Control of yourself in Therapy

Breasts.

I so get that Ike

I should add I'm in love with my PDOC, my T not so much.

Lola,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I keep reverting to self-hatred after my bouts of semi-trust and feeling okay. I think that the self-hatred is some kind of defense mechanism, oddly. Or control. I feel like I am more frequently than not self-hating because I am in control. If I wasn't hating myself, creating a psychological and physical (I feel tensed up) barrier, I would be vulnerable for someone else to hate/get angry/be enraged/hurt me. I am trying to be mindful and calm down, but my attachment warning system has been triggered (since the termination phase) and it has been full systems go ever since. It has to stay hypervigilant, just in case my self is in danger of being annihalated (sp?).
So, my interaction with my new T might be doomed because I don't know what to do with all of this. I can't figure it out during the week, just on Wednesday. I know this is what is best for me, I know my new T cares. I still have remnant emotions that feel hurt that just because I am the way I am, that I can't have contact if I am overwhelmed. I have to deal with the emotions myself, which is why I am in therapy. I understand it intellectually, but it is so ungodly painful. I am and have been in so much pain for so long that I am becoming paranoid at work and I am increasingly becoming unstable. I can't express enough that this really has my emotions in an uproar, it is scary. I've never been this bad before. I can't tell my H because it scares him, and he gets anxious/stressed/angry about things and makes it worse, but he loves me. I don't know how to do this, my attachment system is on Def Con 4 and I feel so alone with my emotions. And I'm also still obsessed about the abrupt termination which has some not yet expressed emotions and some expressed. I am afraid that this is too much for me, that I am not at a place where I can tolerate more pain/fear. I feel that I HAVE to work on this now even though I don't feel stable. I am so afraid and in pain. I feel like all I do is post agonizing posts But that's how I feel.

As far as feeling helpless when it comes to my emotions, I think that I don't accept my neediness, it is something I'm starting to do, but if you don't accept a part of yourself, it is near impossible to accept responsibility for it. It's like a not-me part. It's like, "that's not me, so why do I have to hold all of the emotions from it?" I feel like it is so unfair, yet I understand that this statement is illogical.

I really needed this, Lola, great idea. We will all make it out somehow

I find control/containment of myself useful in that I am responsible for myself even though I am attempting to do therapy. Therapy is not an excuse for me to risk more than I am willing to lose.

risk what? You are by far the post "in control" person I was thinking of when I was pondering this... ( your robin too... pbutton) . We are all still responsible for ourselves as we do therapy, do you mean self reliant?

TRIGGER..........SI


My T says self hatred is where I feel safe.....my SI thoughts are my way of regaining my control, when I feel out of control. I agree.

He also thinks paranoid feeling usually , in non schizo patients, definitely a warning system to the ego. You have your antenna's on high alert as a form of protection..I am at Def Con 3 now, was at 4 ....the level is dropping as I process xT and the termination. IMHO you should process these feelings...
as eminem put it...

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime...."

Let go, let yourself feel the pain and process it and learn from it and move on... now is the time.

As far as needs go, hate that word since starting therapy, we all have to accept we have them and WE ALONE can't meet them.

Thank you for all the feedback , its very helpful

I am responsible to keep myself safe from the therapist, for good and bad choices in picking the therapist, for what I pick and choose out of what the therapist says etc.

The bold part is striking to me.... so you assume they will or have the capability to hurt you.... and if they do , you are at fault for that somehow as you should have done a better job in choosing the T or filtering their narratives. Can you assume they won't or can't hurt you? I am already assuming you will say they can't as you won't allow it.... but you do see where you acknowledge the possibility that they could by being vulnerable via letting go of your emotional control? I think your antenna's are at Def Con 6... and the scale only goes to 5.

I can assume they may not intend to do so and if they do it is because I have let them.
You lost me with def con - I don't know what that is. I mean I know you were teasing with me, but I don't know with what.

I guess I'm not so sure there's a correlation between control and connection. At least not in a one-to-one sort of way. I felt very connected to my T from the first, despite that not being typical of me in other relationships. And I was also far less controlled at the first than is usual for me.

But all of it shifted around at different times during therapy. There were periods when I was far more controlled, yet equally connected.

I suspect connection may be something we perceive as greater or lesser, but the more powerful attachment is not so perceptible. Even when we feel the connection is distant or broken, the attachment is probably strong enough to make it safe enough for us to feel distant.

Connection can come or go quickly, as can control, but attachment takes time and is more lasting and powerful.

It's a bit like having a fight with someone we love: it's the power of the attachment that allows us to feel safe enough to fight.

IMHO I think this is a simplified version of what's preventing you from reaping the full benefits of T.

Def Con was used as a level of readiness for the us military during the Cold War... I was wrong....1 was imminent danger and launching of nuclear weapons , Def Con 5 was peace... so my comment should have been Def Con 0.

To the extent I understand what you are saying, then perhaps. I don't think so, but I could be wrong.
I will have to go look up this def con thing.

thank you... more accuratly I think its controlling of our emotions and/or willingless to be vunerable in the theraputic relationship and its correlation to a healthy emotional attachment, which I think I have simply labeled " connection" . Although I still dont feel I have the right word and attachment isn't the word I used because to me , attachment is not always a positive thing, like in addiction .... it can be non emotional too , as in a person who like order and consistency.... ie rain man, OCD

The attachement may be there, but not at a level that makes one feel its "safe" and be wiling to let go of emotional control within the theraputic relationship. Interesting...very interesting. Thank you

I'm simply saying I believe you are at such a level of high alert regarding protecting yourself , that its impossible to truly form the level of attachment within the therapeutic relationship that would make you feel "safe". Safe enough to relinquish the emotional control and remover the filter.... thus get the most benefit from therapy.... I get this as I believe it is similar to where I am , its a therapeutic algorithm and we are stuck in an infinite loop.... see link

If one "lets go" of emotional control anywhere, therapy included, chaos will ensue. I greatly dislike chaos and chaos with another human around (a therapist) is simply not safe. If i knowingly go into an unsafe situation and harm befalls me, I am responsible for allowing the harm to occur. Because I choose to continue going into a known unsafe situation ( therapy), i simply must take reasonable precautionary measures.

Def Con zero or super heightened protection mode. What happened that makes you so sure chaos will ensue? What if the shaken coke can explodes and alleviates the anxiety and pressure? One will never know until they feel safe enough to let the can explode and deal with the consequences, which I imagine are not as tragic as you anticipate..... you are no longer that child any more.... history doesn't have to play out like it has before. Fear .... fear of history repeating itself... What would make you feel safe?

Does "letting go" have to be 100%? I wouldn't want that, either, as from a psych perspective, that would sound like a total break from reality, psychosis, etc, and I certainly wouldn't want that.

Can't the self-imposed boundaries be flexible, yet controlled?

Is there a reason that therapy seems to be an "unsafe" activity by definition? I never saw it this way. Can't the "unknown" simply be unknown without being a threat?

O/T--Stopdog, I hope you saw my apology to you on the "support" thread; it is heartfelt (with no hug.)

I would like to say that I am in complete control while in t, but sometimes I get the feeling that I really don't have as much say in things as I would like. Could be true, or could just be me doubting. But I'm not really sure.

That makes sense. I was using the word in a technical psych way referring to interpersonal bonding which seems to be talked about as positive or lacking; I haven't seen it used as negative. 'Course, I've also been reading a lot of Object Relations stuff lately, and that can be confusing enough to make me question how to tell time!

I think highly traumatized childhoods lead to bigger defenses .... I don't think you have to be 100% , But maybe a little give ...testing of the waters is necessary. No need to run and jump in the lake...but one can walk in it slowly , start with wetting the feet and then getting the ankles etc.... boundaries have to be flexible as we learn to relinquish emotional control and realize its ok and nothing bad will happen, slowly. We actually have to learn this....

You do have say, you are the client and they work for you. You can leave at anytime, you can and should negotiate boundaries.

Exactly. It is a learned process, but I don't know any way it can be learned except by doing. The experience provides the feedback loop. And, hopefully, each successful experience increases trust, and so, attachment.

yes each dress rehearsal in session, is an attempt to relearn and make new new thoughts to replace old ones. But we have to give up our old defense mechanism that are no longer working or necessary. Therapy is hard and takes a certain amount of faith and trust in T.

One area where my control is pretty strong. If I say to T, "
I don't want to talk about that", she drops it at once.