Confused

Trigger: CSA mentioned

I know this isnt entirely therapy related but I plan to talk to T about it again...im just scared to...afraid she will get annoyed with me for bringing it up again. Just watned to see what anybody else thought of it.

A comment my dad made a few months ago keeps sticking in my head and wont go away. some backstory : this comment was before my parents were aware that I had suspicions that my dad might have sexually abused me

I was at my parents house to drop something off and they were talking about my sister who had recently been placed with 2 young foster kids and they were discussing what they had suffered and what had ultimately ended them up in foster care. my dads aunt and uncle had foster girls all the time when i was growing up and my dad pointed out "they only took in girls that were sexually abused"...and then he always has to make a point of how wrong that is. Why does he always have to point that out?

Then, he looked me dead in the eye and said "were you abused? did we abuse you?hahahaha"....it was weird/creepy. he said it seriously but somewhat sarcastic and then laughed and looked away. i didnt know what to say or do. my mom said nothing. just carried on doing whatever she was doing at the moment.

why would he say that? is that a joke someone would make? a parent to his daughter? im so confused. i have no specific memory just alot of bad boundaries he had and some red flags...but that comment has always felt really eerie to me.

T shouldnt get upset, if this is what you want and need to talk about. As for the comment , I don't know enough about your story and situation to comment on if that was appropriate or not. I mean yes it was kind of weird but I could see my parents saying that. ( kind of tongue and cheek, in a "it wasn't that bad" type way)

That does seem totally inappropriate and out of bounds. Do you think he was testing your reaction to see if you actually remembered something? You should be able to talk about this as much as you want with your t. She is there to help you, not for her own comfort level.

Your T will not mind discussing this again. My mother periodically did the same thing. Saying in this taunting way, "Oh, you were soooooooo abused," while rolling her eyes in this really exaggerated way. I finally responded, with "Yes. Yes I WAS." My dad asked me what I meant and I told him. He remembered the part that involved him and sincerely apologized. He asked her if what I was saying was true. She became incredibly angry, picked up a magazine and pretended to read it and refused to speak to anyone for the rest of the time I was there. That did stop her from doing it for a while.

I can't imagine my dad ever joking about having abused me. I was spanked as a child. Not often. It was pretty common in the 50s. I didn't feel traumatized by it. I was thinking maybe he would joke about that being abuse, but only if he was being derisive about considering spanking abuse. I doubt I would even call it joking. Maybe sarcasm. And I don't see him EVER making it in the form of a question. I can't imagine him EVER EVER joking about sexually abusing me, or anyone else, or about anyone else. Sexual abuse just doesn't lend itself to humor. If I think about it, I don't remember him ever touching either of those subjects except in serious terms

Sometimes when people do somethign wrong, they try to normalize it. Is that what you felt your dad was doing?.

I think so? It was just weird how he said it and the fact that he said it at all.
A few months later I sat my parents down and asked them if anything had ever happened to me when I was little regarding possible sexual abuse...and I was asking in general terms and did not even mention my dads name.I asked if I was ever left with anyone or anyone that stuck out in their mind or if i was ever around anyone that drank alot. My dad was very quiet during this conversation and continued to eat his lunch. Its bugged me the way he responded to that..or i guess didnt repsond. At the end he made some random comment that sounded more half hearted like it was something he was supposed to say in that situation "i wish i knew who i did so i could go beat his *****"...and looked at my mom and not me.

Then a few days later I actually just went over there and said i was questioning dad himself and gave all my reasons and my red flags and problems. He was upset but still didnt say much. He cried a little and swore he didnt do anything and never would have. He didnt remember any of the "bad boundary" episodes i was talking about.

Its just all really confusing to me. His weird reactions and then his swearing he never did. Just makes me feel crazy.

It sounds like a crazy-maker. I've had much less traumatic things drive me crazy in a similar manner. My therapist calling me (in an angry, unaccepting tone) arrogant and judgmental (while she is obviously busy knowing me better than me - which seems a bit arrogant - and judging me) and then getting angry at me because she thinks I think she is incompetent (which is unlikely to be true since I was fighting to work things out because I was sooo attached to her), and when I looked for a new therapist some didn't want to touch me because of this. And that was a crazy-maker. I couldn't make sense of it and I didn't know where to turn or who to trust. I've since been able to make sense of it. But I'm a long way from childhood, and my husband saw some of it and supported me, and my new T supports me, so it's not nearly as crazy-making as your situation.

It sounds like you are confused about what really happened - but not confused that something happened, and that your feelings are to be respected.

My votes: something off happened; and they probably won't tell you about it. How do you act when you're lying vs when you're telling the truth? Their going silent and sticking their noses in their sandwiches sounds evasive to me. Did you read noreasontolive's post this weekend, where he called his mother and confronted her? So powerful to read about. So devastating to him, but she's like, yeah, no biggie. I wanted to strangle her AND my family, they're the same way. Like if they pretend it never happened, the effects disappear too. And they wonder how WE (that is, I) became such a good liar? Ha.

It's okay to talk about the same thing again . . and again . . . and again. Every time I raise an issue for the upteenth time, my T cheerfully says, "I haven't heard you talk about this in a long while." I don't know, he seems to dig it. He also likes to observe how I can be different talking about the same thing, and that the way I talk about things is a sign of progress.

I think that perpetrators rarely confess when they are confronted, either in big or small ways. Usually they have had many years, assuming that they are aware of what they did-- I think that some may have dissociated it away-- to confess or apologize or whatever, and they haven't taken that step. Direct confrontation, however gentle, is unlikely to encourage them to do so. More than likely, it causes them to go further underground.

I don't think it's crazy to feel crazy that he doesn't acknowledge the bad boundaries that you remember, but you can also believe your truth no matter what he says. You don't need his affirmation in what happened in order to heal from what you remember. You can see his perspective as irrelevant at best and as deliberately deceitful at worst.

"It sounds like you are confused about what really happened - but not confused that something happened"
I think you're right. But I want details. Ive always told T, if it wasn't my dad I wouldn't need to know, I could just go with my gut feeling.But it is my dad. I have to know or I will never believe it. Just continue feeling like a pinball going back and forth.

"How do you act when you're lying vs when you're telling the truth? Their going silent and sticking their noses in their sandwiches sounds evasive to me."
Ya, its always stuck in my mind. Not how I pictured an innocent dad responding.

Did you read noreasontolive's post this weekend, where he called his mother and confronted her? So powerful to read about. No, i didnt..I couldnt find it when I looked....was it in the psychotherapy forum?

Usually they have had many years, assuming that they are aware of what they did-- I think that some may have dissociated it away. Im afraid this could be the case. He drank alot when I was younger....I never really noticed him being drunk but he always had a beer in hand. Now as im older I see the difference between when he's sober and when he's drunk. He claims to not remember some of the inappropriate behavior I questioned him on.

But you can also believe your truth no matter what he says. You don't need his affirmation in what happened in order to heal from what you remember.
I dont know what my truth is though.I feel like I will never have a truth because I dont know for sure.

Sorry, the poster's name is "nothingtolivefor". And yes it's in the psychotherapy forum, 2nd page right now, "I called my mother". I can't figure out how to post a link on my phone.

I know you don't know the whole truth, but you do know some truths. You KNOW you don't trust your dad. and you KNOW you have good reasons to not trust your dad. and you KNOW you feel something happened to you. and you KNOW (I htink) that your parents aren't supportive of helping you figure out what happened. and you KNOW that you deserve to be supported.

And you are entitled to make some decisions based on what you KNOW, even if you don't know everything.

I don't mean to make light of not knowing the whole truth. I would want to know. I always feel better when I understand things and all the pieces make sense. I imagine it's VERY hard to not know. I just want to suggest that not knowing everything doesn't mean you don't know anything, and doesn't mean you can't make some decisions to protect yourself and feel better.

Thanks Syra, this makes sense. I do have some truths just not the big one I want. T has said something similar to this recently. I just really hope eventually I can come to peace with not knowing or that in due time the bigger pieces will start to come together.

I hope you get the answers also, and the pieces will come together.