T embarrassed me!

If you want hugs, just ask for them. Don't make everyone feel guilty because we didn't read your mind and give you want you wanted. This post is SUCH a guilt trip, accusing people of not liking you and not responding to your threads. It's like a slap in the face to those who actually do like you and do respond to you.

For the record, I do like you. I have been proud of the progress you have made and have told you so. And I'm not the only one. Try to hold onto that and don't indulge yourself in this kind of behavior, meaning the kind of behavior that pushes people away.

Seriously, WTF?

I can't answer individually now. H and I are going out, and then I'm busy until tomorrow night.

I'm crying. Maybe I'm too sensitive to be on PC. It just often feels like I'm being ignored. I know a lot of people like me. I don't want my thread to get into that. I'm sorry. I wanted support for my recent session so I got triggered when I didn't get it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Thinking: should I delete my account or is that taking the easy way out? I'd still read and wish I could respond. Addictions are hard to give up.

farmer girl, what's up is that my T hurt my feelings. She didn't act like "herself" at the session. Then when I left she asked if was okay. I said no, but I changed it because she wanted me to be okay. She didn't say I could email or call or anything. She just walked away leaving me with feelings about sex and shame. I just want to die. Thank you for asking. I really do have to go now. We have a class.

Just one more thing. For those who think I ruminate about T all the time, on Wednesday I had yoga, 3 classes, and then I helped my d. with my grandson's party, and didn't get home until 8:30 p.m. I was out from 10 a.m. until then. I DO have a life besides PC and T.

I am sorry I am such a pain on here. I am not this way in RL, not to this extent. I have friends who care about me but I know I do act somewhat the same when ignored. It hurts. I had different kinds of therapy in the past. I was younger and didn't open up very much. So the total years are irrelevant.

No, I probably can't stay away from PC. Thanks, Anne. I messed up on here again.

Ruminating doesn't mean you think about something 24/7. Rumination means focusing over and over again over the same things repeatedly because they are distressing you, thinking that if you just figure it out it the distress will go away. You don't have to do it 24/7 for it to be rumination.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...d-how-to-stop/

Decent article on ruminating.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.aspx

And another one. Read. Explains the negative feedback you often get here at PC.

I can see that you're hurting, Rainbow. Have just got to your thread now.

I don't know that I have anything useful to say... I agree with what farmergirl says here, but I think in my mind what needs to be adressed is why you continue to ruminate over T, not the fact that you do. I think the key is getting to the nature of these feelings, the nature of the 'shame', the obsession... the 'love' you feel for her.

I appreciate what it is like to feel 'stuck', to be frustrated with something, confused and hurting. I admire your courage in continuing to post and reach out for support and help processing your feelings - especially when getting met with a certain air of 'here we go again'. Thing is Rainbow, I'd be willing to bet we're all ruminating about therapy or our therapists to some degree - some of us maybe more than we care to admit - otherwise, why would we be frequenting this forum, and why would we all continue to keep reading your threads? I don't think you're the only one searching for these kinds of answers. You're not the only one who's 'stuck' in some kind of 'pattern', either - though I'm not sure why you're one of those who gets called out on it while others are treated with kid gloves.

Anyway! I believe you DO want to change, that you WANT things to change - you just don't know how (yet!). But, again, a lot of the focus always seems to be on YOU changing YOUR behaviours - which, okay, yes, perhaps needs to be looked at - but I feel like the important thing is getting to the WHY. WHY you feel the way you do. WHY you ruminate. WHY you obsess. I'm not sure what if anything is being done to address that - in therapy or otherwise... am I wrong in saying that? I feel that, like with other things, if the core issue is addressed, the behaviours will likely take care of themselves. The behaviours are a symptom. Like SI, like comfort eating...

You say that you have had these strong feelings for each T you've had - were they all female? I wonder if you'd have the same issue with a male T. I wonder if the feelings come about because of the nature of therapy, or because it is an intimate relationship with a woman? I wonder what kind of transference this might be.

I'm not surprised you feel that T embarassed you... I think any of us would feel embarassed to some extent if our Ts asked us about our feelings and reactions to them, to their touch, if it was 'crossing over' or 'arousing' or if the connection felt sexual in some way. But it really did seem to hit a nerve with you. I think what you need to explore, again, is why.

You have skirted around whether you think you're in denial - about your sexuality? Maybe this issue needs to be explored... but it may not even be about that. Perhaps it is something else about emotional intimacy. Perhaps it is a craving for something maternal.

I've been reading a book called 'In Session: The bond between women and their therapists' - I wonder if you've read it? There is something in there about the 'golden fantasy'... I think it would be a good read for you.

Are we now blaming rainbow for ruminating?

Who hasn't ruminated?

Just because some people ruminate more than others doesn't mean we should be so harsh. Geesh!

CBT and DBT's 'stop ruminating' ******** doesn't necessarily help everyone. Think of the person with PTSD. They can't shut off the flashbacks and the reliving of traumatic experiences.

Change comes through understanding, not avoidance. And that understanding comes from discussion and reflection.

Could that be part of the reason why people experiencing that stuff on a daily/nigthly basis get a bit triggered over threads like this?

No one is blaming. Simply explaining to her that just because she put her ruminating on hold for a few hours here and there doesn't mean she's not ruminating. Thought she might need an explanation of what ruminating means. That's all. I WAS discussing (or letting the links discuss.)

Then don't read on the forum. The OP put a trigger warning. You have to know what you can handle instead of thrusting the responsibility on to someone else gauge what other people can handle.

Triggered? Look at a different thread. Don't respond, understanding that if you do, you're putting yourself at risk by your own choices.

Perhaps I was misreading the written words on this particular thread, so I apologize if I was. I was reading them as though they had a harsh tone to them.

And actually, often I wish sometimes people would lay into other people on these boards as I think there is too much "fluff", but I just thought this one went too far.

Just my opinion. Again, sorry if I misinterpreted the tone of other peoples words.

Oh ..don´t mind me. I am perfectly capable of reading identical threads over and over again.

or does it just seem that way sometimes? you are really bringing out the worst in me today! I like that in a person I think we both have a devil on our shoulder today!

Hankster I know, I know. Didn´t I say it was okey to PM me if I get out of hand I´ll wear two devils on my shoulders today instead. You go ahead an be the nice one, okey?

I am sure you are hurting and my heart goes out to u. Really.

I am going to respectfully disagree with this comment. I don't know if it makes any difference that I am 15, but some would argue that 15 is too old as well. I totally disagree. If you're hurting in life, or you are lonely, anything helps. I would have made this comment myself, until I was in a hard place. And those hugs were what literally kept me going. It's amazing what a virtual hug can do...

Rainbow.. Have you considered that your T is just wrong?? Maybe why you are so bothered for it. Just b/c you T got a sense, or saw a crossing over of emotions, doesn't mean she is right. You have said yourself that you didn't feel it, you weren't aroused, or thinking of sexual things.

As far as feeling ignored.. I think sometimes people don't respond b/c they simply do have any good advice. Or maybe they are triggered, or whatever. Are you too senstive to be on the board? Only you can answer that.. I think that there maybe some people who should avoid certain boards or topics b/c it will trigger them.

MUE can use that in her comedy act tonight, that somebody thought I could be the nice one

Rainbow, TOTALLY been there done that with the embarrassment in T. It helped me when T got embarrassed, but boy, talk about your major rupture. But that is why things are good between us, because there is no more possible embarrassment. Well, no, I take that back - it does wear off after a while; but no, there is nothing wrong with being totally embarrassed in T. That's actually what we go there for, I think. It means we're touching something meaningful.

Not to derail the thread but when I start a thread I much prefer insight, even if it's something I might not like to read or perhaps even disagree with. Hugs and thanks are easy to do, just a click of a button but giving a differing view of things, so we can maybe see things from a different perspective, is what a forum likes this is about. If we all just clicked the hugs and thanks button and didn't reply with posts this forum would be pointless. Just asking for thanks and hugs looks like the poster is attention seeking, and doesn't want to read any opinion through fear of it challenging their behaviour.

Hmmm Hankster this is not fair! If you are going to act nice ( and I have a weight load of devils on my shoulders) at least I have to have a say/pay in that bargain

I guess it depends on how the person interprets it. Why go and analyze the motives of the giver? If it makes the person feel better, then why not just click the button if its so easy?

((( Rainbow )))

I can understand you feeling embarrassed and upset. But I agree that your T isn't the one that embarrassed you. One needs to take ownership of their own feelings, although it's true that someone's actions can help one feel a certain way.

It seems to me that you're upset because you felt so embarrassed that you weren't able to really assess what you were truly experiencing at the time. It's ok that you weren't able to. It ends up being something worth exploring on a couple of levels....

One, the idea that when struck with embarrassment, you disconnect.

Two, exploring whether or not her feedback fit for you or not (and it seems that it may not have fit)...and see where that leads.

(( HUGS ))

If somebody wants to give a hug they can. That's up to them. All I'm saying is that the hugs doesn't really help but what can help is people posting and giving a different perspective on things. Also if someone makes a post and is afraid of negative responses, an easy cop out is to ask for hugs and thanks for sympathy. It validates the OP, in their mind all these hugs and thanks means they're correct and all the posters who might comment will back off because they don't want to look nasty, or come across as controversial or bullying. So in otherwords the entire thread is derailed into a lovefest with no real insight. Just my opinion, the hugs button doesn't mean anything, most forums don't have hugs buttons and this forum survived and several years without it.

And this is what I am disagreeing with. Hugs do help for some. No one is *obliged* to give them. but they can hav a positive impact for some ppl.

And i agree with you that constructive insight can sometimes be more beneficial. I am not aruging with that, or about the fact that this forum is not built solely on the hug and thanks button. Its not. I am only saying that this user asked for hugs, obviously feels that they would be beneficial to them. So therefore, hugs can help