I did it. Please shoot me now.

Good job, Pb!!!

Stay away from my cave, I'm using it. Now and forever. I hope this t-openness isn't contagious. I'll be wearing my mask.

(oh yeah, good job)

Sounds like he's holding your terror in his hand.. gently.. and you're feeling that exquisite sense of knowing he gets you. Emotional intimacy. Our fears of rejection/abandonment laid bare.

I recommend that you figure out how to let yourself just rest in his care. It's not an easy place to get to.. but when you let yourself just rest, unguarded, you will realize you've jumped the great divide and are well on your way to feeling substantial healing.

He sounds like a gem. And you deserve this experience.

And don't forget that granite has the spray if you need double dosing to be sure you're not contaminated by the t-openess stuff. Double dosing is sometimes completely necessary ESPECIALLY if you tend to like you T a little.

"Ridiculous" can be a good coping strategy. There are plenty of worse ones.

I'm even getting a little skittery and headachy and panicky about everyone using the I word. LOL. [you know, inti (gag) macy.]

PButton, moving out of your comfort zone is so... well, UNCOMFORTABLE. But you're surviving it.
Go you!

How are you feeling today about having sent it? Calmer, I hope. It really was the right thing to do and a big step in trusting him and helping yourself.

I am mostly ok with it today. I have been busy trying to think of ways to explain it to T. I am sure I'll start freaking out right before next week's appointment.

I am also supposed to call to set up an appt the week of valentine's day. I haven't done that yet. I should. Not sure why I'm being so slow. Sigh.

Vulnerability. It's really hard for those of us who've been traumatized, you know? I think you'll feel so much better after you have the conversation about it. And I think the easiest way to get through it is to not try to explain it or justify it. Rather, just say it 'plainly.' "It's hard for me to ask for appointments." Let him respond. I'm guessing he'll want to understand why it's hard for you. Then you can elaborate, as plainly as possible. For example: "Maybe it reminds me that I need you, and I'm afraid of that." or "I think it makes me feel insecure about our relationship. I think it would help me to have a standing appointment that I know belongs to me." Or whatever it is that's behind the difficulty. For myself, I know I would have had a very, very tough time if I had to ask every week. Stating it plainly puts it on the table, and will kind of diminish the vulnerability you feel... as opposed to trying to explain why the way you feel about it deserves his attention.

I look forward to hearing how it goes!

The part I emphasized is the part that is incredibly difficult for me to say or admit. THAT would be the part that would make me feel hugely worse.

Can you just pick up the phone and call now?

I could. Instead I am choosing to decide that the receptionist is on lunch and that I should wait and call later this afternoon. What a dork.

Can you email the receptionist?

Unfortunately, no. I have to call on the phone. Which I HATE. Meh. I suppose I could wait until Monday and ask her while I am there. I'm not sure I really like that idea any better though. Plus the sooner I call,the more openings I'll have to pick from. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Can you pick up the phone and call now?

Do you see where this is going in the long run

(and feel free to tell me to STFU)

How about now? Now can you call?

No, no, this is good. Keep asking me. Otherwise I just sort of space it out and it is magically no longer an issue.

She's probably back from lunch now.

I hope it goes well for you.
(shouted to you from my place on the darkside)

Call.

Ok, did it. Now I have an appt on the 13th. Whewww... time to go get anxious about something else so that I can attack THAT next.

It's a whole hour later now - definitely back from lunch. CALL!

(or, you can do what I do - pick up the phone, put it down. Pick up the phone, put it down. Glare at the phone...glare some more for good measure. Pick it up, start to dial, hang up. repeat a few times. Finally get totally annoyed with yourself, pick up the phone, dial, and then freeze up when someone actually answers!).

ETA: glad you called - you were posting at the same time I did.

Oh, I totally do that with the phone. Today I got to the step where you think you got lucky & will get to leave a voicemail, but then the person answers and you get confused. Meh.

That all happens to me, too. When I'm all set to leave a message and T answers, I get all flustered. It makes me feel a lot better about it when I remember the time he called me and I answered, "Hi T!" He got all flustered and started to say, "Hi CL, It's T," but stopped himself and then forgot why he called. Gotta love caller ID.