Today's Session

I had my first session with the fill-in T while my regular T is on leave.

She's ok. Not as great as my regular T but she'll do. She said I'm gonna destroy myself if I keep isolating and everything. But really I don't want to stop isolating. I'm happy with the way I'm living except for the fact that I'm still with Andy. I like being alone...it's comforting when I'm alone because I just find it safer and more rewarding for some reason.

I even talked to her about not wanting any physical contact anymore. No, I didn't say I didn't want sex but it's the physical contact I have a problem with. I'd rather masturbate than let someone else touch me...even Andy. I get so repulsed when he does touch me or kiss me or anything like that.

We talked about so many things today. I have to come up with 4 things for the 4 senses so I can ground myself...things that will work for me for when I have my flashbacks. She's gonna laminate them and everything. I think that's gonna be cool. I'll just keep them in my purse...I'll need them everywhere!

Hi Lex,
I'm glad you at least had a fill in T while your regular one is away. (The grounding technique idea sounds great!)

I don't know about the isolating thing though, I mean if you are happy being by yourself then I don't see how that is "destroying yourself." On the other hand, when people isolate and it is a result of depression, then I agree that isolating too much can be bad. (Just from my own experience.)

I tend to enjoy my own company (at least most of the time), but I enjoy being around others as well. I actually think it's a healthy thing when a person can do things on their own, for example (before I met my bf) whenever I felt like going out to dinner or seeing a movie, I never hesitated to go alone. And even though I love my family and my bf dearly, I still feel the need to have alone time. It gives me time to rest and reflect on things, and just do things I enjoy on my own, like visit antique stores, thrift shops, and bookstores (my favorite hangouts).

As far as the whole intimacy thing with Andy, well I don't know enough about you to comment on that, but I remember reading one of your posts where you were thinking about leaving that relationship? If you prefer to um, self-satisfy (nothing wrong with that ) you just may be better off alone rather than have to feel uncomfortable with Andy touching you or trying to kiss you or have any physical contact. If he repulses you that much, then chances are you may be better off on your own.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. Sometimes we stay in relationships out of a sense of habit and security (I have done that in the past) but in the long run we won't be happy or grow as an individual if we remain in a situation we are unhappy with. I hope things work out for you, you deserve to be happy!

Love,
Zen