Issue with T

This is kind of a long story. And I haven't posted here before so i'll completely understand if no one replies.

I've been struggling really really really bad with suicidal thoughts and impulses for a really long time, almost a year. I've been self harming over the past month or two, and self harm is not a usual behaviour for me, but it is getting worse now, and happening every day. T has been amazing any time ive been going through suicidal blips. It usually lasts a month, two months, maybe longer, but eventually passes. Well... now, it's just getting worse... and not passing... and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. So one thing that helps me is being able to see T. Gives me days to count down till.. and.. T has been great, when I've needed emergency appointments, T has given me time, as much as possible. Well.. this morning, T had to reschedule. She's given me an appt time for tomorrow morning.

I've been feeling like a burden, feeling worthless, insignificant, and just... horrible, for a while. Its been pretty bad. With today's incident, of T having to reschedule, I feel like i've gone off the deep end, because my feelings of worthlessness and being a burden have just.. escalated to new heights. And.. I know I'm kind of overreacting, but I can't help it. I just feel so unwanted and unimportant. And I feel like self harming way worse than ever.

Please call your T if you're feeling like harming yourself. Have you talked to your t specifically about those feelings?

You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You have value and deserve to be treated well, even by yourself. Especially by yourself.

I've been in that dark place, and what I know from having traveled there is that it fills you (one) with lies. I'm glad that your T was able to reschedule for tomorrow, but I also know how difficult it can be to be counting on an appointment and then all of a sudden the thing you had been counting on just isn't there. I imagine you know it's not intentional on your T's part, but it's difficult nevertheless.

Please consider telling your T what you've been feeling. Critterlady said it well - you deserve to be treated well.

Thank you both so much. I can't call my T, only email. But I just dont have the courage to. IDK what to say. and.. i havent self harmed yet im still fighting the urges, but.. I just... feel so worthless and weak. I hate myself. I hate that i can't see past my own selfishness and needs. I hate that Im constantly accusing the one person who is ACTUALLY on my side, and ACTUALLY the one constant person in my life who is always there for me... and i can never trust her enough to believe that she isnt going to just walk out. oh wait. she is. shes going on mat leave at the end of this month for about 6-8 months.

I've also had an incident recently that's left me feeling so very unimportant. It's really hard, I know. When you're feeling that awful though, everything does get warped and blown out of proportion. Negative self talk distorts reality in a huge way, at least I know it does in my case. I know sometimes it doesn't help all that much when you're feeling that bad to just sit and tell yourself that this isn't about being unimportant or worthless, because that feels so untrue. Sometimes you need to tell yourself that stuff anyway, look at the other possibilities, even though they feel untrue. Your therapist probably didn't want to postpone your session and it sounds like they've tried to reschedule you for the next available time. If you were worthless or unimportant, or a burden then they wouldn't have made the effort.

I know looking at things like this isn't a quick fix. It doesn't magically make things better right now. Sometimes you need the appointment for that I think, to really steer you back on track. Please try to resist acting on the thoughts of harming yourself. For me I know that sometimes I want control in some way, or I want to take away some of the emotional pain...it's okay to really want to act on those thoughts...but just keep resisting if you can. One moment at a time.

Feelings and emotions can be really intense and extreme and they can make parts of life so so hard. It can be quite hard to get life back on track and there are many ups and downs along the way. Just because you've lost sight of hope doesn't mean it's time to give up. Things are really bad right now, but you're seeking help when you need it, from here and from your therapist. There is still hope and I know from personal experience that things can be really, really dreadful (for 15 years in my case before I sought help), they can feel like all that there is...but things can still get a lot better, no matter how impossible that feels right now.

Thank you all so much. I did stop myself from acting on the impulses. I didn't self harm yesterday at all.

Critterlady - yeah, she knows about all the feelings of worthlessness and being a burden and stuff. we're working on it. thank you so much for what you said. i wish i could believe it too. but it feels like so far from the truth.

thanks likelife. i will definitely atleast ask today, what happened. Cause i need to know if it was me. if i was forgotten.

nightlight - thank you. I did resist, and i didn't think i'd be able to make it through last night without self harming, but i did. it really does feel impossible that things will get better. and i HAVE lost sight of hope, and have for a really long time.

To make matters worse... my amazing T is going away for about 6-8 mths on mat leave at the end of the month. That's just making everything so much worse.

Good job avoiding self-harm!

Is T able to help you find another T or otherwise discuss how to help you cope with her extended absence?

Cherish, has your T put a plan in place for another T while she is away for you?

well she tried but i didnt want to. im just not ok with seeing someone else in her absence. but.. we had a really good session today. she did forget about me yesterday.. she was double booked, with another thing she had to do. but im kind of over it.

I'm glad that today was good.

If you do not want to see someone else, perhaps there could still be discussion of what you might do, how to cope, what to do if feeling bad, etc.

For example, you might consider calling listening hotlines. If interested, you could Google them for your area.