Asking someone to be your therapist

I am 22 years old and have been suffering from depression lately. The first time that I've had depression was from age 12-16. I've seen two therapists in the past, one when I was 13 and one when I was 16 but neither of them really helped me that much so I stopped going after only a few meetings. Now, I'm starting to feel the depression come back, even though it does not seem as severe as it was the first time, but then again sometimes it does feel as bad. At first, I didn't even know that I was depressed. I was never diagnosed with depression by a doctor, but I am almost positive that I was when I was younger.

Anyway, I am in college and a few days ago, I had a meeting with one of my professors about a paper I have to write for her class. We were alone and she was asking me all these questions because she said that she liked to get to know her students. All of a sudden, she told me that I seemed very sad and she asked me whether or not I had a history of depression. I didn't want to lie to her so I said that I thought I was when I was younger. I was not planning on telling her how sad I was feeling. I do not want anyone to know. I was keeping it a secret for a while, but I have to say that I did feel a little better after telling someone about her, although I did not tell her everything. It gave me a sense of comfort that someone was able to see how I was feeling because I was so scared of telling anyone.

This professor is very sweet and she recommended that I go to the counseling center on campus. I told her I would think about it, but I probably won't go. My question is do you think I would be able to ask her to be my therapist. She is also a therapist. I'm just thinking that once the semester ends, our relationship would end. The only reason we even have a relationship is because I had a meeting with her, my class is a very big class. She seems like she is very nice and caring and she has already shown more interest in me than my own family has. It just seems like I can trust her and that she understands and will be there for me when I need her. It's hard for me to trust people and she sent me an email saying that I should let her know if I needed her for anything.

Do you think that her being my therapist would be inappropriate and weird? Do you think I would be able to ask her to refer me to another therapist? I don't want to ask about either of these things if I don't even have a chance. I'm afraid of being rejected or ruining our relationship? Does anyone have any advice for me? Sorry this is so long.

Hi nj (sorry your nic is too long for me to remember!),

I really do understand your situation, and have been there. She's your teacher, not your therapist. She seems to be rather confused about that fact, imo, so I would not want to encourage that.

But the good news is that you are in a perfect situation to get help. Take her 'referral" and go to the Counseling Center. It will be confidential (something your teacher is not in a position to offer you), inexpensive, and of high quality. If you see an intern, he/she will be well supervised.

I sought therapy at my University for depression, and it saved my life. If you feel uncertain to go it alone, ask her if there's someone at the center she would recommend. You can do this!

No, she cannot be your therapist. It is unethical for a therapist to have "dual roles" with a client. Since she has already been your professor, she cannot now be your therapist. In fact, it is very likely that she is unable to treat ANY students at your University, or at least students within her own department. It would be a big problem if her patients started showing up in her classroom! There are very strict rules about this (at least at the University where I teach).

Since she has already referred you to the Counseling Center, I think that is probably the only referral she will give you. The way most University counseling centers work is that they assign you to a therapist (usually an intern) who has availability. You can tell the Center whether you prefer a male or a female, and what issue you are going there to treat (i.e. you may want someone who specializes in depression). But you don't usually get to hand pick who you see, like you do when you're seeing someone in private practice. That said, the Counseling Center is a great resource and you could probably find a great T there who can help you, since it is not appropriate for your professor to do any more than she already has. It was nice of her to listen and to you and offer some support but, now that she's referred you to the Counseling Center, that's the place to go for more help.

I think the referral was her way of saying, "I can't be your therapist, but here is a good way to get help." What is your hesitation about the counseling center? Many folks on here have had good experiences with them.

Good luck,
EJ

Since you were able to connect with her like that, it's quite possible you will with someone at the counselling center too. I really think you should give it a chance and see if it might help. You might be surprised by how much help they can offer you.

Like the others have said, since she is your teacher, she can't also be your therapist. It would be unethical for her and could present difficulties for you. What if one of your issues relates to her class?

Please don't dismiss the university counseling center out of hand. Most of them have licensed, experienced therapists on staff, who will do therapy and also supervise grad student interns as they do therapy. You may not be able to select one yourself, but if you're matched with someone who don't click with, you can usually request a change.

I'm sorry you didn't get help when you were younger. It can take a few tries to get the right person and it sounds like you maybe didn't connect well with those earlier ones. You have more control of that now. When you find someone who is a good fit for you, you can do amazing things in therapy.

Best of luck in finding the right therapist.

If you need therapy now you should probably head over to the counseling center. There is no harm in asking for a recommendation from her, either from the center or a private therapist referral. If you feel you can wait, until she's not your teacher then go ahead and ask her. She may have a private practice. Many, many years ago I had psych professor that became my therapist. It was okay. But, if you get a NO, don't see it as a rejection - it's not about you. I think of this dual relationship as that of preacher/therapist - parishioner/client. Not all dual relationships are band or unethical.

One of the best experiences of my life was getting therapy at my university counseling center. The grad student I did therapy with was amazing. Please give it a try!

I am in therapy at the counseling center at my school. It took me a while to find the right person, I met with two before I met with a third that I actually connected with. Totally worth it.

I think I can probably understand why you would be hesitant to go to the counseling center. Personally, I plan to pay the extra cost to keep seeing my regular therapist when I go to college next fall. Finding a good T who is so knowledgeable about autism in females is rare, and I feel an intern wouldn't understand it the way she does. Also, I would have a problem with the age of the intern. It would feel like having therapy with one of my peers! I don't feel comfortable talking to people only a few years older than I am. My therapist is in her early 30s and that's as young as I'm willing to go right now.

Seeking help takes guts, and that first session is always a very stressful situation. If you don't feel comfortable going to the counseling center, that's OK. Many agencies outside of campus charge on a sliding scale, making it easier for college students on a budget to afford therapy. If you are still on your parents' insurance plan, that helps too. There are other options. Hope this helps.

I see no problem asking her for referrals if you don't want to see the counseling center people.

Not all the therapists at most university counseling centers are interns. At mine, there are about 20 fully licensed and experienced therapists (most with PhDs). The interns handle most of the groups, while the licensed Ts do most of the individual sessions.

Most centers can help you find a qualified, competent off-campus therapist, too. I think that's better than random Ts you found in the phone book.

This is all so true! If you attend a large University, it is more likely that there is a large staff with a variety of credentials. Also, clients who come with a history of therapy or more serious issues are usually directed toward the most credentialed staff whenever possible.

These folks are subject to a lot of scrutiny and your chances of finding a safe environment are much higher than looking through the phone book. And depending upon the state where you live, the Univ center may very well adhere to higher ethical standards than the state requires. This is a protection to you.

Please give it a try and let us know.

Hi,
Welcome to PC!
I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with therapists.
Unfortunately, because she is your professor, she can't also be your therapist at the same time. That's called a dual relationship, and would most likely have a negative effect on the therapy if it were to happen.
However, after you're no longer her student, I believe you could ask her if you could be a client. I had a greate also happens to be a therapist.
I bet this professor would understand what you're going through, and if she can't see you, might be able to refer you to someone else.
In any case, you deserve to get good help and to find a therapist that's a good fit for you.

I am at a relatively small campus (8000 students or so) and we have no interns at our counseling center. We have 3 licensed psychologists, 1 social worker, and 1 substance abuse counselor, and 1 regular counselor (not sure what the difference is between counselor and psychologist, I think it's just education). I wouldn't worry about whether they're an intern or not, chances are your school has non-interns too!

I should add that I had a great experience at my school's counseling center!
I didn't connect with the intake worker, but was matched with a great therapist. She was an intern, but older (I agree with Indi about doing therapy with someone so young!) in her 40s, with previous experience of seeing clients in a private practice doing bodywork. She was a great listener, had a holistic view of people, and very comitted to working with me.
The only thing I don't like about counseling centers at college is the limit on sessions. Where I went to school you were only allowed ten sessions per year. Luckily I started seeing this person when there were about ten weeks left in the school year!
If you want something where you would like a more long-term relationship, I'd ask for a referral to an outside therapist. However, considering you had such bad experience with therapists in the past, maybe ten or so sessions with a therapist you really connect with would be a great start for you. You can also look on your university counseling center's website to read profiles of the therapists and learn more about the process, how many sessions are allowed, ETC.
Please let us know how it goes.

Check with your school's counseling center about whether they have session limits. My BFF saw a counselor at our college every week for four years! Many schools have limits, but not all do.

Best,
EJ

I'm a psychology student and here's my university's rules regarding this issue:


taking a different class may be a more appropriate option than transferring counselors for some clients.

Counselors and clients should seek to minimize external (outside of session) contact as much as possible. While all contact
outside of therapy is virtually impossible in a campus environment, contact should be minimized when possible so as to establish
and maintain appropriate/healthy boundaries for both parties, support confidentiality, protect against exploitive dual relationships,

and create the most effective atmosphere possible in therapy.

To summarize this, at my school, your therapist can be your teacher, but not at the same time...

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know that my professor can't also be my therapist at the same time. I was thinking of asking her to be after the semester ends and I am no longer her student. But I'm afraid that she'll say no.

I talked to her more and she says that she really wants me to go. Sometimes I feel like I'll be fine without going and other times I feel like I should go. I'm just really scared. I told her that I don't think I can do it. I don't even know what I'm afraid of.

I stopped seeing my first therapist after two times because she really hurt my feelings the last time. I was really upset about what she said about me, I cried when I got home. My second therapist wasn't much better. I guess I'm just afraid of not being able to find someone that can help me. I'm starting to think that no one will be able to help me because no one ever has.

I just want to feel like I have someone that I could talk to if I wanted. I hate feeling like I'm all alone. I feel like she is the first person that actually understands what I'm going through. I need someone to be there for me so badly. I just don't know if I can trust her or not, but I really want to feel like I can. I don't want to weigh her down with my problems, but I want to feel like I can go to her if I need help. Otherwise, I'm dealing with this on my own and it's really hard sometimes. Depression really sucks.

I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

I hadn't had bad therapy experiences, but was indoctrinated from the day I was born practically to never trust or tell anyone anything. When the pain became bigger than the fear, that was what made me take the step.
You seem to say that you want to trust your prof--not that you do trust her. Issues of how and when to trust are pretty common in therapy; many of us have seen trust as a yes or no question. It's 100% and at every step, or it's 0% and once broken, can never be regained. This is a problem that therapy can help with, but it requires you to be willing to hang in there a bit. To suspend your distrust to give the process a bit of time to work.

I hope you decide to take the risk.

I think this part is really significant and I know I struggle with this. I gave up on therapy or getting any better for a long time. I tried several therapists, (at least five that I can think of off-hand) who were not helpful for me. I was lucky with my first therapist, but then finding another one after that was incredibly difficult. Sometimes you have to try several before you find the right fit. But I think it's worth it in the long run for the healing involved.