took 30+ years to develop and it will take time to learn a new pattern.

We went into the concept of empathy and discussed it for a while. Within this, she revealed something vulnerable on her part to me. I mentioned that I think I will know I'm really making progress when I finally cry in session or with someone else. I asked her about the time she cried when I read her a thank-you letter I'd written to her. I said I thought she seemed embarrassed about crying in front of me. She said she wasn't embarrassed about crying. She said that she felt unworthy of what I'd written; that she didn't deserve it. I said, "Really?" She nodded sheepishly. Here was "the picture of emotional health" saying that she felt undeserving of gratitude and praise from a client.

This pretty much led up to the end of session. She revealed a couple of things to me:
1. She was a cheerleader in high school (ugh).
2. She feels jealous of me in two ways: the thickness of my hair (her hair was really thick before chemo) and the fact that I was able to get my house cleaned so well.

I realized after I left that she never answered how she felt about my making excuses about exercise, asking for the longer hug, and wanting me to go away. I know that isn't the most important part, and I see the fact that I realize that as progress. However, I wanted to ask, so I sent the following email:

I should have asked this in session (it was a very positive and helpful session for me, by the way...thank you). I realized once I left that we handled my issues with being "annoying because I made excuses", "pathetic because I asked for close touch", and "she wants me to go away for both and for revealing" on my level (which is the most important). But how did you feel when I did these things...especially the hug?

I also consider it progress that I am able to handle whatever answer she gives me. For example, if she was annoyed about my making excuses, that's more about her than me.

This was really a good session for me. I'm glad I went (because I was so busy at work, I seriously almost forgot)!

Another excellent session, I wish I could recall things like you can, I always leave thinking... surely we talked....

wow! what amazing work!

I'm starting to think it's only safe to go when I am in a good mood. The woman has a tendency to amplify whatever mood I am in.

I don't understand this bit.

If I understand you right, you are suggesting that T is not as emotionally healthy as you had hoped.

But I read it exactly the opposite: emotionally healthy people are allowed to have feelings, to be vulnerable, to cry.

I empathise with this. I always feel cheated when T hasn't answered my questions.

T is the one who meanders in conversation and goes off on rabbit trails when she is talking. That's why I said, "Really?" when she asked me this...I thought she was making fun of me. When she said, "Who do you think I am?" she was alluding to the fact that she is the one that is normally doing this. "The pot calling the kettle black" is an idiom used to claim that a person is guilty of the very thing of which they accuse another.

I'm basically reacting to the fact that she felt unworthy and undeserving of my praise and gratitude. She is constantly trying to convince me of my inherent worth and that I am deserving of good things. However, she found herself in the same place in which I tend to dwell full-time. Also, upon reflection, I believe what I saw as "embarrassment" was actually surprise on her part that she reacted that way. She actually said at the time that she needed to hear what I had to say. I just didn't discern correctly what she meant at the time.

I don't feel cheated. I haven't heard back from her via email and I'm okay with that. I will simply ask her at the start of my next session. Most likely, she will answer honestly and she probably wants to explain herself in person.

Thanks for your feedback because it really helped me see some things in a new light!

Um... I'm glad to be of help., but I really don't understand what I did!

To see this part a bit differently.

chopin your sessions are amazing.you both work so hard. thanks for sharing.