[precious things]

My T is hammering away the idea that in order to recover, I need a support system in place beyond our therapy( stubborn me says no, I can handle it by myself, I've always taken care of myself, etc.....)

So, I'll put this out:

I am people avoidant and total isolationist (hide when the doorbell rings )
I have no family support and zero friends ( yeah, I'm a loser)
I don't go to churches
I don't do social activities because I am avoidant, panic ridden
I looked at a support group for my problem but I am afraid someone will discover why I am going as the med director is a neighbor and our kids are in school together

So, how do you begin to build a support system when you live in your own world and are fearful of people?

[unaluna]

Find a group that you want to join that will have you as a member? Idk really, I'm in the same boat. I might go to a meeting dinner next week - right before my annual membership runs out! My T is being very patient with me.

[learning1]

Do you live in a rural area? I think it's easier in a more populated area. (I am not suggesting that you move if you live in a rural area. I just thought that if you want to answer that, it might be easier for people to suggest things.)

[precious things]

Originally Posted by learning1

Do you live in a rural area? I think it's easier in a more populated area. (I am not suggesting that you move if you live in a rural area. I just thought that if you want to answer that, it might be easier for people to suggest things.)

No actually, I live in a medium- large size city.

[learning1]

I thought of another thing. You put a sad face about hiding when the doorbell rings, so it looks like you wish you didn't feel like hiding or avoiding people I think. Is that right? If you wish you didn't feel like that, have you tried telling your t about that? Does s/he have any idea how to help with that?

[learning1]

Oh, I think that's easier to live in a city. At least if you join some group and feel really uncomfortable, you won't have to see the same people all the time.

Hmm, does your t know about the support group you considered? I worried about people finding out if I joined a support group too. I don't know. "Med director" sounds like a job title though, so is she or he required to keep confidentiality? If that's a requirement of his job, I think it's probably reliable. He would risk losing his job if he got caught breaking confidentiality. Maybe your t would know if it is a professional job and whether confidentiality is required (if you're not sure).

[precious things]

Originally Posted by learning1

I thought of another thing. You put a sad face about hiding when the doorbell rings, so it looks like you wish you didn't feel like hiding or avoiding people I think. Is that right? If you wish you didn't feel like that, have you tried telling your t about that? Does s/he have any idea how to help with that?

Well, in a way it is what is at this point. I mean, It would be easier to go through life not feeling so afraid of people, and T is aware (I am just beginning therapy) ....it is all tied to my eating disorder and a component of that is the isolation.

[Nightlight]

I'm really similar and haven't really solved the problem yet, but have taken big steps forwards to where it's more possible now.

The first thing I did was force myself to do something with a new group of people. It was terrifying, the thought of it, but the actual event was fine. I also began to volunteer. It took me a while in therapy to make little steps and work towards those things. They were so close to being impossible once (back when I couldn't even pick up the phone and make a phone call), but they are possible.

I think it would be a good idea to work towards social activities. Something where you're doing a task and not having to focus too much on other people might be a start (even if it''s not something you can do right now, or even soon). It might be something to work towards. Lots of cities have all sorts of groups, like craft groups, or even movie or theatre groups, where people meet up and all go along together.

I don't really know how to progress to having proper friendships as I seem to be very good at being an acquaintance (perhaps I'm just too fussy about who I really like and want to spend time with). But I do know that it's possible to move from being absolutely terrified and incapable of taking a first step, to actually taking many little steps. It is really, really hard, but it's possible.

Originally Posted by precious things

My T is hammering away the idea that in order to recover, I need a support system in place beyond our therapy( stubborn me says no, I can handle it by myself, I've always taken care of myself, etc.....)

Hi (((((precious things)))))

It was hard - really hard - for me to create a support system.

For me, it took a long time of learning to trust being supported by T before I would even dare to consider letting someone in the "real world" support me. I had lots of acquaintances, but I would never let anyone know if I was in pain or I needed help - when my dad died after being sick with cancer for 11 months and I told my "friends", they were shocked. Most of them didn't even know he had cancer - and he lived 4 miles from me and I was one of his primary caretakers. That's how closed off I was.

I didn't go from that to having a big support system overnight...it took time, and I made mistakes, and I chose the wrong people, and I got hurt, and I tried again. It helped to have T there supporting me while I found my way through it.

When I finally got really serious about it, I invited some "friends" over for a knitting circle (could be a book club or whatever) and it wasn't that comfortable at first, but now, a few years later, those people are my closest friends in the world. I had to risk gradually being open with them, and as I became more open with them, they opened up to me.

When I lost T recently, I realized what a really strong and good support system I do have, and I'm super amazed and super grateful. It's kind of ironic that T gave me the courage to build that support system, and then that ended up being just what I needed when I was terminated.

Allow yourself to take it slowly, and accept that you will make mistakes along the way. It honestly took me years of learning to accept support and caring from my T before I was ready to transfer those skills to the real world...and that's okay. It takes as long as it takes.

PC is really good practice too. It's safe, and a good place to see what it feels like to reach out for help, or to help someone else. PC was another big piece of the "how does all of this connection stuff work?" puzzle for me.

I'm glad you reached out here.

[Anne2.0]

Does your child (or children) have playdates over at your house? if not, do you want to encourage your child to do so and then you can invite the parent who does pickup to come in for a cup of tea?

Do you have time to volunteer at an animal shelter, library, your child's school? Easy way to meet people while doing something useful.

Otherwise other people have given you great suggestions. Sometimes I think just the desire to change is the biggest step of all.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precious things

My T is hammering away the idea that in order to recover, I need a support system in place beyond our therapy.

I have:
1. My wife.
2. My boss.
3. A friend I used to work with. (I meet him for coffee once a fortnight.)
4. A friend I made at group therapy. (The group is finished, but I phone him about once a week.)

Also I have Facebook friends and PC friends.

That doesn't sound like a lot, and of course there are some things I could never discuss with my boss. But it seems to be enough.

Support cuts both ways: they need support, too. The best way to keep a friend is to be a friend.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by precious things

I am people avoidant and total isolationist (hide when the doorbell rings )
I have no family support and zero friends
I don't do social activities because I am avoidant, panic ridden

So, how do you begin to build a support system when you live in your own world and are fearful of people?

I would suggest working on your fear of people.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I would suggest working on your fear of people.

That is key. And it keeps me trapped in my vicious cycle. T knows it, I know it. My whole life is structured on keeping people away from me and to do otherwise is so counterintuitive. As much as I hate the thought, I know it has to be a part of true recovery.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think that until you can work through your fear of people just a bit, building a support system is going to be very hard. You have to actually interact with people to be able to establish a relationship, and then trust, and then support.

Is there a hobby you enjoy that might have group activities? What about taking a class at a local community college?

I have a very hard time meeting new people...but I love training and competing with my dogs. I enrolled in training classes with my dogs and ended up making friends from people that I trained or competed with. Most of those people are just acquaintances, but a few that I felt I had things in common with became closer friends. I started building those friendships by spending more time with them, doing things outside of dog related activities, and actually talking to them about meaningful things. I now have two very close friends that I know I can rely on for just about anything, and I have a large network of friends that will support me if they are able to.

I didn't realize how much of a support network I had until I had a tragedy occur last summer. I received so much support and strength from people that I didn't expect it from, and that was just so amazing to me.

[adel34]

Hi Precious Things,
I don't think anyone should have to go through life alone, and I think your t is right about having support outside of therapy.
I would encourage the support group, as scary as I'm sure it is! Everything there is confidential I would hope, so the person running it shouldn't care that she's your neighbor, and her kids would never know. Maybe if you take that risk, and I know it's big, and go to the group with people dealing with your same struggle, you can slowly find other supports. Like maybe you and another person in the group will become friends over time.
And I don't think you're a loser! I know how painful it is not to have friends, as I've isolated a lot in my life as well.
And, if you feel comfortable on PC and like you have connections here, this is a part of your support system too.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precious things

That is key. And it keeps me trapped in my vicious cycle. T knows it, I know it. My whole life is structured on keeping people away from me and to do otherwise is so counterintuitive. As much as I hate the thought, I know it has to be a part of true recovery.

Can you tell T that you'd like to have friends but you are just too scared? Can T help you with that?

My T refuses to teach skills. And I think she's wrong.