When it's not enough

I've been seeing my T for a long time. We've gone through phases where I've had a lot of contact between sessions (mostly by email), and then others where I don't contact her much at all. I think over time I burned her out on email. Awhile ago she asked me to stop sending long ones, which I completely understood. It still hurt, but I got it and have respected that boundary. It's still not entirely clear what constitutes a "long" message, but I think I get the general idea.

I'm really struggling right now with depression. I have these constant intrusive thoughts of suicide, but it's not anything I'm trying to plan for. My T knows about how I'm doing, for the most part. She tends to downplay suicidality, which I get, but, urgh, sometimes it just seems like I need WAY more than she could (or should) ever give.

I talk to my friends and my husband here and there about how I'm doing, but I worry about freaking them out, so I tend to limit what I say.

I don't have a real question, I guess. Just wanted to put some words out there to see if they'd bounce off of anything.

likelife, I have freaked out my husband on occasion, so I understand your hesitation about sharing too much. I was lucky to have at least one friend who really understood and I could share how I was feeling. After I was feeling better, she told me that she sometimes had trouble sleeping after we got off the phone because she wasn't sure I would be there the next day, and then I felt guilty for imposing on her. However, she has assured me repeatedly that it was not an imposition and she felt good about being able to help, even if it was just by being a shoulder to lean on. Maybe your friends can handle more than you think.

In the meantime, I really feel for you. I hope it gets better quickly. It will get better.

I'm in a similar situation. I hope you feel better soon.

likelife, the pressure not to freak out those around us can make things worse. maybe rigt now tou eed a crisis team and T is not enough. your friends and family will learn to deal with helpung you tgrougg tgis. talk to them if you feel able. they would not, however , be able to deal with an actual suicide. i know. my brother comitted suicide. sending you love. may angels surround you.

I usually feel that same way

I never get enough. I'm not even sure what it means.

Yeah, you make a good point, MKAC. I think I sometimes don't give other people enough credit when it comes to the kind of support I believe they can offer. Or maybe it's want to offer. I don't know.

Thank you for your kind words.

Sorry to hear that Hope you're feeling better soon too.

It does get kind of exhausting pretending that everything is ok. I'm not sure what a crisis team is, but right now it seems that my T is not terribly concerned.

You're absolutely right about my friends and family not being able to deal with an actual suicide. I remind myself of that a lot, especially how it would be so, so damaging to my kids.

I'm so sorry that you had to endure your brother's suicide. What an awful thing to know from the inside out. Thank you so much for your sweet words, they were really touching.

And thank you so much for the hugs, everyone. I usually read PC on my phone, so I don't see those until I get on my computer. My heart felt really warmed by everyone's support.

This feels super important to me.

There have been times in the past when I've been in crisis and T really DID NOT GET IT. I felt like I was sitting there telling him, but for some reason, we just weren't communicating.

It's always a huge relief for me when he finally does "get it". Just knowing that he knows takes some of the burden away. Sometimes I *feel* like I need more - more support outside of session, more e-mails, more whatever - but it turns out that really what I need is to be seen and heard and understood. Once we reach that point, the feeling of "not enough" fades a little.

I hope you can find a way to help T understand what's really going on with you. I remember one time, a few years ago, I was in SUCH a bad place and T wasn't getting it and finally at one session I started asking "Can you HEAR me? Can you even hear what I'm saying?" and when we talked about it later, he said that he realized he was seeing the nightsky he wanted to see, that it scared him that I was in such a bad place and so he wasn't letting himself see it. As soon as he got where I was at, things started getting better.

I'm sorry you are in such a hard place right now

You make a really good point, nightsky. I don't think my T really gets it, or maybe she just sees this as another go around of the same stuff that I've dealt with before - depression, suicidality, etc. - so she's less apt to worry about it.

In addition to your T seeing the version of you he wanted to see, I wonder if you were also, to an extent, presenting the version of you that he wanted to see. Was that convoluted enough, lol? I only ask because I think that's what I do with lots of people - show them what I think they want to see, which is someone who is calm and well put together. Obviously that doesn't benefit me in T, but the habit is hard to break.

I wondered about that as I was writing my reply, actually

I think part of why my therapy now is so different than it used to be is because T sees beyond what I am presenting to him. I've had to put on this happy, put-together persona for SO MANY YEARS that I don't think I even know when I'm doing it.

What does she do or say?