Finally after all these yrs.

When I first begun therapy T said I don't allow myself to feel my abandonment depression.

We've talked and talked about my adoption but that's as far as it gets. Today I begin talking about how I detest people who wave flags, patriotic BS. Then I said I feel angry under that, I feel I never had anything that I could say was mine. I feel people are sleep walking unaware of the corpses hanging from the trees around us. With this T seemed disturbed by that visual. She said you feel there's death & destruction everywhere and no one else can see it, see you when you were abandoned?

My head started thumping. Then I remembered a dream I had this week where you get that falling feeling & wake up, Cept it was my birth mother falling.

As I said that I said "I felt my birth mother fell and I couldn't pick her up, couldn't see her, she never appeared again" - then I broke down, felt it, felt the loss, felt how I've held that feeling from breaking through for 50yrs! There it was, at last, I was moving on through the pathological grief I have been stuck in all my life. One an wet eyes & snot.

I said afterwards that it was like when a young child plays peek a boo and my birth mother never appeared AGAIN, gone, no more.

My headache begun to ease as I drove home.

Hi Earthmama,
Sounds like deep and powerful work!

I read your words and feel the heaviness and loneliness of never having anything that was "yours", and then the light and release. And I write this I take a big <sigh> Is that it? or is it different? only part of it?

I appreciate you sharing this. It helps me - not because my struggles are the same, but because even though they are not the same, there is something familiar with struggle and release, and it helps to hear a story of release.

((EarthMamma))

You've done some really good work, EM. I hope it helps you.

Syra, it wasn't the not having anything that was mine that was the release, it was the finally feeling the loss of my birth mother at a feeling level. It's been mainly intellectual knowledge of the loss until that moment. But I understand what your saying. I'm glad what I wrote helps others.

You know, it's amazing if we just let ourselves ramble in therapy everything is leading us to a certain point. We've just got to trust that process.
I feel now at a place of acceptance. I've been carrying my birth mothers 'deadness to me' inside of me for so long. Unable to put her down, unable to say goodbye. Afraid of letting go that which had already gone.

I think I get "the release" and thanks for clarifying. I think I've experienced something similar, but not as profound. Hearing your story makes me less afraid of really "going to the pain."

I agree with you about the therapy process. Sometimes it seems we are rambling around, but it's just the path we are taking and it will lead us there.

I'm so glad you are at a place of acceptance.

Wow, that is great work! I am so glad that you were finally able to feel it.

Earthmamma,thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry for your pain. I think I can relate to the ramblings in therapy leading to where they need to go. I think something like that is happening to me. This last week I suddenly began to feel profound abandonment rage and grief as well as disappointment in my parents and in the world. I have never felt this in so much depth before, nor connected to it as deeply, even through years of therapy where I've talked and even cried about various things. I guess the one issue that has been 'stuck' inside me is the need for a m to take care of me. Even though I know this logically and have spent years talking about it, I have never worked through it, never really let go of hoping for it, so I've never grieved for my own m.

I know your experience is different but I connected with it in my own way.

Dreamy, yes I think our experiences connect. Thanks