[pbutton]

I just sent T a very detailed email telling him how much trouble I have asking for weekly appointments.

I might start hyper-ventilating. He knows secret stuff now.

OMG.

Hurk.

I am never checking my email again. EVER. Nor am I going to any more apppointments. I shall go live in a cave in the hills and not come back out until he's been dead for a minimum of 5 years.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Well done for sending the mail. Hopefully it will help him to help you.

Thanks for making me laugh with your comment about going away to hide in the caves

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by pbutton

He knows secret stuff now.

I do love the way you gently poke fun at your reaction as a way to help you moderate it. Humor is a great tool for self understanding and communication, and you are so very good at it.

I'm going to say something that you already know. He knows other secret stuff too. This is not the first secret that you've shared. Definitely not worth the jail time to shoot you for.

[sittingatwatersedge]

good job pbutton!!! wow you did great.

(feel free to use my cave for the next week if you want,; my next session will leave me too frozen from shock to go anywhere, I will just use the ).....

just leave the darts for the Yalom dartboard where I can find them....
SAWE

[pbutton]

And by "never checking my email again" I meant "obsessively checking it every 12 seconds". Heaven forbid he actually write back. I fear my phone won't withstand the fearful fling of avoidance.

Thank you for responding. The more stressed out and emotional I feel, the more ridiculous I get. And I Am DYING right now. Ugh....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pbutton

And by "never checking my email again" I meant "obsessively checking it every 12 seconds". Heaven forbid he actually write back. ..

oh wow does this resonate with me. Do yourself a favor and go outside away from the email/phone......

[BlessedRhiannon]

Great job!!!!!!

I've got an excellent cave that I hide out in after sending T scary emails. I'm not using it yet...you're welcome to borrow it for a while.

[pbutton]

Odd. I've told him I have a creepy uncle. And that I started crying when my yoga teacher touched my back. Neither were mortifying like this is. That's almost interesting. At least it would be, if I were not busy trying to crawl and hide under the carpet.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by pbutton

And by "never checking my email again" I meant "obsessively checking it every 12 seconds".

I can sooo relate. Nevermind the fact that my email goes to my phone, and I get an alert immediately. This might be the one time that I don't get the alert, and might miss the email, so I have to just keep checking. And, nevermind the fact that my T replies to emails either in the morning or after 5 pm...this might be the one time she decides to reply mid day!

Hey, pb, let's rent a cave together. I bet we'd get along - we could have LOTS of books. And grow long beards.

Well done. I recognise how hard this must have been for you.

I think it's great that you did this! Whether it came from courage or desperation (or both), good for you! Whatever, what's important is that it's the TRUTH. You were honest. And yeah, it's scary to let T know the truth about you, but he's there to help. Maybe other people in your (past) life would jump on something like this and use it against you, but he is not those people. You must have built up some trust to be able to reveal yourself like this. Really, I think it's great that you were able to do this.

I hope you hear back from him soon so you can relax a bit. If it was me, I'd probably be breathing into a paper bag, or in bed under the covers with the electric blanket turned up to 9 ...

[roads]

This has got me to wondering now whether the PC population is a higher cave-dwelling population than the rest of the world ... I, too, live in a cave. Lots of books, too. And you're welcome to come stay with me anytime.
You are so, so brave--to commit this to writing ... even e-writing. I've never done that with a T.
Roadie

[stopdog]

I suggest using a foreign accent to deny all knowledge of any woman named pbutton if he calls you back. Or blame the cat for the email.

[~EnlightenMe~]

lol

Tolerating the anxiety of being exposed is painful

You will get through this, and it will be a HUGE relief! Good work, button.

[pbutton]

He wrote back and it was so good that I cannot handle it. I honestly want to scream or crawl out of my skin or explode.

Yaaaaaay!!

[pbutton]

And now I hate him. Because that's a completely reasonable response to someone trying to address my feelings.

Trying to figure out where this is coming from... I feel unsafe.. he has too much control now. Something like that.

He is safe. He is SUPER SAFE. I need to look at what is actually happening.

He's an awesome T, by the way. Maybe I don't hate him. Maybe I need to stop rambling and get some work done.

Yeah, focusing on something else for a bit is probably a good idea.

[granite1]

oh PB i think it is great you were able to send him that e-mail and he responded in such a great way. i also get the OMG he is to good and all those mixed feelings. it is so hard to trust when things are working out that we may be getting what we need .that someone is nice to you etc... basically HUGE TRUST issues . awesome for moving forward despite all of that. you rock PB

Originally Posted by pbutton

He wrote back and it was so good that I cannot handle it. I honestly want to scream or crawl out of my skin or explode.

Could there be a touch of intimacy (shudder) going on here?? The reaction you describe has been my reaction as the intimacy has grown between T and me. I find it really really difficult to handle. It ranges from just uncomfortable to sheer terror. Why? Ah, that's the question!!

Sounds like you're really moving forward, pbutton. The emotions are a dead-giveaway that something's really percolating ...... Hang in there. Ain't therapy fun???????

PB, he knows you have semi-imaginary internet friends, how bad could this be? And you've on here said that he reminds you of Mr. Rogers. Can you go back to that image? Picture him putting on his little sweater, and his little tennies while singing to you. He's harmless.

And he has no control. YOU decide what to send and even whether you go back or not. YOU choose to take control of your life by getting this man to help you. You have chosen to get better and to give him the information that he needs to do that. Truly, you are a rock star and continue to inspire me to do the hard work even when I think the embarrassment is going to kill me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Roadie

This has got me to wondering now whether the PC population is a higher cave-dwelling population than the rest of the world ...

well of course! We're all bats!!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

And he has no control. YOU decide what to send and even whether you go back or not. YOU choose to take control of your life by getting this man to help you.

Very wise words. I would add that any control that he has has been given to him by you, and that means that you can take it back anytime you want. Like candy from a Mr. Rogers sized baby.

[pbutton]

Everyone here is so funny. I keep cracking up laughing. I really appreciate all of the responses. I am so dazed right now. I can't seem to bring myself to touch my phone and read T's email again.

Originally Posted by pbutton

I just sent T a very detailed email telling him how much trouble I have asking for weekly appointments.

I might start hyper-ventilating. He knows secret stuff now.

OMG.

Hurk.

I am never checking my email again. EVER. Nor am I going to any more apppointments. I shall go live in a cave in the hills and not come back out until he's been dead for a minimum of 5 years.

Pbutton,
I know I shouldn't laugh but lol that is funny.
I hope the email helps you get what you need, good job on asking for it and I am sure T will be super proud of you.