[unaluna]

i'm hoping that by writing about it here, I can get rid of it. The good news is, I can finally ask T for a glass of water at the beginning of session, and even talk about what a great change this is in a normal tone of voice. The bad news is, lately I've been asking by saying, "Agua, Señor Boss, agua!" which is what my first husband told me, over 30 years ago!!!, was how his employees used to ask him for water, and he would refuse them. So it's a horrible story. I guess the point is, why would I close my eyes and marry such a cruel person? Aside from the obvious fact that he reminded me of my mother. I guess there's a lot more work to do.

[rainbow8]

hankster: First, I hope you're proud of yourself for starting a thread. I know that's hard for you. Second, I think you're asking for water that way because you want/need to talk more about your first H. Maybe you're facing stuff you were afraid to, and it's easier for you to do it in a semi-humorous way (though it's not funny the way your former H treated his employees and I assume the way he treated you).

I may be off target, but wanted you to know I care.

[granite1]

i too think that is you way of dealing with feelings about your first husband. sounds like it is a hard subject for you to aproach. i have to sayawsome job on being able to ask for something

[unaluna]

thanks, guys. semi-humorous is a good way of putting it. and I bring it into the room then it stops cold. interesting.

Originally Posted by hankster

thanks, guys. semi-humorous is a good way of putting it. and I bring it into the room then it stops cold. interesting.

Do you mean that you say it in a "semi-humorous way" but your T doesn't think its funny? I used to describe how my siblings and I used to respond to our father coming home as the "scattering of cockroaches (there were alot of children (well only 6)... i thought it was semi humorous...my T just looked at me... and said you were not cockroaches.... he told me once that my sense of humor was one of my endearing qualities (that pissed me off by the way)...but he would not support me in using humor to make light of an abusive situation. perhaps that is why it stops cold.

[Anne2.0]

I think that your saying this to T is funny, until I heard how the story ends. Yikes. I'm not sure to make of why someone would not allow his workers to have water, but it does seem cruel.

The only thing I wonder about, and I suspect this is not the case from what is in the story, is that sometimes people, especially those who are in charge, are not the way they are at work when they are at home. They are almost not themselves at work, they take on a role and then act in accordance with that role. I know of a number of lawyers who are complete bullies and @sshats if you are on the opposing side in a legal case, but are really sweet guys in real life.

But to me the issue wouldn't necessarily be why you would marry a cruel person, but whether or how he was cruel to you, and how that affected you, and maybe how it still does.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

but he would not support me in using humor to make light of an abusive situation. perhaps that is why it stops cold.

yeah, similarly, my prev T was always asking me, "why are you trying to make me laugh?" I always denied it. I couldn't see it while I was in it.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

But to me the issue wouldn't necessarily be why you would marry a cruel person, but whether or how he was cruel to you, and how that affected you, and maybe how it still does.

That's what I realized as I was writing this. He WAS cruel, as was the FOO. T said I never told him the story before; I said I did, he just didn't remember it, and or I didn't tell it emphatically enough because I couldn't face it yet myself.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by hankster

That's what I realized as I was writing this. He WAS cruel, as was the FOO. T said I never told him the story before; I said I did, he just didn't remember it, and or I didn't tell it emphatically enough because I couldn't face it yet myself.

I've certainly gotten that the FOO was cruel; that fact is all over your stories. I am sad that he was cruel to you and that you did not get the support and love you needed from your marriage. I made bad choices in partners for many of my early adult years, people who could not be there emotionally for me, who were remote but safe. If you do not engage with me, then you have no opportunity to hurt me. I lived with people at arm's length and that worked for me, until it didn't.

But, clearly, you got tired of the cruel dude, and went on to another who was less like your FOO?

[unaluna]

oh no - I always make the same mistake 3 times.

[stopdog]

I thought weird rituals would be something with live chickens and chanting.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by hankster

oh no - I always make the same mistake 3 times.

at least you didn't make it a 4th

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by hankster

oh no - I always make the same mistake 3 times.

Hanky, I've got it down to twice! So excited

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I thought weird rituals would be something with live chickens and chanting.

I was hoping people would add their own. Don't be shy

[Kacey2]

OK Hankster,
You asked, so here it is............ I have played with the same thing "thinking putty" for at least 468 hours and t says that I always make phallus symbols. Always. I can't have a session without the putty, it doesn't feel right (it stays in t's desk drawer cause heaven forbid I share my penis putty with anyone else!) and t says that I have never, ever made anything besides that which resembles snakes and/or penises. He let me make them for over three years straight with out ever commenting on them. Talk about containment!

Then, when he did point it out to me, he told me a story of a little boy in the office that would draw penises all over the place because he had a lot to say about them and didn't really have the words to articulate it. It made me feel a little better. Ahh well, I still make them every session..............

Hankster, I'm glad to see you posted.

Maybe, it's an easier way for you to bring up a shameful topic, i.e. mom, ex husband(s), etc. Yes, they are hard work - aren't they? Your therapist just has to read between the lines and the laughter...You can do it!

[unaluna]

Kacey, tell your T he has a dirty mind

........... sorry.